Dear students, here is another pearl of wisdom to store away for a rainy day. Distributing D's and F's is, has always been, and will always be WAY more traumatic for your teacher than it is for you. Do you know why? Because if you ended up with an F (especially if you've received an F in the same class more than once) you probably don't care very much. Yes, everyone has a bad semester. Yes, everyone excels at different things. But folks, if you really cared, you'd be in my office every day like some other students. And guess what? You weren't.
I know you don't believe me when I say this, but grading is traumatic. You like to think we're all out to get you, make you feel stupid, trick you on the exams, and that we frame the worst exams and make fun of them in our spare time. Only two of those things are true. Just kidding, NONE of them are true. We are on your side!
Why do you think we teach? It certainly isn't for the glamour. It's not for the spacious offices or the shiny new buildings. And guess what? Even though we "get the summers off" most of us work through them, carting you around Europe trying to make sure that only a few of you end up in the ER and that the injuries are kept to a minimum. Even when we're "not working," we are. Do you think there's only one textbook out there? Do you think the syllabi magically appear? Do you think I can go online and find a syllabus, texts, writing prompts, lecture notes, and historical information for my literature survey course? No. So, believe me when I tell you that we teach you because we really do want you to learn this stuff.
So, yet another semester has come to a close. I have failed several students for the second time, some for the first. And guess what? I've spend the last three hours in this office trying to rework my grading system to bump you up as much as I can. I have curved tests, rounded up all semester, excused your lowest missed assignment, and even given some grace points on things that I shouldn't have. There's only so much I can do for you. And so, grades have been turned in and now I will brace myself for the emails and phone calls (please don't send your parents after me, you're a grown up in training now and mommy should let you handle this one on your own). Believe me, it hurts me to give you an F.....but when I look back at the semester as a whole and I see that you never turned in any homework, can I really help it? Food for thought.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's not always greener
Dear students: Once again, you've made that oh so annoying mistake of forgetting that all (yes, each and every single one) of your teachers has taken more finals than you can ever dream of, and that you complaining to us about it does nothing in your attempt to make us feel bad for you. But here is something else to consider: you will take 4, 5, 6 finals this week? You'll spend the next day or two cramming the information that we were hoping you would have been reviewing all along, and then you'll spit it out on the paper, turn it in, forget most of that oh so valuable knowledge and move on. What do you think I will be doing for the next few days? GRADING! COMPUTING FINAL GRADES! MAKING THE WORLD'S LARGEST PAPER TRAIL SO THAT IF YOU, FOR WHATEVER REASON, THINK I'VE ARBITRARILY ASSIGNED THE WRONG GRADE TO YOU, I CAN GO BACK AND ACCOUNT FOR EACH AND EVERY TENTH OF A PERCENTAGE POINT THAT HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THAT GRADE!
Let's look at my semester as an example. This semester I taught 4 courses, coordinated 9, and managed 3 part time instructors. That means, not only will I grade 27 7+ page papers, I'll also grade 40 6 page exams and 14 6 page finals. Then I will compute grades, compile them, store them away in my super secret stash (where they'll stay for 7 years until I can finally dispose of them confidentially) and then collect the grades, exams, and paperwork from the other instructors of Italian. You, by that time, will be on your way home to eat mom's chocolate chip cookies, complain about the impossible hearing of your Italian professor who caught you texting each and every time you did it in class, and adamantly refuse to acknowledge that the syllabus did in fact explain that your lack of attendance would result in a 0 in the attendance grade.
Obviously we teachers will grade our little hearts out and only complain to each other about because we love you....even though you mostly treat us like mildly stinky cheese found in the far corner of your refrigerator. It's ok though, one day you'll appreciate us. Or not, whatever. So, all I'm saying is, we've been there, done that, passed the test, and gone on to now attempt to teach you how to take an exam. Most of you probably opted not to listen (it's fine, your loss not mine) and will grumble through this test. One day I'll explain exactly why we test you on things (and no, it has less than nothing to do with trying to make you look bad, forcing you to learn obsolete information, or trying to make it impossible for you to get an A) but for now, please just don't complain to me any more about how hard your finals week is. I've been doing finals week (in heels, no less) since before you were born and I still look really good doing it. You'll live.
Let's look at my semester as an example. This semester I taught 4 courses, coordinated 9, and managed 3 part time instructors. That means, not only will I grade 27 7+ page papers, I'll also grade 40 6 page exams and 14 6 page finals. Then I will compute grades, compile them, store them away in my super secret stash (where they'll stay for 7 years until I can finally dispose of them confidentially) and then collect the grades, exams, and paperwork from the other instructors of Italian. You, by that time, will be on your way home to eat mom's chocolate chip cookies, complain about the impossible hearing of your Italian professor who caught you texting each and every time you did it in class, and adamantly refuse to acknowledge that the syllabus did in fact explain that your lack of attendance would result in a 0 in the attendance grade.
Obviously we teachers will grade our little hearts out and only complain to each other about because we love you....even though you mostly treat us like mildly stinky cheese found in the far corner of your refrigerator. It's ok though, one day you'll appreciate us. Or not, whatever. So, all I'm saying is, we've been there, done that, passed the test, and gone on to now attempt to teach you how to take an exam. Most of you probably opted not to listen (it's fine, your loss not mine) and will grumble through this test. One day I'll explain exactly why we test you on things (and no, it has less than nothing to do with trying to make you look bad, forcing you to learn obsolete information, or trying to make it impossible for you to get an A) but for now, please just don't complain to me any more about how hard your finals week is. I've been doing finals week (in heels, no less) since before you were born and I still look really good doing it. You'll live.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
My superpowers
Hello children. I have a theory that everyone has at least one superpower (or at least the people that natural selection isn't trying to kill off stealthily). Some people (like me) have several - I know, I'm amazing; it's ok, you can admit it. I'm sure you're now wondering what my superpowers are. I will list them for you now (has anyone figured out that this is my tribute to Baz Luhrmann?).
1. SUPER SENSES - My mother thinks it's weird that I smell and touch everything, but you can't deny your nature now, can you? And I can hear things that no one else can (perhaps I was oringally slated for a dog or something?).....including whispering students' voices who think they're outsmarting their professoressa, sneaky texting students who don't think I can tell that they're infatuated with some senseless texting convo. inside their backpack while I'm trying to impart wisdom and knowledge. I used to think it was just my sense of smell, but it turns out it's all of my senses. I think I was probably supposed to be some kind of caped superheroine but then I somehow mistakenly got lost and went to graduate school instead. Whoopsie. Whatever, SUPER DOCTOR is a fine title. That is the only name I will respond to come May.
2. ULTRA MAGNETISM - If you know me at all, you've probably come to realize that I attract quite a few.....weirdos (not you of course, it's everyone else). For some reason, I was entrusted with an ability to seek out all the freaks in the world and then make them comfortable enough to profess a never ending stream of inappropriate comments (again, this is not you, it's everyone else). I'm sure this trait will come in handy one of these days......I just haven't figured out how yet.
3. SUPER OBSERVATION - Turns out that observation is not a skill with which everyone is blessed. It's a shame really, you have no idea how handy it is to be able to know strange details of peoples' lives after a five minute conversation or a two minute perusal of their facebook page. I also think people don't realize that I can listen and remember. If you tell me something once, I'll remember. Therefore, my dearest darling students, don't lie to professoressa......I will ALWAYS know you're lying. Even if I let you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt one day. You've been warned.
So, friends, what are your superpowers? I think we should pool our resources and take over the world.
1. SUPER SENSES - My mother thinks it's weird that I smell and touch everything, but you can't deny your nature now, can you? And I can hear things that no one else can (perhaps I was oringally slated for a dog or something?).....including whispering students' voices who think they're outsmarting their professoressa, sneaky texting students who don't think I can tell that they're infatuated with some senseless texting convo. inside their backpack while I'm trying to impart wisdom and knowledge. I used to think it was just my sense of smell, but it turns out it's all of my senses. I think I was probably supposed to be some kind of caped superheroine but then I somehow mistakenly got lost and went to graduate school instead. Whoopsie. Whatever, SUPER DOCTOR is a fine title. That is the only name I will respond to come May.
2. ULTRA MAGNETISM - If you know me at all, you've probably come to realize that I attract quite a few.....weirdos (not you of course, it's everyone else). For some reason, I was entrusted with an ability to seek out all the freaks in the world and then make them comfortable enough to profess a never ending stream of inappropriate comments (again, this is not you, it's everyone else). I'm sure this trait will come in handy one of these days......I just haven't figured out how yet.
3. SUPER OBSERVATION - Turns out that observation is not a skill with which everyone is blessed. It's a shame really, you have no idea how handy it is to be able to know strange details of peoples' lives after a five minute conversation or a two minute perusal of their facebook page. I also think people don't realize that I can listen and remember. If you tell me something once, I'll remember. Therefore, my dearest darling students, don't lie to professoressa......I will ALWAYS know you're lying. Even if I let you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt one day. You've been warned.
So, friends, what are your superpowers? I think we should pool our resources and take over the world.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
You might be cut out for academia if....
To all who think being a college professor is a cushy job: you've never been more wrong. You're so wrong there's not even a way to express how wrong you are. It's not a job for the faint of heart, the wishy-washy, or the gentle talker. If you can't say NO and stand firm no matter what the heck people come up with as an excuse, you cannot do this job. However, if you possess some of the following qualities, you might be cut out for academia.
You might be cut out for academia if.....
1. You spend 60 hours a week preparing for your 13 hours of teaching. And then another 40 grading.
2. You are ok with sleeping an average of 4-5 hours a night and dreaming about the papers that you didn't get around to grading.
3. You don't mind when people repeatedly tell you they understand and then it becomes extremely evident that they didn't when you grade their tests.
4. You don't get beaten down when teaching the same grammar point four days a week for three weeks straight and then on the quiz, 50% of your students still don't get it.
5. You don't mind when students blame you for their inadequacies and inability to read, write, or manage their own lives at all.
6. You enjoy being solely responsible for 29 crazy 20 year olds in a country where they can drink whenever, wherever and only sort of speak the language. Good times, my friends, good times. If you haven't gotten the Italian ER call at 3am, you haven't lived.
7. You can manage numerous assistants - read you can take the blame for their errors but allow the praise for your own work to be credited to them on occasion.
8. You can stand for the question "Do you have any questions?" to be met with complete and utter silence.
9. You can win a staring contest. If you can't stare down your students who refuse to answer you in class, you'll never make it. I'm considering shaving my eyebrows into angry brows ala Rob Rix circa 1996.
10. You can make disjunctive pronouns fun. Turns out students like stupid songs and a dance to go along with it.
So my dearest friends, please evaluate very closely your goals in life. You don't want to end up bitter and sleep deprived with a big a** pile of papers to grade.
You might be cut out for academia if.....
1. You spend 60 hours a week preparing for your 13 hours of teaching. And then another 40 grading.
2. You are ok with sleeping an average of 4-5 hours a night and dreaming about the papers that you didn't get around to grading.
3. You don't mind when people repeatedly tell you they understand and then it becomes extremely evident that they didn't when you grade their tests.
4. You don't get beaten down when teaching the same grammar point four days a week for three weeks straight and then on the quiz, 50% of your students still don't get it.
5. You don't mind when students blame you for their inadequacies and inability to read, write, or manage their own lives at all.
6. You enjoy being solely responsible for 29 crazy 20 year olds in a country where they can drink whenever, wherever and only sort of speak the language. Good times, my friends, good times. If you haven't gotten the Italian ER call at 3am, you haven't lived.
7. You can manage numerous assistants - read you can take the blame for their errors but allow the praise for your own work to be credited to them on occasion.
8. You can stand for the question "Do you have any questions?" to be met with complete and utter silence.
9. You can win a staring contest. If you can't stare down your students who refuse to answer you in class, you'll never make it. I'm considering shaving my eyebrows into angry brows ala Rob Rix circa 1996.
10. You can make disjunctive pronouns fun. Turns out students like stupid songs and a dance to go along with it.
So my dearest friends, please evaluate very closely your goals in life. You don't want to end up bitter and sleep deprived with a big a** pile of papers to grade.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
10 things you don't know about me
My dearest darling students: you have no idea who I am. You think you know, in fact, you even like to tell me (in an extremely flawed manner) about my own life. So, in an effort to show you that I am not the person you think I am, here are 10 (from a list of about 100,000,000,000) things you don't know about me.
1. I went skydiving for my 20th birthday and will do so on every cardinal birthday from now until I die.
2. I am the most talented multi-tasker you will ever meet. I watch TV and listen to the radio at the same time on a regular basis and can juggle more than you'd ever believe.
3. I am now, and will always be, the only professor in your life that grades things from one class meeting to the next. Even if the turn around time is less than a day and even if what I'm grading is a series of long, error-riddled papers.
4. I am a pageant girl - I've competed in 5 states, 3 systems, and I'm not done yet.
5. I base my outfit on my shoes and get dressed from the bottom up.
6. My goal in life is to be an FBI Special Agent...and yes, I am on my way there.
7. I am probably the most observant person you'll ever meet. I can tell you things about your own life, very detailed things, that would probably scare you. Don't underestimate me. I can see what you're doing when I have my back turned and my ultra-sensitive ears can hear your silly little conversations about things that have no business in my classroom.
8. I hate winter holidays.
9. I don't believe in extra credit. Welcome to life biotches.
10. I can always find the answer. You should always start with me, it will save you time in the end.
1. I went skydiving for my 20th birthday and will do so on every cardinal birthday from now until I die.
2. I am the most talented multi-tasker you will ever meet. I watch TV and listen to the radio at the same time on a regular basis and can juggle more than you'd ever believe.
3. I am now, and will always be, the only professor in your life that grades things from one class meeting to the next. Even if the turn around time is less than a day and even if what I'm grading is a series of long, error-riddled papers.
4. I am a pageant girl - I've competed in 5 states, 3 systems, and I'm not done yet.
5. I base my outfit on my shoes and get dressed from the bottom up.
6. My goal in life is to be an FBI Special Agent...and yes, I am on my way there.
7. I am probably the most observant person you'll ever meet. I can tell you things about your own life, very detailed things, that would probably scare you. Don't underestimate me. I can see what you're doing when I have my back turned and my ultra-sensitive ears can hear your silly little conversations about things that have no business in my classroom.
8. I hate winter holidays.
9. I don't believe in extra credit. Welcome to life biotches.
10. I can always find the answer. You should always start with me, it will save you time in the end.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
You think you know....
Dear students: perhaps we haven't met. I'm your teacher. My time is very valuable, I'm amazingly intelligent, and I don't appreciate the following comment: "You don't have anything else going on."
Oh really?
Once again, I challenge you to follow me around for one week and see if you haven't broken down into a sloppy pile of tears and quivers on the floor. You could not handle my life. You don't know that because I, unlike you, don't feel the need to wax poetic about how busy I am, how unfair homework is, how stressful college is. Again I ask you.....do you think I haven't been there? Do you think I was born a stunningly stylish, extremely accomplished, amazing effective, fabulous shoe wearing teacher? Of course you do....because apparently no one bothered to teach you about reality.
Just for kicks, let me list for you my Tuesday November 30th to do list. Now, keep in mind that this is today's to do list. It is not everything I need to do this week, month, semester, or year.....it is what must absolutely, no questions asked be done by the end of today.
1. Grade 27 3-page Italian film papers
2. Grade 14 1020 exams
3. Grade 4 exercises/student for 86 students
4. Finish chapter 3 of my dissertation
5. Finish book review, format, edit, submit to UNC
6. Rewrite sponsorship packet for scholarship and external funding committee
7. Schedule scholarships and external funding committee meeting
8. Reserve room for committee meeting
9. Write agenda for committee meeting
10. Speak with university funding office regarding committee fundraising efforts
11. Submit judges bio to Miss Texas Southern Beauty pageant officials
12. Register for Cowtown Half marathon
13. Call Primecaset regarding charges
14. Write Italian quiz
15. Write first draft of 4 final exams
16. Consult SWCOLT Conference treasurer regarding payment for 2 panel presentations
17. Communicate with Italy regarding study abroad housing arrangements
18. Request letter of acknowledgement for Vatican Museum tickets
19. Register for dissertation credit at UNC
20. Communicate with dissertation director regarding dissertation defense date
It's now 4:41pm and I have accomplished only 6 of these items.....meaning that between now and 12:00 when I go to bed I have 16 more items to accomplish in addition to driving home, eating dinner, calling my mother, talking to my roommate, and folding my laundry.
You're right. I have nothing else going on.
Oh really?
Once again, I challenge you to follow me around for one week and see if you haven't broken down into a sloppy pile of tears and quivers on the floor. You could not handle my life. You don't know that because I, unlike you, don't feel the need to wax poetic about how busy I am, how unfair homework is, how stressful college is. Again I ask you.....do you think I haven't been there? Do you think I was born a stunningly stylish, extremely accomplished, amazing effective, fabulous shoe wearing teacher? Of course you do....because apparently no one bothered to teach you about reality.
Just for kicks, let me list for you my Tuesday November 30th to do list. Now, keep in mind that this is today's to do list. It is not everything I need to do this week, month, semester, or year.....it is what must absolutely, no questions asked be done by the end of today.
1. Grade 27 3-page Italian film papers
2. Grade 14 1020 exams
3. Grade 4 exercises/student for 86 students
4. Finish chapter 3 of my dissertation
5. Finish book review, format, edit, submit to UNC
6. Rewrite sponsorship packet for scholarship and external funding committee
7. Schedule scholarships and external funding committee meeting
8. Reserve room for committee meeting
9. Write agenda for committee meeting
10. Speak with university funding office regarding committee fundraising efforts
11. Submit judges bio to Miss Texas Southern Beauty pageant officials
12. Register for Cowtown Half marathon
13. Call Primecaset regarding charges
14. Write Italian quiz
15. Write first draft of 4 final exams
16. Consult SWCOLT Conference treasurer regarding payment for 2 panel presentations
17. Communicate with Italy regarding study abroad housing arrangements
18. Request letter of acknowledgement for Vatican Museum tickets
19. Register for dissertation credit at UNC
20. Communicate with dissertation director regarding dissertation defense date
It's now 4:41pm and I have accomplished only 6 of these items.....meaning that between now and 12:00 when I go to bed I have 16 more items to accomplish in addition to driving home, eating dinner, calling my mother, talking to my roommate, and folding my laundry.
You're right. I have nothing else going on.
Friday, November 26, 2010
When cougars attack....
As many of you know I hate the winter holidays. Everyone gets really stupid, travels in annoying packs, the weather is cold, and there's always drama. Therefore, when I'm queen of the world, there will be no more winter, every holiday will be celebrated with glitter and fireworks and stupid people will be "phased out." Until then, however, I will continue to roll my eyes dramatically at all of the utter stupidity that defines these lovely holidays. Exhibit A:
I was at the airport the other night waiting for my flight to California. I must admit that when going to California there are always some persons of questionable intelligence.....but I attribute that to the ridiculous amount of people that live in California. There's no way to avoid dumbness when your pool is so huge to start with. Anyway, the point is that while still at the airport I was distracted by two events.
Event 1: a group of about 5 guys had clearly indulged in some liquid courage before approaching the boarding area (read: arena of stupidity). They were loud, thought they were funny and smelled like sweat. Winners all the way around, you see.
Event 2: suspicious woman in pink track suit, fake nails, bleach blonde hair teased to the sky carrying unfashionable frock of a jacket arrives wondering where her plane is. She, like everyone else, was on her way to visit family for the holiday but was too dim-witted to realize that when standing in a group of people all holding tickets to the same city, chances are the plane at that gate will be going to your destination. In trying to be forgiving, I realized that maybe she's not a big traveler, but the GIANT SIGN WITH THE NAME OF THE DESTINATION ON IT should have been a clue! For her it was not. Stupid. Again, my friend, I ask you why natural selection hasn't yet done it's job.
Somehow I got lucky enough to sit by one of the aforementioned drunky drunks on the plane....well not next to, but in the same aisle. And then the pink lady (Cindy) arrived. over the next few hours I was lucky enough (and the fact that I didn't vomit and then throw it at them is quite remarkable) to experience her weaving her web of cougarness, cast it, and catch that poor little drunk boy without even knowing what hit him. By the end of the flight he was planning on changing his ticket, abandoning his baggage which had been checked through to Chicago and uprooting his sad little life for this crazy 50 year old woman. Oh and by the way, drunky drunk was 26....so that's nice.
The best part of the whole thing was probably when he chugged a few Jack Daniels minis, had to pee, was afraid to get up, almost peed himself, made out with Cindy, and then had to leap across her and me as soon as the wheels touched the ground to run off to the lavatory. High class courtship folks. Gentlemen, take notes.
I was at the airport the other night waiting for my flight to California. I must admit that when going to California there are always some persons of questionable intelligence.....but I attribute that to the ridiculous amount of people that live in California. There's no way to avoid dumbness when your pool is so huge to start with. Anyway, the point is that while still at the airport I was distracted by two events.
Event 1: a group of about 5 guys had clearly indulged in some liquid courage before approaching the boarding area (read: arena of stupidity). They were loud, thought they were funny and smelled like sweat. Winners all the way around, you see.
Event 2: suspicious woman in pink track suit, fake nails, bleach blonde hair teased to the sky carrying unfashionable frock of a jacket arrives wondering where her plane is. She, like everyone else, was on her way to visit family for the holiday but was too dim-witted to realize that when standing in a group of people all holding tickets to the same city, chances are the plane at that gate will be going to your destination. In trying to be forgiving, I realized that maybe she's not a big traveler, but the GIANT SIGN WITH THE NAME OF THE DESTINATION ON IT should have been a clue! For her it was not. Stupid. Again, my friend, I ask you why natural selection hasn't yet done it's job.
Somehow I got lucky enough to sit by one of the aforementioned drunky drunks on the plane....well not next to, but in the same aisle. And then the pink lady (Cindy) arrived. over the next few hours I was lucky enough (and the fact that I didn't vomit and then throw it at them is quite remarkable) to experience her weaving her web of cougarness, cast it, and catch that poor little drunk boy without even knowing what hit him. By the end of the flight he was planning on changing his ticket, abandoning his baggage which had been checked through to Chicago and uprooting his sad little life for this crazy 50 year old woman. Oh and by the way, drunky drunk was 26....so that's nice.
The best part of the whole thing was probably when he chugged a few Jack Daniels minis, had to pee, was afraid to get up, almost peed himself, made out with Cindy, and then had to leap across her and me as soon as the wheels touched the ground to run off to the lavatory. High class courtship folks. Gentlemen, take notes.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Mid semester slump cleaning
It's common knowledge (at least between my friend Briana and I) that students (and teachers for that matter) experience the phenomenon of a mid-semester slump. Ladies and gentlemen, it's in full swing here at UNT and I dare say I've been convinced of that ever so popular saying: Everything's bigger in Texas. Yes, including the mid-semester slump......it's only supposed to last about two weeks but I'd argue it's been in full effect for the last five!
Anyway, I had decided that I would kick that slump in the butt a few times, make it cry, call for it's mommy, and then give it one more nudge just to show it who's boss. So, last night I graded three classes worth of exams (teacher friends, you'll appreciate the amount of time and self-loathing went into that) and even cleaned out my super secret teacher shoulder bag. I will not tell you what I found inside....you might not be my friend anymore.
This morning I got to school early (read at the same time as every other day), BUT I did not spend my usual forty minute "warm-up" checking facebook and all of my non school emails. I went right to work: Ticket streaming radio on, UNT email checked, grades entered into gradebook. I even double checked all of my grades for the whole semester. I know, I deserve teacher of the year award. Then I finished planning my three hour film class, tracked down the video (a little more of a challenge than weeks past), wrote a short quiz, copied that quiz, dropped off a packet to study abroad, talked with Laetitia and all before 11:30! It's a record.
The most amazing part is that I actually cleaned off my desk! Now, by cleaned off my desk I mean I went through the piles, put made some new ones, and transferred the stuff on one corner to the other.....BUT I now know everything that was on this desk and I will share that with you now.
2 pictures of Cefalù
6 white erase board markers only 1 of which works (and I can never remember which one)
1 unopened bottle of water that has been in the same place for three weeks
14 business cards from publishers and other "important" people
3 black pens
1 red pen
1 bottle of white out that I've been rocking since colelge
An address from a person I don't recognize
A dentist appointment reminder card
1 hair tie
1 glasses case
1 pair of glasses who never make their way back into that case
16 sticky notes in assorted colors
An email address that I don't recognize
A list of availability for my committee members that has about 1 inch of dust on it
1 color ink cartridge (aka the holy grail)
UNC readmission applicaton
Abstract for a conference I'll present at in April x 2
6 sponsor letters for my committee
3 oral interview sign up sheets
Wintergreen sugar free breath mints
My phone
Computer and printer
Clock
Flashdrive that has a bunch of files I don't recognize on it
Unopened microfilm of a 1937 dissertation on Giovanni Verga
Staples catalogue
Information for someone in the athletic department but I'm not sure why
And that's just on top! But it's all organized now.....and maybe three weeks from tomorrow I'll tackle the inside of my drawers, the bookshelf, and the "extras" box.
Anyway, I had decided that I would kick that slump in the butt a few times, make it cry, call for it's mommy, and then give it one more nudge just to show it who's boss. So, last night I graded three classes worth of exams (teacher friends, you'll appreciate the amount of time and self-loathing went into that) and even cleaned out my super secret teacher shoulder bag. I will not tell you what I found inside....you might not be my friend anymore.
This morning I got to school early (read at the same time as every other day), BUT I did not spend my usual forty minute "warm-up" checking facebook and all of my non school emails. I went right to work: Ticket streaming radio on, UNT email checked, grades entered into gradebook. I even double checked all of my grades for the whole semester. I know, I deserve teacher of the year award. Then I finished planning my three hour film class, tracked down the video (a little more of a challenge than weeks past), wrote a short quiz, copied that quiz, dropped off a packet to study abroad, talked with Laetitia and all before 11:30! It's a record.
The most amazing part is that I actually cleaned off my desk! Now, by cleaned off my desk I mean I went through the piles, put made some new ones, and transferred the stuff on one corner to the other.....BUT I now know everything that was on this desk and I will share that with you now.
2 pictures of Cefalù
6 white erase board markers only 1 of which works (and I can never remember which one)
1 unopened bottle of water that has been in the same place for three weeks
14 business cards from publishers and other "important" people
3 black pens
1 red pen
1 bottle of white out that I've been rocking since colelge
An address from a person I don't recognize
A dentist appointment reminder card
1 hair tie
1 glasses case
1 pair of glasses who never make their way back into that case
16 sticky notes in assorted colors
An email address that I don't recognize
A list of availability for my committee members that has about 1 inch of dust on it
1 color ink cartridge (aka the holy grail)
UNC readmission applicaton
Abstract for a conference I'll present at in April x 2
6 sponsor letters for my committee
3 oral interview sign up sheets
Wintergreen sugar free breath mints
My phone
Computer and printer
Clock
Flashdrive that has a bunch of files I don't recognize on it
Unopened microfilm of a 1937 dissertation on Giovanni Verga
Staples catalogue
Information for someone in the athletic department but I'm not sure why
And that's just on top! But it's all organized now.....and maybe three weeks from tomorrow I'll tackle the inside of my drawers, the bookshelf, and the "extras" box.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Weird and creepy or sweet and generous. You be the judge.
I've always known Italian students are different than other students.....and by different I mean way cooler and super awesome. However, there are moments when I wonder if maybe my lovely language attracts the crazies. Here are some moments I've collected over the last six and a half years of teaching and let me know if you think they're weird and creepy or sweet and generous.
1. One of my students asked me if I liked Snickers. I said no, I prefer Milky Ways because I don't like peanuts. So, the next day he came to the office hours, opened a snickers bar, ate the top off (where the peanuts are) and then gave me the rest. Weird and creepy or sweet and generous?
2. One time I was telling my students the story of how my kitty had to have her tail partially amputated. The next week after the surgery one of them brought me a stuffed kitty tale. Or maybe it was for Coco, I'm not sure. Weird and creepy or sweet and generous?
3. I had a student who consistently fell asleep in class because his "cagna" of a girlfriend kept him up all night fighting. So, he started bringing me apples from the dining hall. And then when he started coming late and falling asleep he would bring fake sunflowers. They're still in the drawer of my desk at UNC. Weird and creepy or sweet and generous?
4. One of my students was Hawaiian and apparently really liked my class so she made some Hawaiian holiday bread.....in the shapes of my initials.....and then left them outside my classroom so I would find them after the final. Weird and creepy or sweet and generous?
I guess that's only really 4 things.....but they stick out.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Top 10 movies everyone should see
I have stellar taste in movies. I do, it's why everyone always wants to watch them with me. So here are the top 10 I think you should all watch:
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Flashdance
3. The Emperor's New Groove
4. The Cutting Edge
5. The Bourne Series - I know that's three....but they count as one
6. Austin Powers - I only really like the second one
7. Secretary
8. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
10. It's a mad mad mad mad world
*These are in random order.....none is more important than the others*
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Flashdance
3. The Emperor's New Groove
4. The Cutting Edge
5. The Bourne Series - I know that's three....but they count as one
6. Austin Powers - I only really like the second one
7. Secretary
8. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
10. It's a mad mad mad mad world
*These are in random order.....none is more important than the others*
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Come conquistare le donne americane
This morning I was talking to a friend in Italy and he wanted to know how American men "conquistano" women. Well.....perhaps problem number one would be in the translation of that word, but I think it's also worth noting that I'm not convinced there is any conquistamento going on. The more we talked about, the funnier it became. In fact, all I could think of were things you shouldn't do. Here is a sampling.
1. Don't tell me how hot you are. If I hadn't already noticed on my own, you're just not. You "helping me" to see your hotness is just annoying.
2. Telling me how many beers you drank last night is not impressive. It is directly proportionate to how stupid I think you are.
3. I am a very observant person. If I have to ask you more than once what you're looking at, you're out. Believe it or not, I will notice you not looking at my eyes.
4. Bringing me a creepy scalp massager as a gift will not win you points.
5. Feet gross me out, especially boy feet. Please don't touch me with yours.
1. Don't tell me how hot you are. If I hadn't already noticed on my own, you're just not. You "helping me" to see your hotness is just annoying.
2. Telling me how many beers you drank last night is not impressive. It is directly proportionate to how stupid I think you are.
3. I am a very observant person. If I have to ask you more than once what you're looking at, you're out. Believe it or not, I will notice you not looking at my eyes.
4. Bringing me a creepy scalp massager as a gift will not win you points.
5. Feet gross me out, especially boy feet. Please don't touch me with yours.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Top 5 exchanges of the week
Another week has gone by and I've added several questions to my arsenal of "student gems." Here are the top 5 for this week (and yes, it is a little odd that all of these would happen in the same week):
Student: Professoressa, have you ever lived in Italy?
Me: Yes.
Student: So did you like it?
Me: Yes.
Student: Did you speak Italian before you went?
Me: Yes, but you never really know a language until you live there. Having friends and boyfriends and girlfriends who don't speak English really forces you to learn to communicate.
Student: So when you came back, that's when you decided to learn Italian?
Me: ............................yes.
Student: What should I call you? Doctor? Professor?
Me: Well, I'm not a doctor yet.....that happens in May. Professor is fine.
Student: Great, so Doctor Greenfield, can you please sign my form for me.
Student: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Working on my dissertation, grading papers, planning lessons, writing tests. The usual.
Student: Wow, sounds fun.
Me: The joys of teaching.
Student: Well.....have a good weekend. I guess you're not really doing anything......
Me: ..........................thanks.
Student: Professoressa, you always go to Sicily, right?
Me: Yes.
Student: Have you ever known anyone in the Mafia?
Me: Yes, but not the Italian Mafia. Most of my friends are Albanian.
Student: So what mafia was he in?
Me: ............................the Albanian mafia?
Student: Professoressa Greenfield, do you have a degree in Italian?
Me: Yes, several actually.
Student: Really? From where?
Me: Berkeley, Notre Dame, and UNC in May.
Student: Wow....so you've been studying Italian for a while?
Me: Yes.
Student: Did you study it in high school?
Me: No, I did German in high school, and started Italian when I got to college at UC Berkeley.
Student: So where did you learn Italian?
Me: .............................I'm a native speaker.
Student: Oh! That's why you talk so fast?!
Me: .............................yes.
Student: Professoressa, have you ever lived in Italy?
Me: Yes.
Student: So did you like it?
Me: Yes.
Student: Did you speak Italian before you went?
Me: Yes, but you never really know a language until you live there. Having friends and boyfriends and girlfriends who don't speak English really forces you to learn to communicate.
Student: So when you came back, that's when you decided to learn Italian?
Me: ............................yes.
Student: What should I call you? Doctor? Professor?
Me: Well, I'm not a doctor yet.....that happens in May. Professor is fine.
Student: Great, so Doctor Greenfield, can you please sign my form for me.
Student: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Working on my dissertation, grading papers, planning lessons, writing tests. The usual.
Student: Wow, sounds fun.
Me: The joys of teaching.
Student: Well.....have a good weekend. I guess you're not really doing anything......
Me: ..........................thanks.
Student: Professoressa, you always go to Sicily, right?
Me: Yes.
Student: Have you ever known anyone in the Mafia?
Me: Yes, but not the Italian Mafia. Most of my friends are Albanian.
Student: So what mafia was he in?
Me: ............................the Albanian mafia?
Student: Professoressa Greenfield, do you have a degree in Italian?
Me: Yes, several actually.
Student: Really? From where?
Me: Berkeley, Notre Dame, and UNC in May.
Student: Wow....so you've been studying Italian for a while?
Me: Yes.
Student: Did you study it in high school?
Me: No, I did German in high school, and started Italian when I got to college at UC Berkeley.
Student: So where did you learn Italian?
Me: .............................I'm a native speaker.
Student: Oh! That's why you talk so fast?!
Me: .............................yes.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Which of these doesn't belong with the others?
Over the last year and a bit I have collected quite an array of strange items in my office, developed some opinions, and compiled an ever growing list of student gems (bad excuses, hilarious comments, etc). I have also started to travel with my entire life in the car, in my closet, and in my car at any given time. How well do you think you know me? Can you pick the thing that doesn't belong in each of these lists?
In my office:
an extra pair of black pumps
a dallas cowboys hologram cup
a shocking pink sweater
scissors
orange pen
2 pairs of shoes waiting to be taken to the cobbler for heel repairs
glitter lipstick
dental floss
In my car:
2 bags of "extra" clothes
fleece jacket
ice scraper
origami goose
chandelier earrings
lip gloss
27 different super ultra mega dance mixes made by DJ Jessica
5 reusable shopping bags
In my closet:
leggings
5 pairs of rain boots in various patterns
2 pairs of clear "stripper" shoes
shocking pink tennis shoes
3 red dresses
pageant trophies
20 foot extension cord
2 sequined sparkle dresses
In my office:
an extra pair of black pumps
a dallas cowboys hologram cup
a shocking pink sweater
scissors
orange pen
2 pairs of shoes waiting to be taken to the cobbler for heel repairs
glitter lipstick
dental floss
In my car:
2 bags of "extra" clothes
fleece jacket
ice scraper
origami goose
chandelier earrings
lip gloss
27 different super ultra mega dance mixes made by DJ Jessica
5 reusable shopping bags
In my closet:
leggings
5 pairs of rain boots in various patterns
2 pairs of clear "stripper" shoes
shocking pink tennis shoes
3 red dresses
pageant trophies
20 foot extension cord
2 sequined sparkle dresses
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
"Teacher" is a euphemism
I'm sure at some point every little kid wanted to be a teacher. But let me tell you something! Teacher is a euphemism. For what you ask? Let me name some of things I am a regular basis:
1. Bad excuse sifter-thougher
2. Expert negotiator
3. Pep talk giver and amazing motivator
4. Life coach and expert advice giver
5. Crisis manager
6. Learn to live on 5 hours sleep because the mountain of grading never gets smaller -er
7. Grammar explainer extraordinaire
8. Amazing time management and future planner...I already have the 2010-2011 and 2011-2012 academic years planned out.
9. Explainer of the same point in 100 different ways
10. Master attention holder
1. Bad excuse sifter-thougher
2. Expert negotiator
3. Pep talk giver and amazing motivator
4. Life coach and expert advice giver
5. Crisis manager
6. Learn to live on 5 hours sleep because the mountain of grading never gets smaller -er
7. Grammar explainer extraordinaire
8. Amazing time management and future planner...I already have the 2010-2011 and 2011-2012 academic years planned out.
9. Explainer of the same point in 100 different ways
10. Master attention holder
Monday, November 8, 2010
My neck got a little redder this weekend
This weekend I participated in one of the oldest and most respected redneck passtimes: NASCAR. I have to say, I was skeptical. I mean, when we got there I refused to even roll down my window to talk to anyone to figure out where to park. Aaron kept saying, "Ask that guy, should we ask her?" My response: "No! Don't open your window! We'll figure it out, don't talk to anyone." However, I finally gave in when I saw a line of cars lined up to a lovely lady with 2 missing teeth, drinking a beer, directing big giant pick up trucks into parking spots. When I finally got up the courage to roll down the window and talk to her, the few remaining teeth (which were a little blacker than a healthy smile usually is) informed me I could park anywhere on the grass......FOR FREE! What? Free tickets and free parking? Ok, 1 point for Texas Motor Speedway.
So, we parked.....well, after waiting for the dummies next door to close their car door and the crazy feathered hair, over hairsprayed crazy woman walked in front of me not once, but three times! All I'm saying is, if you're going to start drinking at 8am, learn to walk......football tailgaters have been doing it for years, I believe you can do it to. Anyway, so we park. While we walked through the throng of giant pick up trucks and DuPont jacket clad smokers, we approached the "free stuff" area. Most intriguing had to be the blacked out Skoal compound. Obviously you had to be "21 years of age and a current tobacco user" to enter (so obviously I didn't go in) but I have to say I wanted to know what those bouncers were hiding behind those black walls! We kept walking, and went inside....to be greeted by a margarita stand. That was fun, so we bought one (it was pretty disgusting, but whatever). I guess we didn't get the memo that we should have brought our own cooler filled with bud light and peanuts, but apparently not only can you park for free, you can bring alcohol INTO the....stadium? arena? stands? whatever the sitting part is called. And, the people are super nice and even offer you cookies and Mike's Hard Lemonade from their personal supply! Football fans don't do that.
So, we find out seats (next to a man with a VERY expensive digital camera a super telescope lens and in front of some crazy woman with an accent so think I was pretty sure she's been flown in from rural Kentucky by one of the many helicopters that were bringing fans from who knows where). And then.....we realized that Willie Nelson was singing! I don't know where he was.....clearly nowhere near us, but it's still a pretty big deal. I mean the man is 137 and a Texas legend, right? So that was exciting. But then, the ridiculousness started: they introduced every single driver and then put them in a Chevy truck and drove them around the entire racetrack! That took forever, and then they finally got all the cars started up and the ground started rumbling (I'm in love with that by the way) and then they did a million pace laps. I don't really get that part or how all the crazies knew when the pace car was going to pull off......but all of a sudden everyone started standing up and then.....it started.
I don't really know exactly what happens or why things happen when they do.....and I find it annoying that they have to slow down and follow the pace car every once and a while. Like at some point some guy blew his motor or something so everyone had to slow down to they could make sure there was no oil on the track. And then two other cars got kicked out too....although I couldn't tell you why. Then some guy spun himself out on the grass and they had to make everyone stop so they could sweep the grass away. And then some guy shredded his tire and they had to clean that. Somehow, people seem to know when the pace car is going to pull off and everyone starts standing up and yelling, which is all very exciting. I haven't figured that part out yet. Nor have I figured out why some guys get to catch up when the pace car comes out or what a free lap is.....but they fans hate that. I also don't understand if the time stops when they are on clean up duty or if those laps count or what.
I really want to go back and get the little headphones that all the "serious" fans wear so you can listen to the drivers talk to their pit bosses.....I think that probably changes a lot, but it's still SUPER fun! Perhaps the funniest part was the text I got from Fred after I told him I was having fun stating:
Just remember if you wind up liking this sport you could find yourself singing C & W music, wearing hot pants, and out looking buy a trailer! I'll love you no matter what....even if your neck gets a little red.
So, we parked.....well, after waiting for the dummies next door to close their car door and the crazy feathered hair, over hairsprayed crazy woman walked in front of me not once, but three times! All I'm saying is, if you're going to start drinking at 8am, learn to walk......football tailgaters have been doing it for years, I believe you can do it to. Anyway, so we park. While we walked through the throng of giant pick up trucks and DuPont jacket clad smokers, we approached the "free stuff" area. Most intriguing had to be the blacked out Skoal compound. Obviously you had to be "21 years of age and a current tobacco user" to enter (so obviously I didn't go in) but I have to say I wanted to know what those bouncers were hiding behind those black walls! We kept walking, and went inside....to be greeted by a margarita stand. That was fun, so we bought one (it was pretty disgusting, but whatever). I guess we didn't get the memo that we should have brought our own cooler filled with bud light and peanuts, but apparently not only can you park for free, you can bring alcohol INTO the....stadium? arena? stands? whatever the sitting part is called. And, the people are super nice and even offer you cookies and Mike's Hard Lemonade from their personal supply! Football fans don't do that.
So, we find out seats (next to a man with a VERY expensive digital camera a super telescope lens and in front of some crazy woman with an accent so think I was pretty sure she's been flown in from rural Kentucky by one of the many helicopters that were bringing fans from who knows where). And then.....we realized that Willie Nelson was singing! I don't know where he was.....clearly nowhere near us, but it's still a pretty big deal. I mean the man is 137 and a Texas legend, right? So that was exciting. But then, the ridiculousness started: they introduced every single driver and then put them in a Chevy truck and drove them around the entire racetrack! That took forever, and then they finally got all the cars started up and the ground started rumbling (I'm in love with that by the way) and then they did a million pace laps. I don't really get that part or how all the crazies knew when the pace car was going to pull off......but all of a sudden everyone started standing up and then.....it started.
I don't really know exactly what happens or why things happen when they do.....and I find it annoying that they have to slow down and follow the pace car every once and a while. Like at some point some guy blew his motor or something so everyone had to slow down to they could make sure there was no oil on the track. And then two other cars got kicked out too....although I couldn't tell you why. Then some guy spun himself out on the grass and they had to make everyone stop so they could sweep the grass away. And then some guy shredded his tire and they had to clean that. Somehow, people seem to know when the pace car is going to pull off and everyone starts standing up and yelling, which is all very exciting. I haven't figured that part out yet. Nor have I figured out why some guys get to catch up when the pace car comes out or what a free lap is.....but they fans hate that. I also don't understand if the time stops when they are on clean up duty or if those laps count or what.
I really want to go back and get the little headphones that all the "serious" fans wear so you can listen to the drivers talk to their pit bosses.....I think that probably changes a lot, but it's still SUPER fun! Perhaps the funniest part was the text I got from Fred after I told him I was having fun stating:
Just remember if you wind up liking this sport you could find yourself singing C & W music, wearing hot pants, and out looking buy a trailer! I'll love you no matter what....even if your neck gets a little red.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Hello. How 'bout that ride in...
I just rewatched the Hangover and I just about died laughing. I mean, my cheeks hurt and I have a cramp in my side. I don't know how anyone can find that movie un-funny. And, to top it all off, it just gets funnier and funnier! I know the sequel won't be funny....how can you top greatness? Here are some of my favorite scenes.
1. Hello. How 'bout that ride in. I guess that's why they call it sin city. Hahah.
How can you not love the wolfpack speech?! Anything ending in a crazy bearded man whipping out a knife and trying to be blood brothers with three other men is just plain genius.
2. Here, Stu, have some juice. *Insert dry heave here*
I don't know why but I find vomit sounds hilarious. I realize that's weird, but I can't help it. So please don't even get sick in front of me.....I will not be able to empathize, I'll fall over laughing.
3. Shhhhh, here comes my favorite part right here.
Who doesn't love Mike Tyson singing Phil Collins?! Ah, gotta love that lisp. And the tiger in the bathroom.
4. Oh my god! I got mauled!
I don't know why but I laugh so hard when the tiger wakes up in the car I literally couldn't breathe. I just about fell off the couch. Compound the fact that Aaron doesn't think it's funny at all and it makes me laugh harder. Love it.
I think Zach Galifianakis is greatness and I can't wait for the next movie to come out with Robert Downy Jr. and a dog wearing a cone of shame. I'm pretty sure I'll have sore cheeks for weeks.
1. Hello. How 'bout that ride in. I guess that's why they call it sin city. Hahah.
How can you not love the wolfpack speech?! Anything ending in a crazy bearded man whipping out a knife and trying to be blood brothers with three other men is just plain genius.
2. Here, Stu, have some juice. *Insert dry heave here*
I don't know why but I find vomit sounds hilarious. I realize that's weird, but I can't help it. So please don't even get sick in front of me.....I will not be able to empathize, I'll fall over laughing.
3. Shhhhh, here comes my favorite part right here.
Who doesn't love Mike Tyson singing Phil Collins?! Ah, gotta love that lisp. And the tiger in the bathroom.
4. Oh my god! I got mauled!
I don't know why but I laugh so hard when the tiger wakes up in the car I literally couldn't breathe. I just about fell off the couch. Compound the fact that Aaron doesn't think it's funny at all and it makes me laugh harder. Love it.
I think Zach Galifianakis is greatness and I can't wait for the next movie to come out with Robert Downy Jr. and a dog wearing a cone of shame. I'm pretty sure I'll have sore cheeks for weeks.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
What do you think a syllabus is for?
A syllabus (pl. syllabi or syllabuses; from Latin syllabus "list" probably of Greek origin), is an outline and summary of topics to be covered in an education or training course. It is descriptive (unlike the prescriptive or specific curriculum). A syllabus is often either set out by an exam board, or prepared by the professor who supervises or controls the course quality.
Seeing as this work has greek origins, let's go ahead and accept that this word has been around for a long time. I think we can also accept that professors have been distributing syllabi on the first day of class for many many years. This is not a new practice. So, now that we've moved into the virtual age, the fact that we look at the syllabus on a large computer screen should not be any more confusing that seeing that syllabus in paper form (which students are encouraged to print from home). So why don't you understand that you should read the syllabus and always refer to it when you have questions?
Why do you not understand the following things:
1. The syllabus says if you arrive more than 5 minutes late, you're absent for the day. Why do you come in 15 minutes late everyday and then argue with me that you haven't missed any classes. Do you think what I talk about in the first 15 minutes is expendable information? Its' not.....it's arguably the most important information and you're missing it.
2. The syllabus says that you cannot make up a test or quiz. Why do you repeatedly ask me if you can make up the quiz you missed because you slept in yesterday?
3. The syllabus tells you what grammar points and what pages in the book we'll cover each day. Why do you insist of bugging me with the question "I was absent yesterday, did we do anything important? What did we cover?"
Do you think I like making a syllabus. It's not very fun, but it has all the information you'll need for the whole semester. I also discuss that information on the first day of class......if you had bothered to show up and open your ears you would have heard that discussion. So why, oh why, don't you refer to that when you should?! It's worked since before you can even fathom. Why do you think you're above it?!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Hall-o-wha?
Happy Halloween! I have to admit, this is one of my favorite holidays.....but since there are no fireworks and it's cold, it will never beat the 4th of July. HOWEVER, it is always fun to dress up. But please, ladies and gentlemen, cover up.
Last night I had my first block party experience. Now, I have lived some very cool places and have partaken in some of the country's best Halloween celebrations. I have been to the Castro, I have been to Franklin Street, I have even been to Corby's on Halloween. But never, my friends, have I experienced the debauchery that was the Cedar Springs Block Party.
First of all, there is a "catwalk" down the middle of the road. I guess I was thinking this would be some kind of raised platform where divas and drag queens would strut their stuff. It was actually a walking lane that was delineated by cattle barricades where anyone who wanted to could stroll along for everyone to look at them.
Some people did a good job. Highlights for the evening included: anyone with a headdress that was more than ten feet high, Gonzo, and the adorable pink Care Bear that accompanied me all night. And then, my friends, there were the "others." I think maybe the problem is that I just didn't understand the costumes. Perhaps you can enlighten me.
When did a g-string and a trench coat become a costume? What are you?
Why is your skirt so short I can actually see more of your naught parts with it on? What's the point there?
By teasing your hair to the sky and wearing the world's greatest push up bra, what are you accomplishing? You're still not wearing a costume, you just look like a moderately priced ho.
And my personal favorite.....why are you wearing roller skates if you don't know how to skate? I watched you fall three times in six seconds, and you haven't even had a cocktail yet. Isn't that going to be annoying by the end of the night?
When did Lingerie Diva and Electric Boutique becomes the go to places for Halloween costumes? Why do you need to be risqué Dorothy? Why is Alice in Wonderland wearing tulle, thigh highs, and stiletto CFM shoes? And I'm pretty sure Wednesday Adams was not known for her midriff bearing black sweater to compliment her teeny weeny not-even-a-skirt.
I must be getting old.....I don't find it fun to have to turn away from your bare butt bobbing down the street only to run into a naked boy wearing a string and a leaf. Come on people, I went to Berkeley were naked roams the streets and Halloween is celebrated by the entire bay area flocking to a 10 square mile neighborhood in San Francisco. But alas, the times change, even the hippest of us becomes squares and "conservative" thinkers. All I'm saying is, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Why is your skirt so short I can actually see more of your naught parts with it on? What's the point there?
By teasing your hair to the sky and wearing the world's greatest push up bra, what are you accomplishing? You're still not wearing a costume, you just look like a moderately priced ho.
And my personal favorite.....why are you wearing roller skates if you don't know how to skate? I watched you fall three times in six seconds, and you haven't even had a cocktail yet. Isn't that going to be annoying by the end of the night?
When did Lingerie Diva and Electric Boutique becomes the go to places for Halloween costumes? Why do you need to be risqué Dorothy? Why is Alice in Wonderland wearing tulle, thigh highs, and stiletto CFM shoes? And I'm pretty sure Wednesday Adams was not known for her midriff bearing black sweater to compliment her teeny weeny not-even-a-skirt.
I must be getting old.....I don't find it fun to have to turn away from your bare butt bobbing down the street only to run into a naked boy wearing a string and a leaf. Come on people, I went to Berkeley were naked roams the streets and Halloween is celebrated by the entire bay area flocking to a 10 square mile neighborhood in San Francisco. But alas, the times change, even the hippest of us becomes squares and "conservative" thinkers. All I'm saying is, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
10 things I don't believe in and neither should you.
Sometimes people accuse me of blatant disregard for rules. Well, first off it's not blatant, I'm very good at being discreet. Second, I don't believe in rules that have no basis in reality. So, here are a list of ten things I don't believe in.
1. Parking lot stop signs.
2. Wisdom comes with age.
3. You can overdress for an event.
4. "Rhinestones don't belong at this event."
5. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
6. The more you sweat, the better the workout.
7. "A lady doesn't use that kind of language."
8. There is no more democrat or republic, we just have liberal conservatives and conservative liberals.
9. Reality TV rots your brain.
10. If you don't sing well, sing loud.
I feel strongly that you should all get on my bandwagon. Please consider.
1. Parking lot stop signs.
2. Wisdom comes with age.
3. You can overdress for an event.
4. "Rhinestones don't belong at this event."
5. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
6. The more you sweat, the better the workout.
7. "A lady doesn't use that kind of language."
8. There is no more democrat or republic, we just have liberal conservatives and conservative liberals.
9. Reality TV rots your brain.
10. If you don't sing well, sing loud.
I feel strongly that you should all get on my bandwagon. Please consider.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Oh really? I had no idea!
It's been one of those weeks where everyone around me has decided to stop dedicating even the mediocre amount of energy they may or may not have put into their work previously and is now just resigning themselves completely from being any help to me at all. In case you didn't know, I love it when that happens. Furthermore, I got one of my favorite statements today: "You just don't understand what it's like to be a student....it's really hard work." Oh really? I had no idea! I miraculously skipped the 23 years of education it takes to get to my place in life. I'm a miracle child.....I didn't have to go to college. I learned Italian, how to teach, and everything else that resides in my brain without school. I just woke up one morning and I was suddenly an expert at all things italiano. I mean, I'm a pretty big deal. The E! channel will be doing a special on me shortly.
Dear student: you have very nicely just demonstrated an idiot moment. If you think, for even a second, that I have it (yes, present tense, I am still a student, which means not only do I work full time (read 60-80 hours a week) figuring out how to talk in a manner that you can absorb, but I also do my own work) any easier than you, you should probably just give up on life all together right this very moment. Do you really think that because I went to college in the year 2000 that things were easier? Perhaps you haven't listened to any media source in the last few years, but our educational system is currently failing you. It gives you the false sense that college is for everyone, anyone can graduate, and that it's easy. It may be that way, but it shouldn't be. You, my dear student, are spoiled by having me as a teacher. I make myself available, I teach in a manner you can understand, I stop to ask if you're understanding me when I talk, and I give you the skills to learn on your own through directed readings. Do you think I got that? Kinda, sorta, maybe from some professors.....but really, and yes, people will lie about this, you learn to teach from the bad teachers. Rarely do we actually mirror ourselves after good teachers. More often we try to oppose those unfortunate teachers who really can't teach.
Perhaps you're not familiar with the American education system, so here are a few updates:
1. One must finish high school to be accepted into college. I went to college, so yes, I did have to work my way through high school, just as you did.
2. One must actually complete two separate fields of study to earn a double bachelor's degree. I, indeed, have a double bachelor's. Yes, I in fact did complete two completely separate courses of study; one in Italian and one in Classics. And if that's not enough for you I actually got in trouble for taking TOO MANY HOURS as an undergrad because as a college athlete I was gifted some hours which I very politely regifted back to the university.
3. One must complete an undergraduate degree to be admitted into a masters program. Surprise! I was admitted to a masters program!!!
4. One must complete a masters program to be admitted to a doctoral program. You'll never guess.....YES, I was admitted to a doctoral program!
5. One must complete that doctoral program, including the successful writing of a dissertation, successful publication of scholarly articles, editing and rewriting of current textbooks, presentation of current research at scholarly conferences, and the like to become a doctor. Guess what I'll be in May?
6. To be hired into a full time teaching job, one must work with colleagues, build a successful language program, not lose any students to death or other events on study abroad, contribute to the administrative success of a university, etc. I know this will surprise you, but I have a full time teaching job.
So, my dear students, think again before you try and tell me that I just don't understand what you're going through. Been there, done that, did it with heels on, and I still look really darn good. I invite you to come spend a week in my shoes, do everything I do, wear my five inch heels everyday, and then tell me that your life is harder than mine. I think you'll see that I work just as hard as you do!
The moral of the story is: Get over yourselves, you're not that special. Life is hard, it sucks sometimes, and no one will shed a tear for you about that. Instead, suck it up, put on your big girl panties, and plow ahead at full speed.
Dear student: you have very nicely just demonstrated an idiot moment. If you think, for even a second, that I have it (yes, present tense, I am still a student, which means not only do I work full time (read 60-80 hours a week) figuring out how to talk in a manner that you can absorb, but I also do my own work) any easier than you, you should probably just give up on life all together right this very moment. Do you really think that because I went to college in the year 2000 that things were easier? Perhaps you haven't listened to any media source in the last few years, but our educational system is currently failing you. It gives you the false sense that college is for everyone, anyone can graduate, and that it's easy. It may be that way, but it shouldn't be. You, my dear student, are spoiled by having me as a teacher. I make myself available, I teach in a manner you can understand, I stop to ask if you're understanding me when I talk, and I give you the skills to learn on your own through directed readings. Do you think I got that? Kinda, sorta, maybe from some professors.....but really, and yes, people will lie about this, you learn to teach from the bad teachers. Rarely do we actually mirror ourselves after good teachers. More often we try to oppose those unfortunate teachers who really can't teach.
Perhaps you're not familiar with the American education system, so here are a few updates:
1. One must finish high school to be accepted into college. I went to college, so yes, I did have to work my way through high school, just as you did.
2. One must actually complete two separate fields of study to earn a double bachelor's degree. I, indeed, have a double bachelor's. Yes, I in fact did complete two completely separate courses of study; one in Italian and one in Classics. And if that's not enough for you I actually got in trouble for taking TOO MANY HOURS as an undergrad because as a college athlete I was gifted some hours which I very politely regifted back to the university.
3. One must complete an undergraduate degree to be admitted into a masters program. Surprise! I was admitted to a masters program!!!
4. One must complete a masters program to be admitted to a doctoral program. You'll never guess.....YES, I was admitted to a doctoral program!
5. One must complete that doctoral program, including the successful writing of a dissertation, successful publication of scholarly articles, editing and rewriting of current textbooks, presentation of current research at scholarly conferences, and the like to become a doctor. Guess what I'll be in May?
6. To be hired into a full time teaching job, one must work with colleagues, build a successful language program, not lose any students to death or other events on study abroad, contribute to the administrative success of a university, etc. I know this will surprise you, but I have a full time teaching job.
So, my dear students, think again before you try and tell me that I just don't understand what you're going through. Been there, done that, did it with heels on, and I still look really darn good. I invite you to come spend a week in my shoes, do everything I do, wear my five inch heels everyday, and then tell me that your life is harder than mine. I think you'll see that I work just as hard as you do!
The moral of the story is: Get over yourselves, you're not that special. Life is hard, it sucks sometimes, and no one will shed a tear for you about that. Instead, suck it up, put on your big girl panties, and plow ahead at full speed.
Monday, October 25, 2010
5 urban academic myths the world will try to convince you are true
There are some crazy myths out there and if you're superstitious at all, you might start to believe some of them. But these 5 you should be wary of....
1. People who complete their PhD come out of school over educated and under socialized. Oh really? Follow me for week and then come tell me that I'm under socialized. This my friends, is called jealously, and it's frowned upon in most modern societies.
2. A math or science degree is worth more than a liberal arts or humanities degree. Ok Mr. science nerd that hasn't been out of your lab in 8 days, teach my classes for a week and then tell me that your field is more important than mine. Humanities teach people life skills, how to appreciate other cultures, and the importance of being humble. We are just as important as you!
3. The older the professor, the wiser he is. WRONG. Sometimes this may be true, but sometimes it's just not. First of all, Professoressa Jessica is pretty darn wise for a hot young thang. Second, wisdom doesn't come from years, and if you think it does, you're already lacking some of your own.
4. Publish or perish. No. Just, no. Doesn't the American education system value well roundedness? Isn't that why we encourage (read require) students to take general ed classes that expose them to all sorts of different fields? Then why would you push my to focus on nothing but research and publishing when there are influenceable young minds to shape? How about let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours. Ok, thanks.
5. Academic bureaucracy is unavoidable. No it's not, people just don't communicate. I promise if you told me why you made that ridiculous decision I might be more inclined to see things from your point of view. Or if you explained why I need to fill out the same form 8 times even though I've already done it online, I might be more amenable. I'm not inflexible and neither are you, but use your words.
1. People who complete their PhD come out of school over educated and under socialized. Oh really? Follow me for week and then come tell me that I'm under socialized. This my friends, is called jealously, and it's frowned upon in most modern societies.
2. A math or science degree is worth more than a liberal arts or humanities degree. Ok Mr. science nerd that hasn't been out of your lab in 8 days, teach my classes for a week and then tell me that your field is more important than mine. Humanities teach people life skills, how to appreciate other cultures, and the importance of being humble. We are just as important as you!
3. The older the professor, the wiser he is. WRONG. Sometimes this may be true, but sometimes it's just not. First of all, Professoressa Jessica is pretty darn wise for a hot young thang. Second, wisdom doesn't come from years, and if you think it does, you're already lacking some of your own.
4. Publish or perish. No. Just, no. Doesn't the American education system value well roundedness? Isn't that why we encourage (read require) students to take general ed classes that expose them to all sorts of different fields? Then why would you push my to focus on nothing but research and publishing when there are influenceable young minds to shape? How about let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours. Ok, thanks.
5. Academic bureaucracy is unavoidable. No it's not, people just don't communicate. I promise if you told me why you made that ridiculous decision I might be more inclined to see things from your point of view. Or if you explained why I need to fill out the same form 8 times even though I've already done it online, I might be more amenable. I'm not inflexible and neither are you, but use your words.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
You've got some balls, my friend
It's now 7:52pm, and I'm on day 10, hour 5, 321 of grading midterm papers.....and someone just had to the balls to tell me I should just stop assigning homework. Listen friend, I would love to, but it turns out students these days are lazy, ungrateful, entitled little technology addicted complainers. Believe me, if I could count on the fact that students would study outside of class, read the appropriate texts, look into background information, and widen their own horizons, I would assign homework (this would be how graduate school works and why so many people fail out of it....or better yet, just never get in). But guess what? People are lazy.....which is why it has become the unpleasant task of the undergraduate instructor to ensure that students get the information and practice necessary to learn new things. It's not a fun job....do you think I like reading 60 of the same paper over and over and over full of errors that, by now, should not be made? Oh yes, it's the way I love to spend my weekend. Do you think I like spending hours on end writing review worksheets that are similar (but not too similar) and loosely mirror (but not coo closely) the exam structure? Let me help you: NO! It's a waste of my time if students can't be bothered to spend a few minutes a day to learn the gems that I provide. How do you think it feels to know that I spend EXPONENTIALLY more time on your homework than you do? How do think it feels to explain a concept 18 different ways, with 568 different examples, take questions for 4 days, get the thumbs up that "yes, we understand" and then grade your paper which clearly shows that you were not paying attention when I was talking? Do you think I have nothing better to do than put together grammar exercises for you? Do you really think your texting during my class is going unnoticed? It's not.....I'm just tired of telling you to put your phone away and I'm deducting it from your participation grade. Do me a favor, if you're not interested in what I have to say, don't come to class. It just ticks me off to watch you sleep through a film that has single handedly shaped the cinematic world into what it is today. I'm sure your little girlfriend has many an important detail to share about her drunken debauchery last night.....but if you whip out that piece of crap flip phone one more time I swear to Dio I'll take it from you and drop it from my non-existent office window.
So.....in case I haven't made myself clear, I'd love to not have to assign homework. I'd love it if you talked in class when I ask you to, if you'd write on the board when I ask for volunteers, if you'd take some initiative and do a little background reading on your own. I'm sure you don't realize this, but I could teach you SO MUCH MORE if you'd take a little responsibility for your own education. But alas, you don't. Why would you? You've been babied to the point that you think everything should be handed to you on a bedazzled platter.....so, I will continue to give you homework to try and help you learn good study habits. If you choose not to learn from them, not my fault......but don't you come crying to me when the real work rears its ugly head and BITES YOU IN THE A**!!!!
So.....in case I haven't made myself clear, I'd love to not have to assign homework. I'd love it if you talked in class when I ask you to, if you'd write on the board when I ask for volunteers, if you'd take some initiative and do a little background reading on your own. I'm sure you don't realize this, but I could teach you SO MUCH MORE if you'd take a little responsibility for your own education. But alas, you don't. Why would you? You've been babied to the point that you think everything should be handed to you on a bedazzled platter.....so, I will continue to give you homework to try and help you learn good study habits. If you choose not to learn from them, not my fault......but don't you come crying to me when the real work rears its ugly head and BITES YOU IN THE A**!!!!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Contrary to popular belief
Ladies and gentlemen, natural selection is in effect. Contrary to popular belief, not all of you will survive....some of you will have to be eliminated. Yes, it's a sad sad fact, but it's all masked behind your behavior. Here are a few tips to help you survive and have your name live on.
1. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is smart. In fact, most people are just plain dumb. So....you're going to have to put a little effort into life. Coasting through will just make sure that your killed off quickly. Want to survive? Don't be an idiot.
2. Wearing clothing that is too small for you, or constantly revealing unflattering areas, just tells the big man that you should be on the quick track to elimination. Contrary to popular belief, showing you belly button is not hot, it's tacky and kind of skanky. Please stop. A little mystery goes a long way.
3. Contrary to popular belief, rain does not allow you to drive like a freak show. It's just water, falling from the sky, it happens every day, all the time, all over the world, and people cope. If you can't, you should remove yourself from the possibility of driving like an freak.
4. Contrary to popular belief, talking loudly does not make me listen to you. In fact, it makes me hate you for interrupting my inner running dialogue. If I wanted to pay attention to you I would. If I'm not, go away.
5. You are not the center of the universe. Yes, surely you are the center of your universe, but I don't live there and I really don't care that you think you're so important. You should also know that if you cannot open your eyes wide enough to look around you, you'll probably walk into a hyena den one night while you admire yourself in your little Cover Girl compact mirror. I will not save you if this happens.
6. The overly used, not funny at all, "That's what she said" joke will not make me laugh. In fact, it will make me seriously doubt your comic taste. I try to surround myself with funny people, not annoying ones who can't come up with their own new and exciting one-liners.
7. Full make up with false eye lashes and red lipstick for school is not cute.....it makes you look like you're just trying WAY WAY WAY too hard. If you have to try that hard for school, the rest of your life is going to be pretty much unbearable. Good luck with that.
Don't be a lemming folks. Most of the people you're following around blindly are idiots; take a good look at a person before you decide they can lead you somewhere. Rebel a little bit and may even try to think in your own....it's a big step, I know, but I believe in you.
1. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is smart. In fact, most people are just plain dumb. So....you're going to have to put a little effort into life. Coasting through will just make sure that your killed off quickly. Want to survive? Don't be an idiot.
2. Wearing clothing that is too small for you, or constantly revealing unflattering areas, just tells the big man that you should be on the quick track to elimination. Contrary to popular belief, showing you belly button is not hot, it's tacky and kind of skanky. Please stop. A little mystery goes a long way.
3. Contrary to popular belief, rain does not allow you to drive like a freak show. It's just water, falling from the sky, it happens every day, all the time, all over the world, and people cope. If you can't, you should remove yourself from the possibility of driving like an freak.
4. Contrary to popular belief, talking loudly does not make me listen to you. In fact, it makes me hate you for interrupting my inner running dialogue. If I wanted to pay attention to you I would. If I'm not, go away.
5. You are not the center of the universe. Yes, surely you are the center of your universe, but I don't live there and I really don't care that you think you're so important. You should also know that if you cannot open your eyes wide enough to look around you, you'll probably walk into a hyena den one night while you admire yourself in your little Cover Girl compact mirror. I will not save you if this happens.
6. The overly used, not funny at all, "That's what she said" joke will not make me laugh. In fact, it will make me seriously doubt your comic taste. I try to surround myself with funny people, not annoying ones who can't come up with their own new and exciting one-liners.
7. Full make up with false eye lashes and red lipstick for school is not cute.....it makes you look like you're just trying WAY WAY WAY too hard. If you have to try that hard for school, the rest of your life is going to be pretty much unbearable. Good luck with that.
Don't be a lemming folks. Most of the people you're following around blindly are idiots; take a good look at a person before you decide they can lead you somewhere. Rebel a little bit and may even try to think in your own....it's a big step, I know, but I believe in you.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Some of my not-so-good role models
Every time I compete in a pageant, one of the hot item questions is about a role model. Well, I have to admit, I have a lot more not-so-good role models than good ones. I think when we reach a certain age, you have to start looking for people to teach you to be sassy and witty. Lucky for me, my mom is one of those people. There are also some others and you might be surprised to find out who they are.
1. Zen mama - That would be my mom. Sometimes my mom is frustratingly calm. This I don't always love....it's easier to be hoppin' mad when others are as well. Other times, my mom has Jessica moments (extremely rare but comfortingly hilarious when they happen) that make me feel so much more normal than I usually do.
2. Chelsea Lately - if you don't like her, I'm not sure if we can be friends. I pretty much want to be her when I grow up. Have you ever watched her show? It definitely depends on who's on the roundtable (my favs are Josh Wolf, Lonnie Love, and Joe Koy - if these three are ever on together it's comedy gold!) but it's pretty much laugh out loud funny every night.
3. Kelly Ripa - I don't know why everyone hates her. I love her. She's funny, quick, and she's a great mom. Plus she ran off and eloped to Las Vegas and is still in love and married which I think is pretty impressive after 3 kids.
4. Kathy Griffin - Yes, she has been kicked off of every network and every talk show but who else will teach you how to harass people while still smiling and feeding your mother her daily box of wine?
5. Stalker Sean - No, he has no filter, no sense of censorship, and no idea just how inappropriate he is....but he does it anyway. I guess if you're going to do something, own it, right?
I encourage everyone to pick at least one completely inappropriate role model and shape some aspect of your life in their image. It's fun....no one wants to be good all the time. You'll never have any friends that way.
1. Zen mama - That would be my mom. Sometimes my mom is frustratingly calm. This I don't always love....it's easier to be hoppin' mad when others are as well. Other times, my mom has Jessica moments (extremely rare but comfortingly hilarious when they happen) that make me feel so much more normal than I usually do.
2. Chelsea Lately - if you don't like her, I'm not sure if we can be friends. I pretty much want to be her when I grow up. Have you ever watched her show? It definitely depends on who's on the roundtable (my favs are Josh Wolf, Lonnie Love, and Joe Koy - if these three are ever on together it's comedy gold!) but it's pretty much laugh out loud funny every night.
3. Kelly Ripa - I don't know why everyone hates her. I love her. She's funny, quick, and she's a great mom. Plus she ran off and eloped to Las Vegas and is still in love and married which I think is pretty impressive after 3 kids.
4. Kathy Griffin - Yes, she has been kicked off of every network and every talk show but who else will teach you how to harass people while still smiling and feeding your mother her daily box of wine?
5. Stalker Sean - No, he has no filter, no sense of censorship, and no idea just how inappropriate he is....but he does it anyway. I guess if you're going to do something, own it, right?
I encourage everyone to pick at least one completely inappropriate role model and shape some aspect of your life in their image. It's fun....no one wants to be good all the time. You'll never have any friends that way.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
5 reasons I should be in charge of the world
There seems to be some confusion lately about common sense....or perhaps commons sense has become one of these traits that is not being passed on in some of the more stupid people as a way of natural selection? Either way, today I am confident that I could run the world much better than whoever is doing it. Here are 5 reasons why:
1. I understand that when there are 2 unlocked doors and many people trying to enter and exit through them....wait for it....almost there....you should open.....here it comes....BOTH DOORS!
2. I am one of few people that understand that if we drive on the right side of the street, we should also walk on the right side of the stairway.....this helps with traffic flow and reduces the amount of idiots falling down the middle of the stairs because there was no railing to hold on to.
3. Saying you can do something does not mean you can. Telling me you're competent and then showing me that you clearly are not does not make me have ANY faith in you. In fact, I will no longer call on you for help in the future.
4. I don't have box vision. Box vision is similar to tunnel vision, but tunnel vision implies that you can see in front of you and not to the sides. Box visionaries can not see in front, to the side, or behind them. In fact, they might as well just shut their eyes, go to sleep, and leave the real work to those who can handle it.
5. I don't preach on what I don't know. I don't know anything about fiscal conservativism so guess what? I don't preach about it. Talking out of your butt just makes your breath stink and makes no one want to listen to you. Me most of all.
So, ladies and gentlemen, vote Jessica for queen of the world. You can purchase a button for $1 directly from me.
1. I understand that when there are 2 unlocked doors and many people trying to enter and exit through them....wait for it....almost there....you should open.....here it comes....BOTH DOORS!
2. I am one of few people that understand that if we drive on the right side of the street, we should also walk on the right side of the stairway.....this helps with traffic flow and reduces the amount of idiots falling down the middle of the stairs because there was no railing to hold on to.
3. Saying you can do something does not mean you can. Telling me you're competent and then showing me that you clearly are not does not make me have ANY faith in you. In fact, I will no longer call on you for help in the future.
4. I don't have box vision. Box vision is similar to tunnel vision, but tunnel vision implies that you can see in front of you and not to the sides. Box visionaries can not see in front, to the side, or behind them. In fact, they might as well just shut their eyes, go to sleep, and leave the real work to those who can handle it.
5. I don't preach on what I don't know. I don't know anything about fiscal conservativism so guess what? I don't preach about it. Talking out of your butt just makes your breath stink and makes no one want to listen to you. Me most of all.
So, ladies and gentlemen, vote Jessica for queen of the world. You can purchase a button for $1 directly from me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
5 things that should never be (but are) found in the Language Building.
1. The red gummy bear stuck to the ceiling that has been there since I started working over a year ago.
2. Four microwaves in the faculty lounge - 2 don't work, 1 sometimes works but blows the fuse on the fridge and the 4th works but doesn't actually get anything hot.
3. A dust bunny bigger than my head that has apparently been living under my desk since 5 teachers ago.
4. Ugly shoes.
5. A box of eclipse candies.....that have been living in the Italian office since I went to see the movie over a year ago.
2. Four microwaves in the faculty lounge - 2 don't work, 1 sometimes works but blows the fuse on the fridge and the 4th works but doesn't actually get anything hot.
3. A dust bunny bigger than my head that has apparently been living under my desk since 5 teachers ago.
4. Ugly shoes.
5. A box of eclipse candies.....that have been living in the Italian office since I went to see the movie over a year ago.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Top 10 teacher superpowers
It's true, teachers are superheroes, and most of them should be recognized as such. And yes, we do have superhero names and a secret handshake and we all meet once a year in a super secret location to figure out the following year's super secret password. In case you're curious, here are the top 10 teacher superpowers according to Jessica.
1. Infinite patience in response the question: "And what exactly is a verb again?"
2. Ability seek out the one pair of glazed over eyes in a sea of 70 eye balls and get those eyes back in the game.
3. Infinite resiliency. How many days do we go home thinking: "There's no clearer way I could have explained that and they still just don't get it." Yet, we come back the next day, rethink the lesson, and run at it like our butt is on fire.
4. Multi-tasking. Today I checked the exchange rate for the euro, figured out several different flight options for Spring Break to Italy, retaught (for the milionth time) definite articles, graded 14 worksheets, and sang a song all at the same time. No, that's not weird. It's my life.
5. Ability to extract at least one interesting tidbit from each and every one of our 120 students that we retain in our super secret safe and whip it out at the most unexpected times. How else are we supposed to keep you interested?
6. Unbounded creativity. Can you make disjunctive pronouns funny, interesting, and memorable? I can.
7. Complete disinhibition when it comes to classroom behavior. When other time would I sing, dance, and tell ridiculous stories from my own life? If it will make you remember how to form the present perfect correctly, bring it on.
8. Infinite ability to remember faces. If you've ever had me as a teacher, I will always remember you. I may not remember your real name but I will remember your Italian name and probably some ridiculous fact about your life.
9. Magical powers to add hours to the day. Have you ever had to grade 27 five page papers, write three lesson plans, study for your doctoral exams, and coach a swim team in the same day? Been there, done that, wrote the book on doing it in style.
10. Forgiveness. If you were me, you would not forgive the excuses I hear for why students don't turn in their homework. (Gem of the week: I thought lunedì meant Wednesday. Liar! I've taught you Italian for two years now, there's no possible way you didn't know lunedì means Monday.) But, I forgive you and we move on. Tomorrow we shall dance again.
Not everyone can be a superhero, but teachers are certainly among the most respectable. So, dear students, please take a moment to thank your teacher, and give them a break once and a while. Remember you are one (and a very important one), but only one of the nearly 245 students we deal with every year. You are special, but you cannot dominate our time.
1. Infinite patience in response the question: "And what exactly is a verb again?"
2. Ability seek out the one pair of glazed over eyes in a sea of 70 eye balls and get those eyes back in the game.
3. Infinite resiliency. How many days do we go home thinking: "There's no clearer way I could have explained that and they still just don't get it." Yet, we come back the next day, rethink the lesson, and run at it like our butt is on fire.
4. Multi-tasking. Today I checked the exchange rate for the euro, figured out several different flight options for Spring Break to Italy, retaught (for the milionth time) definite articles, graded 14 worksheets, and sang a song all at the same time. No, that's not weird. It's my life.
5. Ability to extract at least one interesting tidbit from each and every one of our 120 students that we retain in our super secret safe and whip it out at the most unexpected times. How else are we supposed to keep you interested?
6. Unbounded creativity. Can you make disjunctive pronouns funny, interesting, and memorable? I can.
7. Complete disinhibition when it comes to classroom behavior. When other time would I sing, dance, and tell ridiculous stories from my own life? If it will make you remember how to form the present perfect correctly, bring it on.
8. Infinite ability to remember faces. If you've ever had me as a teacher, I will always remember you. I may not remember your real name but I will remember your Italian name and probably some ridiculous fact about your life.
9. Magical powers to add hours to the day. Have you ever had to grade 27 five page papers, write three lesson plans, study for your doctoral exams, and coach a swim team in the same day? Been there, done that, wrote the book on doing it in style.
10. Forgiveness. If you were me, you would not forgive the excuses I hear for why students don't turn in their homework. (Gem of the week: I thought lunedì meant Wednesday. Liar! I've taught you Italian for two years now, there's no possible way you didn't know lunedì means Monday.) But, I forgive you and we move on. Tomorrow we shall dance again.
Not everyone can be a superhero, but teachers are certainly among the most respectable. So, dear students, please take a moment to thank your teacher, and give them a break once and a while. Remember you are one (and a very important one), but only one of the nearly 245 students we deal with every year. You are special, but you cannot dominate our time.
Monday, October 11, 2010
5 tips to survive your midterms
Everyone wants a midterm survival guide and believe it or not, there's no secret. It's all time management skills folks. (P.S. so is life.) But, if you are struggling, here are 5 tips to help you out:
1. DO NOT wait until Wednesday at 10pm to start writing your 5 page paper in Italian. You will not finish it. And if you do, it won't be very good. Start early, finish early. You'll be amazed at how many errors you made when you revisit a paper.
2. DO NOT email your professor at 2am expecting to get an answer before your 8am midterm the following day. They will not get that email until 7am the next morning and will probably not answer it. Even if they do, you'll probably be running late and not have time to check your email before the exam. If it were me, I'd just laugh and delete it. Mean? Yes. But there's no magic answer you're going to get from me 60 minutes before a test that is going to seriously influence your grade. You're either ready or you're not.....my email will not change that.
3. When professors ask you for a list of sources or a topic or an outline ahead of time, spend some time thinking about that topic. If you follow their timeline, you'll have plenty of time to get everything done. Professors set deadlines that seem "early" to help you develop your time management skills. We can tell you a thousand times to start your paper early but you won't. So, we just make you do it.....stick with us folks, we sort of know what we're doing.
4. All nighters do not equal good grades. Perhaps you are pulling that all nighter to study for biology....or perhaps you slept through the lecture on sleep, but staying up all night isn't healthy and you really just can't retain good information at 4am. You'd be much better off studying efficiently and sleeping than staying up and trying to cram the information of 25 lectures into you head. It's called cramming for a reason, you only retain it for about an hour and then it's gone. If you're cramming for a class you need for your major, you seriously need to reevaluate your major.
5. We're on your side. There are always extenuating circumstances and learning disabilities and emergencies. If you talk to us early we're MUCH more likely to make some kind of alternate arrangement with you. If you wait until the day your 15 page paper is due to tell me that you broke your index fingers on both hands ten days ago......I'm going to tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope you've learned to type with your other 8. If you'd come talk to me ten days ago, maybe we could have made some agreement that would have worked for both parties.
So, the secret is time management. Act early. You should feel good about visiting your professors' offices.....I sit in min pretty much all day every day. I love interruptions! Hence why my door is literally always open. Come visit me and tell me your story and I will either give you a pep talk (which is usually all you need) or we'll work together to get to some arrangement. If you're reading this and you haven't finished your paper for tomorrow, shame on you.
1. DO NOT wait until Wednesday at 10pm to start writing your 5 page paper in Italian. You will not finish it. And if you do, it won't be very good. Start early, finish early. You'll be amazed at how many errors you made when you revisit a paper.
2. DO NOT email your professor at 2am expecting to get an answer before your 8am midterm the following day. They will not get that email until 7am the next morning and will probably not answer it. Even if they do, you'll probably be running late and not have time to check your email before the exam. If it were me, I'd just laugh and delete it. Mean? Yes. But there's no magic answer you're going to get from me 60 minutes before a test that is going to seriously influence your grade. You're either ready or you're not.....my email will not change that.
3. When professors ask you for a list of sources or a topic or an outline ahead of time, spend some time thinking about that topic. If you follow their timeline, you'll have plenty of time to get everything done. Professors set deadlines that seem "early" to help you develop your time management skills. We can tell you a thousand times to start your paper early but you won't. So, we just make you do it.....stick with us folks, we sort of know what we're doing.
4. All nighters do not equal good grades. Perhaps you are pulling that all nighter to study for biology....or perhaps you slept through the lecture on sleep, but staying up all night isn't healthy and you really just can't retain good information at 4am. You'd be much better off studying efficiently and sleeping than staying up and trying to cram the information of 25 lectures into you head. It's called cramming for a reason, you only retain it for about an hour and then it's gone. If you're cramming for a class you need for your major, you seriously need to reevaluate your major.
5. We're on your side. There are always extenuating circumstances and learning disabilities and emergencies. If you talk to us early we're MUCH more likely to make some kind of alternate arrangement with you. If you wait until the day your 15 page paper is due to tell me that you broke your index fingers on both hands ten days ago......I'm going to tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope you've learned to type with your other 8. If you'd come talk to me ten days ago, maybe we could have made some agreement that would have worked for both parties.
So, the secret is time management. Act early. You should feel good about visiting your professors' offices.....I sit in min pretty much all day every day. I love interruptions! Hence why my door is literally always open. Come visit me and tell me your story and I will either give you a pep talk (which is usually all you need) or we'll work together to get to some arrangement. If you're reading this and you haven't finished your paper for tomorrow, shame on you.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I know you're busy, but so am I and I don't complain to you about it so get over yourself!
We're headed towards midterms and it's that time of year when students feel the need to complain to their teachers about how busy they are. WE KNOW! We've already finished school (and a whole lot more than you by the way) and we've already been through that. The whole point of midterms is that they happen at the mid point of the semester. Surprise! That's the same time for every class! So are finals. Do you think that life makes a list of everything you have going on and kindly schedules your midlife crisis around your child's birthday and your car breaking down. Of course not! This is training for real life. If you can't handle midterms, you're going to have a very challenging life!
Here are a few things to remember:
1. We know you're busy. Believe it or not, all of your teachers have been through college, and graduate school, written a dissertation, and many of them have families as well. We don't complain to you, please don't complain to us. You signed up for school, so own it!
2. Our to do lists are, and always will be, WAY longer than yours. I'm looking at my Sunday afternoon to do list and it has 28 items listed on it. I must, no exceptions, complete all of those things today. I also have a weekly to do list that includes another 50 or 60 items that have to fit into my "free time" this week.
3. I'm in school too! I have already completed 4 years of college, 5 years of graduate school, and I'm currently finishing my dissertation WHILE teaching full time. Your sob story of having to write a 5 page paper for me over the next four days does not stir me. Try writing a book while working 70 hours a week.
4. Grading takes half as long as writing. If it takes you two hours to write a composition, it will take me about an hour to grade it. Multiply that by my 120 students and then come cry to me about your busy busy schedule.
5. I write the tests....of course I know how hard they are! Perhaps you're unaware, but test writing is an art. How many communicative activities can you come up with that test direct and indirect object pronouns without putting too much emphasis on other skills? I've been teaching for 7 years now, so that means I've written at least 28 different activities on this one particular grammar element. Take a guess on how many hours of my life have been spent on test writing.
So, my dear students, get over yourselves. Telling us you're busy does not accomplish anything. We are too. Furthermore, telling me that you have "literally only six hours" over the next seven days to write your paper does nothing but tell me you have poor time management skills. I too went to college. I also was a NCAA Division I athlete in college who practiced an average of 6-7 hours a day. Furthermore, I traveled A LOT for swim meets and had to work around those crazy schedules to get my work done. I also had a job and volunteered in the community. Yes, I know what it means to be busy, and I feel for you, but please don't waste my time telling me how your life is so much more busy than mine. It's annoying.
Here are a few things to remember:
1. We know you're busy. Believe it or not, all of your teachers have been through college, and graduate school, written a dissertation, and many of them have families as well. We don't complain to you, please don't complain to us. You signed up for school, so own it!
2. Our to do lists are, and always will be, WAY longer than yours. I'm looking at my Sunday afternoon to do list and it has 28 items listed on it. I must, no exceptions, complete all of those things today. I also have a weekly to do list that includes another 50 or 60 items that have to fit into my "free time" this week.
3. I'm in school too! I have already completed 4 years of college, 5 years of graduate school, and I'm currently finishing my dissertation WHILE teaching full time. Your sob story of having to write a 5 page paper for me over the next four days does not stir me. Try writing a book while working 70 hours a week.
4. Grading takes half as long as writing. If it takes you two hours to write a composition, it will take me about an hour to grade it. Multiply that by my 120 students and then come cry to me about your busy busy schedule.
5. I write the tests....of course I know how hard they are! Perhaps you're unaware, but test writing is an art. How many communicative activities can you come up with that test direct and indirect object pronouns without putting too much emphasis on other skills? I've been teaching for 7 years now, so that means I've written at least 28 different activities on this one particular grammar element. Take a guess on how many hours of my life have been spent on test writing.
So, my dear students, get over yourselves. Telling us you're busy does not accomplish anything. We are too. Furthermore, telling me that you have "literally only six hours" over the next seven days to write your paper does nothing but tell me you have poor time management skills. I too went to college. I also was a NCAA Division I athlete in college who practiced an average of 6-7 hours a day. Furthermore, I traveled A LOT for swim meets and had to work around those crazy schedules to get my work done. I also had a job and volunteered in the community. Yes, I know what it means to be busy, and I feel for you, but please don't waste my time telling me how your life is so much more busy than mine. It's annoying.
Friday, October 8, 2010
A note on appropriate classroom attire
Apparently there's a misconception among today's college students that they do not have to dress appropriately to come to school. Let me set a few guidelines. It may or may not (read may) be a good idea to follow these guidelines in the future.
Do not come to school in your pajamas. All that does is tell me that you have zero time management skills. Are you unable to set an alarm clock? Or do you just not care than you're coming to school in clothes that are filled with dead skin cells from last night. Furthermore, you're probably a wrinkled mess.....and that's a lot coming from me who doesn't believe in ironing. But really, people, come on!
Do not come to school in shorts so short that I can actually see the crease where your butt and your upper thigh meet. Just because they sell slutty clothes does not mean you should buy them. If you do feel the need to buy them, save them for the discoteca folks. School is for learning in PG clothing.
Do not wear shoes in which you cannot walk. Sure, we all have shoes that seem fine until you walk out of the house. But then you retire those shoes to the rack that you only wear to seated events. Why would you repeatedly wear shoes that make you walk like you have a clubbed foot?
Do not wear see through clothing. It makes me think that you cannot afford to pay for school and so you work at the local strip joint and your boss wouldn't let you off in time to go home and change. I'm not judging, but my mind wanders.
Do not wear three different plaids. If you think they go together, I seriously doubt your ability to match subjects, verbs, and adjectives since you clearly cannot tell what goes and what doesn't.
Do not wear your nasty sweaty gym clothes. Sometimes you can't smell yourself when you stink, but I CAN!
Do not wear that shirt that you cut the sleeves off of. If your muscles are good enough to show off, they'll look good without tattering up your clothing.
Do not wear a dress so short that you cannot sit down. Perhaps you're not familiar with modern American schooling methods, but we generally provide desks and chairs and we encourage you to sit in them while we offer you knowledge and wisdom. If you are too worried about your little thong hanging out, you're probably not listening to the knowledge I'm trying to offer you.
I realize that there are many designers out there that will try and convince you that tutus, tennis shoes, and tattered tshirts are high fashion. They are lying. Don't get sucked into all that crap. Dress appropriately and then I won't have to worry about the fact that you cannot manage to dress yourself, so how will you ever learn Italian. Many thanks.
Do not come to school in your pajamas. All that does is tell me that you have zero time management skills. Are you unable to set an alarm clock? Or do you just not care than you're coming to school in clothes that are filled with dead skin cells from last night. Furthermore, you're probably a wrinkled mess.....and that's a lot coming from me who doesn't believe in ironing. But really, people, come on!
Do not come to school in shorts so short that I can actually see the crease where your butt and your upper thigh meet. Just because they sell slutty clothes does not mean you should buy them. If you do feel the need to buy them, save them for the discoteca folks. School is for learning in PG clothing.
Do not wear shoes in which you cannot walk. Sure, we all have shoes that seem fine until you walk out of the house. But then you retire those shoes to the rack that you only wear to seated events. Why would you repeatedly wear shoes that make you walk like you have a clubbed foot?
Do not wear see through clothing. It makes me think that you cannot afford to pay for school and so you work at the local strip joint and your boss wouldn't let you off in time to go home and change. I'm not judging, but my mind wanders.
Do not wear three different plaids. If you think they go together, I seriously doubt your ability to match subjects, verbs, and adjectives since you clearly cannot tell what goes and what doesn't.
Do not wear your nasty sweaty gym clothes. Sometimes you can't smell yourself when you stink, but I CAN!
Do not wear that shirt that you cut the sleeves off of. If your muscles are good enough to show off, they'll look good without tattering up your clothing.
Do not wear a dress so short that you cannot sit down. Perhaps you're not familiar with modern American schooling methods, but we generally provide desks and chairs and we encourage you to sit in them while we offer you knowledge and wisdom. If you are too worried about your little thong hanging out, you're probably not listening to the knowledge I'm trying to offer you.
I realize that there are many designers out there that will try and convince you that tutus, tennis shoes, and tattered tshirts are high fashion. They are lying. Don't get sucked into all that crap. Dress appropriately and then I won't have to worry about the fact that you cannot manage to dress yourself, so how will you ever learn Italian. Many thanks.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
You know you're a teacher if.....
1. Your desk is a rainbow of Post-It notes so deep you can't even see the bottom layer.
2. You receive more than 50 emails a day.....most of which are asking about the homework for today's class.
3. Your students follow you around and visit even when it's not your office hours.
4. You have red pens stashed in every pocket of every purse you own.
5. You stock up on white board markers and colored chalk when it's on sale at Staples.
6. You carry around scratch paper and diagram sentences for people at dinner parties.
7. You respond to the following without being frustrated or annoyed: "Uh......Professoressa......I don't know what's going on right now."
8. You often wear black clothing and discover a white line across your butt because you leaned against the chalkboard in first period and didn't realize it until now (7pm).
9. You don't know how people live without knowing what Worldcat.org is.
10. You actually want people to interrupt with questions when you talk.
Ahh yes, the joys of being a teacher. Life settles into something pretty deranged sometimes. I now hoard white board markers and have developed a pretty complex Post-It notes system. I also have piles which make no sense to anyone and constantly have at least 86 new emails in my inbox. The business cards I carry around in my wallet are all publishing reps and my volunteer work has morphed into critiquing new textbooks. I often talk slowly and in mono-syllables.....and act out just about everything that comes out of my mouth. I have an arsenal of choreographed dances not to songs, but to lists of pronouns, and I'm a little bit ashamed to say it, but I have a teacher sweater on the back of my desk chair. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
2. You receive more than 50 emails a day.....most of which are asking about the homework for today's class.
3. Your students follow you around and visit even when it's not your office hours.
4. You have red pens stashed in every pocket of every purse you own.
5. You stock up on white board markers and colored chalk when it's on sale at Staples.
6. You carry around scratch paper and diagram sentences for people at dinner parties.
7. You respond to the following without being frustrated or annoyed: "Uh......Professoressa......I don't know what's going on right now."
8. You often wear black clothing and discover a white line across your butt because you leaned against the chalkboard in first period and didn't realize it until now (7pm).
9. You don't know how people live without knowing what Worldcat.org is.
10. You actually want people to interrupt with questions when you talk.
Ahh yes, the joys of being a teacher. Life settles into something pretty deranged sometimes. I now hoard white board markers and have developed a pretty complex Post-It notes system. I also have piles which make no sense to anyone and constantly have at least 86 new emails in my inbox. The business cards I carry around in my wallet are all publishing reps and my volunteer work has morphed into critiquing new textbooks. I often talk slowly and in mono-syllables.....and act out just about everything that comes out of my mouth. I have an arsenal of choreographed dances not to songs, but to lists of pronouns, and I'm a little bit ashamed to say it, but I have a teacher sweater on the back of my desk chair. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Yes, my students are better than yours. And no, I'm not ashamed to say it.
Monday's are always my hardest teaching days because usually people have a really hard time waking up and remembering they're at school at not at home on the couch. So, today I got a lot of blank stares (the Monday stares, as I call them), but after only 2 reminders that we're at school and it's time to engage, people pretty much woke up.
Mondays I teach three classes of two different levels. The first two are the same level, back to back sections. It's funny because the first class is mostly girls and they are hilarious....somehow everything always relates back to travel in Italy, not acting like an idiot, and the traffic on 35. The second class is more boys than girls and they somehow were talking about a kid who impaled himself on a pole running away from a pitbull and fried beer. Oh, and the crazies in Dallas who accost you until you buy "their" CD which turns out to be Ludacris's latest album. Whoever says classes don't have personalities is a liar.
And then there are my babies.....my little 1020s. I'm always a little worried I'm going to lose them.....they are usually just this side of a total breakdown but we do a good job of keeping eyes dry and the hyperventilation to a minimum. And some days, like today, you just cannot accomplish anything. Each class has their day when they need a day off and it was today. It was clear from the moment I walked in there would be no Italian today.....instead it was a venting session. What they hated, what they liked....about me, Italian, and life in general. And student W who usually looks like he's trying to make my face melt off when he looks at me smiled and said today was the best day he'd had in a long time.
So yes, my students are better than yours. They are cuter, funnier, and pretty much just better all the way around! You should be jealous, and you can't have them. They're mine! All mine. Today they tried to tell me I couldn't wear heels to the Texas State Fair. We'll see about that. Have they ever seen me in anything but? Last summer someone told me I couldn't climb a mountain in sandals and I did just fine, so we shall see. Do your students try to protect your footwear? I doubt it. Do you students keep you updated on all the gossip in the dining halls? I think not. Do you have a running tab of who's dating who in the dorms. No. But I do. It's ok to be jealous.
Furthermore, people who take Italian are extra special. It's the people who decided to take a new language, work a little harder and not rely on what they learned in high school, so you already know they'll be pretty special. Add that to the fact that I see them pretty much everyday and that we travel in packs around DFW to the opera and to restaurants and stuff, yes, we end up like a creepy crazy little Italian family. Tomorrow is our first Italian Club meeting of the year and I can guarantee that someone will laugh so hard they snort, someone else will throw some wicked insult and spend the next two weeks trying to apologize and get out of the doghouse (when the person insulted is really just milking the whole situation and was never really offended in the first place) and finally, there will be a love match that begins tomorrow. Oh yes, Italian is its own soap opera.
Mondays I teach three classes of two different levels. The first two are the same level, back to back sections. It's funny because the first class is mostly girls and they are hilarious....somehow everything always relates back to travel in Italy, not acting like an idiot, and the traffic on 35. The second class is more boys than girls and they somehow were talking about a kid who impaled himself on a pole running away from a pitbull and fried beer. Oh, and the crazies in Dallas who accost you until you buy "their" CD which turns out to be Ludacris's latest album. Whoever says classes don't have personalities is a liar.
And then there are my babies.....my little 1020s. I'm always a little worried I'm going to lose them.....they are usually just this side of a total breakdown but we do a good job of keeping eyes dry and the hyperventilation to a minimum. And some days, like today, you just cannot accomplish anything. Each class has their day when they need a day off and it was today. It was clear from the moment I walked in there would be no Italian today.....instead it was a venting session. What they hated, what they liked....about me, Italian, and life in general. And student W who usually looks like he's trying to make my face melt off when he looks at me smiled and said today was the best day he'd had in a long time.
So yes, my students are better than yours. They are cuter, funnier, and pretty much just better all the way around! You should be jealous, and you can't have them. They're mine! All mine. Today they tried to tell me I couldn't wear heels to the Texas State Fair. We'll see about that. Have they ever seen me in anything but? Last summer someone told me I couldn't climb a mountain in sandals and I did just fine, so we shall see. Do your students try to protect your footwear? I doubt it. Do you students keep you updated on all the gossip in the dining halls? I think not. Do you have a running tab of who's dating who in the dorms. No. But I do. It's ok to be jealous.
Furthermore, people who take Italian are extra special. It's the people who decided to take a new language, work a little harder and not rely on what they learned in high school, so you already know they'll be pretty special. Add that to the fact that I see them pretty much everyday and that we travel in packs around DFW to the opera and to restaurants and stuff, yes, we end up like a creepy crazy little Italian family. Tomorrow is our first Italian Club meeting of the year and I can guarantee that someone will laugh so hard they snort, someone else will throw some wicked insult and spend the next two weeks trying to apologize and get out of the doghouse (when the person insulted is really just milking the whole situation and was never really offended in the first place) and finally, there will be a love match that begins tomorrow. Oh yes, Italian is its own soap opera.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Top 5 awkward exchanges with students
Yes, these have all happened.....I only speak the truth. If you every find yourself as a student, be sure to avoid these situations!
ONE
Student: Why is your office so hot?
Me: It's not.
Student: It must be seeing you that makes me so hot.
TWO:
Student: Feel my butt! It's hot!
Me: No thank you.
THREE:
Student: Remember when you told us we should have a soundtrack to our lives?
Me: Yes.
Student: Your should be "Unbelievable."
Me: ....thanks.
FOUR:
Student: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Student: And lips.
FIVE:
Student: I mean, who wears grey pants?!
Me: I'm wearing grey pants.
Student: Ya....but you make them look so good.
ONE
Student: Why is your office so hot?
Me: It's not.
Student: It must be seeing you that makes me so hot.
TWO:
Student: Feel my butt! It's hot!
Me: No thank you.
THREE:
Student: Remember when you told us we should have a soundtrack to our lives?
Me: Yes.
Student: Your should be "Unbelievable."
Me: ....thanks.
FOUR:
Student: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Student: And lips.
FIVE:
Student: I mean, who wears grey pants?!
Me: I'm wearing grey pants.
Student: Ya....but you make them look so good.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Top 10 Tips for surviving Professoressa Jessica's classes.
Top 10 tips for surviving:
1. Do not skip my class. I will hunt you down and ask you repeatedly why you're not gracing me with your presence.
2. Do not refuse to print the syllabus, never check blackboard, never listen in class, and then approach me to ask when the next quiz is. If you only did one of the afore-mentioned activities you would know!
3. Do not refuse to buy the book, never turn in homework, rarely attend class, and then ask me why your participation grade is so low.
4. Do not text in class.
5. Do not sleep through my oh so interesting lessons......life skills, this is what I have to impart to you. Knowledge and life skills.
6. Show up for the tests.
7. Smile - if I think you're trying to kill me with silent daggers shooting out of your eyes, I will call on you repeatedly and try to make you laugh. It can be pretty awkward.
8. Ask questions. If you don't know what's going on, chances are other people don't either. Be the hero. Ask the question.
9. Remember that I cannot dance but will if you ask me to.
10. Never bash the Real Housewives.
You are so very capable of all of these things. I promise you that my bark is harsher than my bite. All you have to do is show up, smile, and ask questions. ANYONE can do this if you try. I promise I can make you laugh, and yes, I will perform some kid of whack job choreographed dance at some point during the semester.....it's kind of my trademark. If you are afraid to meet my eyes, stare at my shoes, they're always pretty interesting. These, my friends, are the secrets to surviving my class. Welcome to the club, handshake to be taught at the next meeting.
1. Do not skip my class. I will hunt you down and ask you repeatedly why you're not gracing me with your presence.
2. Do not refuse to print the syllabus, never check blackboard, never listen in class, and then approach me to ask when the next quiz is. If you only did one of the afore-mentioned activities you would know!
3. Do not refuse to buy the book, never turn in homework, rarely attend class, and then ask me why your participation grade is so low.
4. Do not text in class.
5. Do not sleep through my oh so interesting lessons......life skills, this is what I have to impart to you. Knowledge and life skills.
6. Show up for the tests.
7. Smile - if I think you're trying to kill me with silent daggers shooting out of your eyes, I will call on you repeatedly and try to make you laugh. It can be pretty awkward.
8. Ask questions. If you don't know what's going on, chances are other people don't either. Be the hero. Ask the question.
9. Remember that I cannot dance but will if you ask me to.
10. Never bash the Real Housewives.
You are so very capable of all of these things. I promise you that my bark is harsher than my bite. All you have to do is show up, smile, and ask questions. ANYONE can do this if you try. I promise I can make you laugh, and yes, I will perform some kid of whack job choreographed dance at some point during the semester.....it's kind of my trademark. If you are afraid to meet my eyes, stare at my shoes, they're always pretty interesting. These, my friends, are the secrets to surviving my class. Welcome to the club, handshake to be taught at the next meeting.
Friday, October 1, 2010
I would totally survive the zombie apocalypse
Why? Life skills, people, life skills. Now, I will grant you the fact that I like triple platforms and animal print and bedazzled everything.....but at least I have common sense! I don't, nor have I ever needed, someone to hold my hand through normal daily activities. I have never asked my professor how I could be failing when I have missed 13 of 16 class meetings. I have never signed up for a class, opted not to attend it, and then had the guts to email the professor for the location and time of the final exam. I have never suggested to a professor that since I'm a senior, I'm really going to need to pass this class. Why? Common sense. This is the pictures of common sense:
Yes, it's true. Common sense is a spray tan, triple platforms, and a teal and zebra interview suit. I know, you're amazed, but when the apocalypse comes and it's survival of the fittest, stick with me folks! I can fend for myself, and probably for you to. Why? Because I have learned how to survive in the world. Believe it or not, that's what college is all about. If you can't handle that, not a big deal just DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.
Sometimes I'm just amazed that people are even alive. Like I'm not even sure they really remember to eat and bathe and sleep every day. I just don't know.....when did people become so dumb? I am definitely not the most brilliant person to roam the Earth, but I can certainly get myself up everyday, feed myself, and get myself to where I need to be on time and prepared for the events of the day. So, bring on the zombie attack.....and my dearest darling students, be advised: I'm preparing you for life (as well as the unlikely, yet still very possible impending zombie attack). Hints for the day: listen to what I say. Believe it or not, I'm trying to impart knowledge that will help you in life. Write it down. Record it. Take a photo of my chalkboard with your fancy phone. Whatever, just take note of what I say. If it were superfluous I promise I wouldn't bore you with it. If it were worthless, I wouldn't have a job. So get on board folks, one of these days it's going to be time to clean house and all the dummies are going to be sacrificed!
Yes, it's true. Common sense is a spray tan, triple platforms, and a teal and zebra interview suit. I know, you're amazed, but when the apocalypse comes and it's survival of the fittest, stick with me folks! I can fend for myself, and probably for you to. Why? Because I have learned how to survive in the world. Believe it or not, that's what college is all about. If you can't handle that, not a big deal just DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.
Sometimes I'm just amazed that people are even alive. Like I'm not even sure they really remember to eat and bathe and sleep every day. I just don't know.....when did people become so dumb? I am definitely not the most brilliant person to roam the Earth, but I can certainly get myself up everyday, feed myself, and get myself to where I need to be on time and prepared for the events of the day. So, bring on the zombie attack.....and my dearest darling students, be advised: I'm preparing you for life (as well as the unlikely, yet still very possible impending zombie attack). Hints for the day: listen to what I say. Believe it or not, I'm trying to impart knowledge that will help you in life. Write it down. Record it. Take a photo of my chalkboard with your fancy phone. Whatever, just take note of what I say. If it were superfluous I promise I wouldn't bore you with it. If it were worthless, I wouldn't have a job. So get on board folks, one of these days it's going to be time to clean house and all the dummies are going to be sacrificed!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Graduate school is bootcamp. Kick butt and take names!
Today my roommate and I went to a class at the gym called Bootcamp. We've been touring all of the different classes and ranking them. So far we like one of the cycle teachers and not the other, we hate Zumba and the girl that teaches it, and we are toying with the idea of Turbo Kickbox. Today, we tried out Bootcamp - and I loved it.
First of all, the teacher was great. Just energetic enough to not make we want to slap the blonde off her head and just friendly enough to keep my interest. Plus she wasn't barbie proportions - who wants to look at Little Miss Plastic for an hour? No one. So, we liked her. Plus she had great music. I know people have different tastes, but I have no interest in listening to 70s music set to dance beats. No, I want Euro Trash Techno turned up super loud. And that's what I got. It was pretty great. For a second, if I forgot that I was covered in sweat and about to fall over and die, I could have been in some little discoteca italiana.
So here's my thought for the day: graduate school is bootcamp....for academia. If anyone ever told you that academia was fun, they lied. If they told you everyone got along. They really lied. And if they told you it worked like a well oiled machine, they might as well have told you they were a purple triceratops with wings and a unicorn horn. THEY LIED. Academia is the most backwards, bureaucratic, old boys club that has ever been. And we all want to be part of it, so don't make too much fun of it. So yes, it sucks, and so does graduate school sometimes, so here's what you do: kick butt and take names. Don't burn bridges, you never know what journal that annoying guy over there edits or what department that loud talking, mouth breathing, bleach blondie over there heads up. It's all about who you know, and no matter what you study, the academic world is small and cut throat. Always smile, always send a thank you email and stay in touch with everyone you can. You never know who you'll need to call in a favor from to get a job, get a better job, get that article published, or edit that anthology. Only talk crap at home and with people who will never spill your secrets, and never do it in a public place - everyone loves to share secrets!
First of all, the teacher was great. Just energetic enough to not make we want to slap the blonde off her head and just friendly enough to keep my interest. Plus she wasn't barbie proportions - who wants to look at Little Miss Plastic for an hour? No one. So, we liked her. Plus she had great music. I know people have different tastes, but I have no interest in listening to 70s music set to dance beats. No, I want Euro Trash Techno turned up super loud. And that's what I got. It was pretty great. For a second, if I forgot that I was covered in sweat and about to fall over and die, I could have been in some little discoteca italiana.
So here's my thought for the day: graduate school is bootcamp....for academia. If anyone ever told you that academia was fun, they lied. If they told you everyone got along. They really lied. And if they told you it worked like a well oiled machine, they might as well have told you they were a purple triceratops with wings and a unicorn horn. THEY LIED. Academia is the most backwards, bureaucratic, old boys club that has ever been. And we all want to be part of it, so don't make too much fun of it. So yes, it sucks, and so does graduate school sometimes, so here's what you do: kick butt and take names. Don't burn bridges, you never know what journal that annoying guy over there edits or what department that loud talking, mouth breathing, bleach blondie over there heads up. It's all about who you know, and no matter what you study, the academic world is small and cut throat. Always smile, always send a thank you email and stay in touch with everyone you can. You never know who you'll need to call in a favor from to get a job, get a better job, get that article published, or edit that anthology. Only talk crap at home and with people who will never spill your secrets, and never do it in a public place - everyone loves to share secrets!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"You're supposed to feel inadequate. If you don't, you're not doing it right."
These words, spoken by the brilliant Chuck L. were what got me through my first year of graduate school. And unfortunately, they pretty much define every grad student's life I think. Or at least they should for the first year. Until you figure out the game, that is.
Yes, the game. Graduate school is a big unfair game. You have to figure out what to read, what to skip, who to trust, who to listen to, who to avoid, who to befriend, and what office person holds the power. Here's the best tip I can offer: make friends with the administrative assistant. Believe it or not, they have more power than the professors. Why? Because generally speaking, professors don't know how to access registration systems, contact the scholarship office, get you registered for exams or graduation, and most of them can't stick to a timeline any better than you can. Administrative people, on the other hand...that's their whole job! So here's what you do: always stop in to say hi when you're in the office, especially when you don't have something to ask them. Always give a little holiday card, and a thank you card at the end of each semester, and most importantly if you take a trip, bring them a little something. I suppose it's buying their help, but they're usually most most fun people in the office anyway. They usually have the dirt on all the faculty, they know all the good gossip, and they've been around long enough and see enough students go through that they can tell you stories that will make even the most lost little first year feel like they've got all their ducks in a row.
So, yes, you should pretty much feel like you're drowning and that if you actually wrote one cohesive To Do List that you'd need an entire roll of butcher paper. If you don't, you're not doing it right. And yes, you should, at some point, forget to read something, forget your presentation date, and forget to write a paper. If you don't, you're missing something. You're not reading enough and you're not doing enough background work. It's like those footnotes.....there's always a little extra fluff that you can skip but there's a WHOLE lot of other stuff you should be doing that no one will tell you about until it's too late. Who do you ask? The administrative person! Wondering how to get in good with the chair of the department? Ask the administrative person! Wondering how to get on the graduation list that was due three weeks ago? ASK THE ADMINISTRATIVE PERSON!
Yes, the game. Graduate school is a big unfair game. You have to figure out what to read, what to skip, who to trust, who to listen to, who to avoid, who to befriend, and what office person holds the power. Here's the best tip I can offer: make friends with the administrative assistant. Believe it or not, they have more power than the professors. Why? Because generally speaking, professors don't know how to access registration systems, contact the scholarship office, get you registered for exams or graduation, and most of them can't stick to a timeline any better than you can. Administrative people, on the other hand...that's their whole job! So here's what you do: always stop in to say hi when you're in the office, especially when you don't have something to ask them. Always give a little holiday card, and a thank you card at the end of each semester, and most importantly if you take a trip, bring them a little something. I suppose it's buying their help, but they're usually most most fun people in the office anyway. They usually have the dirt on all the faculty, they know all the good gossip, and they've been around long enough and see enough students go through that they can tell you stories that will make even the most lost little first year feel like they've got all their ducks in a row.
So, yes, you should pretty much feel like you're drowning and that if you actually wrote one cohesive To Do List that you'd need an entire roll of butcher paper. If you don't, you're not doing it right. And yes, you should, at some point, forget to read something, forget your presentation date, and forget to write a paper. If you don't, you're missing something. You're not reading enough and you're not doing enough background work. It's like those footnotes.....there's always a little extra fluff that you can skip but there's a WHOLE lot of other stuff you should be doing that no one will tell you about until it's too late. Who do you ask? The administrative person! Wondering how to get in good with the chair of the department? Ask the administrative person! Wondering how to get on the graduation list that was due three weeks ago? ASK THE ADMINISTRATIVE PERSON!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thanks, Creepy McCreeperson, for breathing on me for two hours
Yet another weekend and no work on the Big D. Why? Because I went to MD to visit family. Unfortunately, Texas is far away from everything...or at least everything I want to visit, including MD. It used to be a nice 70 minute flight with no changing planes and no delayed flights, but now it's two flights, three delays, and 136 people mouth breathing in a giant steel tube in the sky. Lovely.
The other big problem would be my amazing skills at assigning everything at the same time. This time it included quizzes for three classes, homework for one class, and papers for the last class. If anyone out there is a teacher, you know just how long it takes to grade everything and that if you get behind, it's pretty much the death of you. You let it go one day and you can never catch up. So, I decided to take advantage of the plane time to grade papers.
Obviously you sit VERY close to the lovely person next to you when you fly these days and usually they can't help but glance over and check out what it is you're doing to see if it's any more interesting that what they're doing. For future reference: reading your junkfood book is much more interesting that grading the same exercise 60 times in a row. I promise. My neighbor either wasn't informed or didn't believe me because he hovered (and not discreetly) over my should the whole 2 hours from New Orleans to Baltimore. I'm pretty sure he didn't speak Italian, so why, I ask, would he find my grading so important? I'm 99.9% sure he couldn't actually understand what I was reading, nor what my sea of red marks meant, so why the need to hover and stare?
Plane etiquette people! I've been on planes with crazy women painting their nails, a hairy man clipping his toe nails, a very tall man cleaning his ears with a pen (mom do you know who I'm talking about), and even a man participating in "inappropriate" acts under his blanket. Clearly, there should be a license to fly - if you can't pass the test on what is appropriate and what is not, you'll just have to drive. I'm sure the flight attendants would appreciate that. I think someone should patent that idea, sell it to the FAA, and then enforce the heck out of it!
The other big problem would be my amazing skills at assigning everything at the same time. This time it included quizzes for three classes, homework for one class, and papers for the last class. If anyone out there is a teacher, you know just how long it takes to grade everything and that if you get behind, it's pretty much the death of you. You let it go one day and you can never catch up. So, I decided to take advantage of the plane time to grade papers.
Obviously you sit VERY close to the lovely person next to you when you fly these days and usually they can't help but glance over and check out what it is you're doing to see if it's any more interesting that what they're doing. For future reference: reading your junkfood book is much more interesting that grading the same exercise 60 times in a row. I promise. My neighbor either wasn't informed or didn't believe me because he hovered (and not discreetly) over my should the whole 2 hours from New Orleans to Baltimore. I'm pretty sure he didn't speak Italian, so why, I ask, would he find my grading so important? I'm 99.9% sure he couldn't actually understand what I was reading, nor what my sea of red marks meant, so why the need to hover and stare?
Plane etiquette people! I've been on planes with crazy women painting their nails, a hairy man clipping his toe nails, a very tall man cleaning his ears with a pen (mom do you know who I'm talking about), and even a man participating in "inappropriate" acts under his blanket. Clearly, there should be a license to fly - if you can't pass the test on what is appropriate and what is not, you'll just have to drive. I'm sure the flight attendants would appreciate that. I think someone should patent that idea, sell it to the FAA, and then enforce the heck out of it!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Don't ever get sick in Denton
I couldn't help myself, another post is in order.
Why, oh why, Denton, do you attract such freaks?! I'm sitting at a coffee shop (and not the one where Jesus is King, here DMB is king) listening to two non-traditional students study for their nursing school class. The topic of the day is culture....and they're having a hard time defining it. One thinks it's being Jewish, the other thinks it's racism. Well, ladies, perhaps you should consult the obscene stack of books you've piled on that table because I'm not sure one word can define culture.
Then, there was the discussion about wine. (insert Texas accent here) "I just don't like most wine....it's so red." This coming from a middle aged woman with so many holes in her jeans I can see what she's carrying in her pockets.
And now, the debate: what is surface temperature vs core temperature (lady A thinks surface temp is something internal) and what is cardiac output (they can't figure out if it's the blood pumped OUT of the heart, or the blood INSIDE the heart).
So my dear friends, don't ever get sick in Denton. Obviously they'll try to take your temperature by cutting open your arm and try to figure out your blood pressure by playing with your toes. I'm a little worried for these two....I fear they may not ever become RNs. And if they do, lord help us all.
Why, oh why, Denton, do you attract such freaks?! I'm sitting at a coffee shop (and not the one where Jesus is King, here DMB is king) listening to two non-traditional students study for their nursing school class. The topic of the day is culture....and they're having a hard time defining it. One thinks it's being Jewish, the other thinks it's racism. Well, ladies, perhaps you should consult the obscene stack of books you've piled on that table because I'm not sure one word can define culture.
Then, there was the discussion about wine. (insert Texas accent here) "I just don't like most wine....it's so red." This coming from a middle aged woman with so many holes in her jeans I can see what she's carrying in her pockets.
And now, the debate: what is surface temperature vs core temperature (lady A thinks surface temp is something internal) and what is cardiac output (they can't figure out if it's the blood pumped OUT of the heart, or the blood INSIDE the heart).
So my dear friends, don't ever get sick in Denton. Obviously they'll try to take your temperature by cutting open your arm and try to figure out your blood pressure by playing with your toes. I'm a little worried for these two....I fear they may not ever become RNs. And if they do, lord help us all.
Boots, big hair, and boobs. Welcome to Dallas.
My wonderful roommate, who will very soon be the biggest thing in opera conducting, told me a few weeks ago that the UNT symphony had been invited to play this little shindig and would be accompanying Tim McGraw (don't care, but this will become important later). Furthermore, Mr. McGraw wants to make a live recording of this performance and maybe sell it so that's really good publicity for the UNT College of Music. So, I bought two tickets - one for me and one for the non-boyfriend, maybe we're dating, but we haven't ever had the DTR (define the relationship talk) so I'm not really sure what's going on there boy who would be returning from a 6 week deployment the very same day. I even spent the extra $10 for the reserved parking.
So, the events gets closer and non-DTR boy and I have several exchanges about what the exact date of the "Superbowl thing" is which basically resulted in complete confusion. Anyway, bottom line is the day of I was alone and looking to find someone to take the extra ticket, but didn't so I decided it was fine, I like football and I'd just make friends there. So, I start down the road and not twenty minutes later, I hear that good old trusty sound.......flat tire floppy. Perfect. So I pull over, but of course I'm pretty sure I'm going to die because, well, Texans aren't the greatest drivers in the world and I'm not sure the know quite how wide their pick up trucks really are. So I get out my insurance card and sure enough, there's no Roadside Assistance number. So, who do you call? Mom. But she didn't have it either, so three phone calls later (and after being informed that it was after hours and I'd have to call back tomorrow at 9am) we finally found the number which is now safely stored in my phone. So, 30 minutes the nice man says, and do I have a spare? Yes, a full size one thank you very much. Well, 60 minutes later, no teeth creepy tobacco chewing axe murderer arrives to change my tire. He did a very nice job, even though I refused to open the window wide enough for him to get his chubby little hand through, and told me I should have it retorqued within the next 40 miles.
So I pull back on the road (almost got sideswiped by a semi and then got honked at by the ugly ass pick up truck three lanes over, and drove the next few miles under the speedlimit because I was convinced my new lovely tire would probably fly off and I'd flip my pretty red car over. And then.......I realized that not only was there this superbowl thing, but there was also a Rangers game the same night. Lovely. So now I'm late and waiting in traffic with the other 100,000 people who want to go to the two mile strip of land that houses Jerryland and the Temple. Perfect. So, I finally did arrive (after I discovered that my little $10 parking voucher put me WAY at the end of everything).
So I go in, sit down next to the crazy single mom who will not give her screaming child the water he is clearly asking for nor will she sit still or stop screaming at the top of her lungs anytime she sees a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, Jerry Jones, Emmitt Smith, Darren Woodson, Tim McGraw or any of the other 39,999 people inside the place. Perfect. My favorite kind of people to sit next to.
All in all the orchestra was great, Tim McGraw was boring, and the cheerleaders have stupid costumes. Perhaps someone should also remind Jerry Jones that he is not a strapping young lad of 25 but a crazy old rich man of what? 70? But good times. The best part of the night, though, was how obvious it was that Tim McGraw couldn't have been bothered to rehearse at any point so his earpiece didn't work. His response? Look down and just make no noise (yes, you will disappear like a gecko). Then he was supposed to end and the symphony would end with him.....but he decided to go greet pretty much everyone in the freaking place so they just kept repeating repeating repeating. And best of all, Tim McGraw then tried to shake the hand of the man directing a 95 piece orchestra. Good move buddy....that won't screw them up at all!
If you know me at all, you know that I think rhinestones and animal print make any outfit better. I. WAS. WRONG. I have never seen so many rhinestone studded cowboy boots on blondes with mile high hair and boobs flying all over the place! I literally thought I walked into a Marlboro ad when I walked in. There were cowboy hats and men in wranglers dippin into their tobacco tins and then girls in barely there skirts with boobs popping out and cowboy boots all over the place. Where are Clinton and Stacey when you need them? Can we make over an entire city? All I'm saying is, remember Coco Chanel: always remove an accessory before you go out of the house.
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