Hall-o-wha?

Happy Halloween!  I have to admit, this is one of my favorite holidays.....but since there are no fireworks and it's cold, it will never beat the 4th of July.  HOWEVER, it is always fun to dress up.  But please, ladies and gentlemen, cover up.

Last night I had my first block party experience.  Now, I have lived some very cool places and have partaken in some of the country's best Halloween celebrations.  I have been to the Castro, I have been to Franklin Street, I have even been to Corby's on Halloween.  But never, my friends, have I experienced the debauchery that was the Cedar Springs Block Party.

First of all, there is a "catwalk" down the middle of the road.  I guess I was thinking this would be some kind of raised platform where divas and drag queens would strut their stuff.  It was actually a walking lane that was delineated by cattle barricades where anyone who wanted to could stroll along for everyone to look at them.  

Some people did a good job.  Highlights for the evening included: anyone with a headdress that was more than ten feet high, Gonzo, and the adorable pink Care Bear that accompanied me all night.  And then, my friends, there were the "others."  I think maybe the problem is that I just didn't understand the costumes.  Perhaps you can enlighten me.  

When did a g-string and a trench coat become a costume?  What are you?

Why is your skirt so short I can actually see more of your naught parts with it on?  What's the point there?

By teasing your hair to the sky and wearing the world's greatest push up bra, what are you accomplishing?  You're still not wearing a costume, you just look like a moderately priced ho.

And my personal favorite.....why are you wearing roller skates if you don't know how to skate?  I watched you fall three times in six seconds, and you haven't even had a cocktail yet.  Isn't that going to be annoying by the end of the night?

When did Lingerie Diva and Electric Boutique becomes the go to places for Halloween costumes?  Why do you need to be risqué Dorothy?  Why is Alice in Wonderland wearing tulle, thigh highs, and stiletto CFM shoes?  And I'm pretty sure Wednesday Adams was not known for her midriff bearing black sweater to compliment her teeny weeny not-even-a-skirt.

I must be getting old.....I don't find it fun to have to turn away from your bare butt bobbing down the street only to run into a naked boy wearing a string and a leaf.  Come on people, I went to Berkeley were naked roams the streets and Halloween is celebrated by the entire bay area flocking to a 10 square mile neighborhood in San Francisco.  But alas, the times change, even the hippest of us becomes squares and "conservative" thinkers.  All I'm saying is, check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

10 things I don't believe in and neither should you.

Sometimes people accuse me of blatant disregard for rules.  Well, first off it's not blatant, I'm very good at being discreet.  Second, I don't believe in rules that have no basis in reality.  So, here are a list of ten things I don't believe in.

1.  Parking lot stop signs.

2.  Wisdom comes with age.

3.  You can overdress for an event.

4.  "Rhinestones don't belong at this event."

5.  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

6.  The more you sweat, the better the workout.

7.  "A lady doesn't use that kind of language."

8.  There is no more democrat or republic, we just have liberal conservatives and conservative liberals.

9.  Reality TV rots your brain.

10.  If you don't sing well, sing loud.

I feel strongly that you should all get on my bandwagon.  Please consider.

Oh really? I had no idea!

It's been one of those weeks where everyone around me has decided to stop dedicating even the mediocre amount of energy they may or may not have put into their work previously and is now just resigning themselves completely from being any help to me at all.  In case you didn't know, I love it when that happens.  Furthermore, I got one of my favorite statements today: "You just don't understand what it's like to be a student....it's really hard work."  Oh really?  I had no idea!  I miraculously skipped the 23 years of education it takes to get to my place in life.  I'm a miracle child.....I didn't have to go to college.  I learned Italian, how to teach, and everything else that resides in my brain without school.  I just woke up one morning and I was suddenly an expert at all things italiano.  I mean, I'm a pretty big deal.  The E! channel will be doing a special on me shortly.

Dear student: you have very nicely just demonstrated an idiot moment.  If you think, for even a second, that I have it (yes, present tense, I am still a student, which means not only do I work full time (read 60-80 hours a week) figuring out how to talk in a manner that you can absorb, but I also do my own work) any easier than you, you should probably just give up on life all together right this very moment.  Do you really think that because I went to college in the year 2000 that things were easier?  Perhaps you haven't listened to any media source in the last few years, but our educational system is currently failing you.  It gives you the false sense that college is for everyone, anyone can graduate, and that it's easy.  It may be that way, but it shouldn't be.  You, my dear student, are spoiled by having me as a teacher.  I make myself available, I teach in a manner you can understand, I stop to ask if you're understanding me when I talk, and I give you the skills to learn on your own through directed readings.  Do you think I got that?  Kinda, sorta, maybe from some professors.....but really, and yes, people will lie about this, you learn to teach from the bad teachers.  Rarely do we actually mirror ourselves after good teachers.  More often we try to oppose those unfortunate teachers who really can't teach.

Perhaps you're not familiar with the American education system, so here are a few updates:
1.  One must finish high school to be accepted into college.  I went to college, so yes, I did have to work my way through high school, just as you did.
2.  One must actually complete two separate fields of study to earn a double bachelor's degree.  I, indeed, have a double bachelor's.  Yes, I in fact did complete two completely separate courses of study; one in Italian and one in Classics.  And if that's not enough for you I actually got in trouble for taking TOO MANY HOURS as an undergrad because as a college athlete I was gifted some hours which I very politely regifted back to the university.
3.  One must complete an undergraduate degree to be admitted into a masters program.  Surprise!  I was admitted to a masters program!!!
4.  One must complete a masters program to be admitted to a doctoral program.  You'll never guess.....YES, I was admitted to a doctoral program!
5.  One must complete that doctoral program, including the successful writing of a dissertation, successful publication of scholarly articles, editing and rewriting of current textbooks, presentation of current research at scholarly conferences, and the like to become a doctor.  Guess what I'll be in May?
6.  To be hired into a full time teaching job, one must work with colleagues, build a successful language program, not lose any students to death or other events on study abroad, contribute to the administrative success of a university, etc.  I know this will surprise you, but I have a full time teaching job.

So, my dear students, think again before you try and tell me that I just don't understand what you're going through.  Been there, done that, did it with heels on, and I still look really darn good.  I invite you to come spend a week in my shoes, do everything I do, wear my five inch heels everyday, and then tell me that your life is harder than mine.  I think you'll see that I work just as hard as you do!

The moral of the story is:  Get over yourselves, you're not that special.  Life is hard, it sucks sometimes, and no one will shed a tear for you about that.  Instead, suck it up, put on your big girl panties, and plow ahead at full speed.

5 urban academic myths the world will try to convince you are true

There are some crazy myths out there and if you're superstitious at all, you might start to believe some of them.  But these 5 you should be wary of....

1.  People who complete their PhD come out of school over educated and under socialized.  Oh really?  Follow me for week and then come tell me that I'm under socialized.  This my friends, is called jealously, and it's frowned upon in most modern societies.

2.  A math or science degree is worth more than a liberal arts or humanities degree.  Ok Mr. science nerd that hasn't been out of your lab in 8 days, teach my classes for a week and then tell me that your field is more important than mine.  Humanities teach people life skills, how to appreciate other cultures, and the importance of being humble.  We are just as important as you!

3.  The older the professor, the wiser he is.  WRONG.  Sometimes this may be true, but sometimes it's just not.  First of all, Professoressa Jessica is pretty darn wise for a hot young thang.  Second, wisdom doesn't come from years, and if you think it does, you're already lacking some of your own.

4.  Publish or perish.  No.  Just, no.  Doesn't the American education system value well roundedness?  Isn't that why we encourage (read require) students to take general ed classes that expose them to all sorts of different fields?  Then why would you push my to focus on nothing but research and publishing when there are influenceable young minds to shape?  How about let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours.  Ok, thanks.

5.  Academic bureaucracy is unavoidable.  No it's not, people just don't communicate.  I promise if you told me why you made that ridiculous decision I might be more inclined to see things from your point of view.  Or if you explained why I need to fill out the same form 8 times even though I've already done it online, I might be more amenable.  I'm not inflexible and neither are you, but use your words.

You've got some balls, my friend

It's now 7:52pm, and I'm on day 10, hour 5, 321 of grading midterm papers.....and someone just had to the balls to tell me I should just stop assigning homework.  Listen friend, I would love to, but it turns out students these days are lazy, ungrateful, entitled little technology addicted complainers.  Believe me, if I could count on the fact that students would study outside of class, read the appropriate texts, look into background information, and widen their own horizons, I would assign homework (this would be how graduate school works and why so many people fail out of it....or better yet, just never get in).  But guess what?  People are lazy.....which is why it has become the unpleasant task of the undergraduate instructor to ensure that students get the information and practice necessary to learn new things.  It's not a fun job....do you think I like reading 60 of the same paper over and over and over full of errors that, by now, should not be made?  Oh yes, it's the way I love to spend my weekend.  Do you think I like spending hours on end writing review worksheets that are similar (but not too similar) and loosely mirror (but not coo closely) the exam structure?  Let me help you: NO!  It's a waste of my time if students can't be bothered to spend a few minutes a day to learn the gems that I provide.  How do you think it feels to know that I spend EXPONENTIALLY more time on your homework than you do?  How do think it feels to explain a concept 18 different ways, with 568 different examples, take questions for 4 days, get the thumbs up that "yes, we understand" and then grade your paper which clearly shows that you were not paying attention when I was talking?  Do you think I have nothing better to do than put together grammar exercises for you?  Do you really think your texting during my class is going unnoticed?  It's not.....I'm just tired of telling you to put your phone away and I'm deducting it from your participation grade.  Do me a favor, if you're not interested in what I have to say, don't come to class.  It just ticks me off to watch you sleep through a film that has single handedly shaped the cinematic world into what it is today.  I'm sure your little girlfriend has many an important detail to share about her drunken debauchery last night.....but if you whip out that piece of crap flip phone one more time I swear to Dio I'll take it from you and drop it from my non-existent office window.

So.....in case I haven't made myself clear, I'd love to not have to assign homework.  I'd love it if you talked in class when I ask you to, if you'd write on the board when I ask for volunteers, if you'd take some initiative and do a little background reading on your own.  I'm sure you don't realize this, but I could teach you SO MUCH MORE if you'd take a little responsibility for your own education.  But alas, you don't.  Why would you?  You've been babied to the point that you think everything should be handed to you on a bedazzled platter.....so, I will continue to give you homework to try and help you learn good study habits.  If you choose not to learn from them, not my fault......but don't you come crying to me when the real work rears its ugly head and BITES YOU IN THE A**!!!!

Contrary to popular belief

Ladies and gentlemen, natural selection is in effect.  Contrary to popular belief, not all of you will survive....some of you will have to be eliminated.  Yes, it's a sad sad fact, but it's all masked behind your behavior.  Here are a few tips to help you survive and have your name live on.

1.  Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is smart.  In fact, most people are just plain dumb.  So....you're going to have to put a little effort into life.  Coasting through will just make sure that your killed off quickly.  Want to survive?  Don't be an idiot.

2.  Wearing clothing that is too small for you, or constantly revealing unflattering areas, just tells the big man that you should be on the quick track to elimination.  Contrary to popular belief, showing you belly button is not hot, it's tacky and kind of skanky.  Please stop.  A little mystery goes a long way.

3.  Contrary to popular belief, rain does not allow you to drive like a freak show.  It's just water, falling from the sky, it happens every day, all the time, all over the world, and people cope.  If you can't, you should remove yourself from the possibility of driving like an freak.

4.  Contrary to popular belief, talking loudly does not make me listen to you.  In fact, it makes me hate you for interrupting my inner running dialogue.  If I wanted to pay attention to you I would.  If I'm not, go away.

5.  You are not the center of the universe.  Yes, surely you are the center of your universe, but I don't live there and I really don't care that you think you're so important.  You should also know that if you cannot open your eyes wide enough to look around you, you'll probably walk into a hyena den one night while you admire yourself in your little Cover Girl compact mirror.  I will not save you if this happens.

6.  The overly used, not funny at all, "That's what she said" joke will not make me laugh.  In fact, it will make me seriously doubt your comic taste.  I try to surround myself with funny people, not annoying ones who can't come up with their own new and exciting one-liners.

7.  Full make up with false eye lashes and red lipstick for school is not cute.....it makes you look like you're just trying WAY WAY WAY too hard.  If you have to try that hard for school, the rest of your life is going to be pretty much unbearable.  Good luck with that.

Don't be a lemming folks.  Most of the people you're following around blindly are idiots; take a good look at a person before you decide they can lead you somewhere.  Rebel a little bit and may even try to think in your own....it's a big step, I know, but I believe in you.

Some of my not-so-good role models

Every time I compete in a pageant, one of the hot item questions is about a role model.  Well, I have to admit, I have a lot more not-so-good role models than good ones.  I think when we reach a certain age, you have to start looking for people to teach you to be sassy and witty.  Lucky for me, my mom is one of those people.  There are also some others and you might be surprised to find out who they are.

1.  Zen mama - That would be my mom.  Sometimes my mom is frustratingly calm.  This I don't always love....it's easier to be hoppin' mad when others are as well.  Other times, my mom has Jessica moments (extremely rare but comfortingly hilarious when they happen) that make me feel so much more normal than I usually do.

2.  Chelsea Lately - if you don't like her, I'm not sure if we can be friends.  I pretty much want to be her when I grow up.  Have you ever watched her show?  It definitely depends on who's on the roundtable (my favs are Josh Wolf, Lonnie Love, and Joe Koy - if these three are ever on together it's comedy gold!) but it's pretty much laugh out loud funny every night.

3.  Kelly Ripa - I don't know why everyone hates her.  I love her. She's funny, quick, and she's a great mom.  Plus she ran off and eloped to Las Vegas and is still in love and married which I think is pretty impressive after 3 kids.

4.  Kathy Griffin - Yes, she has been kicked off of every network and every talk show but who else will teach you how to harass people while still smiling and feeding your mother her daily box of wine?

5.  Stalker Sean - No, he has no filter, no sense of censorship, and no idea just how inappropriate he is....but he does it anyway.  I guess if you're going to do something, own it, right?

I encourage everyone to pick at least one completely inappropriate role model and shape some aspect of your life in their image.  It's fun....no one wants to be good all the time.  You'll never have any friends that way.

5 reasons I should be in charge of the world

There seems to be some confusion lately about common sense....or perhaps commons sense has become one of these traits that is not being passed on in some of the more stupid people as a way of natural selection?  Either way, today I am confident that I could run the world much better than whoever is doing it.  Here are 5 reasons why:

1.  I understand that when there are 2 unlocked doors and many people trying to enter and exit through them....wait for it....almost there....you should open.....here it comes....BOTH DOORS!

2.  I am one of few people that understand that if we drive on the right side of the street, we should also walk on the right side of the stairway.....this helps with traffic flow and reduces the amount of idiots falling down the middle of the stairs because there was no railing to hold on to.

3.  Saying you can do something does not mean you can.  Telling me you're competent and then showing me that you clearly are not does not make me have ANY faith in you.  In fact, I will no longer call on you for help in the future.

4.  I don't have box vision.  Box vision is similar to tunnel vision, but tunnel vision implies that you can see in front of you and not to the sides.  Box visionaries can not see in front, to the side, or behind them.  In fact, they might as well just shut their eyes, go to sleep, and leave the real work to those who can handle it.

5.  I don't preach on what I don't know.  I don't know anything about fiscal conservativism so guess what? I don't preach about it.  Talking out of your butt just makes your breath stink and makes no one want to listen to you.  Me most of all.

So, ladies and gentlemen, vote Jessica for queen of the world.  You can purchase a button for $1 directly from me.

5 things that should never be (but are) found in the Language Building.

1.  The red gummy bear stuck to the ceiling that has been there since I started working over a year ago.

2.  Four microwaves in the faculty lounge - 2 don't work, 1 sometimes works but blows the fuse on the fridge and the 4th works but doesn't actually get anything hot.

3.  A dust bunny bigger than my head that has apparently been living under my desk since 5 teachers ago.

4.  Ugly shoes.

5.  A box of eclipse candies.....that have been living in the Italian office since I went to see the movie over a year ago.

Top 10 teacher superpowers

It's true, teachers are superheroes, and most of them should be recognized as such.  And yes, we do have superhero names and a secret handshake and we all meet once a year in a super secret location to figure out the following year's super secret password.  In case you're curious, here are the top 10 teacher superpowers according to Jessica.

1.  Infinite patience in response the question: "And what exactly is a verb again?"

2.  Ability seek out the one pair of glazed over eyes in a sea of 70 eye balls and get those eyes back in the game.

3.  Infinite resiliency.  How many days do we go home thinking: "There's no clearer way I could have explained that and they still just don't get it."  Yet, we come back the next day, rethink the lesson, and run at it like our butt is on fire.

4.  Multi-tasking.  Today I checked the exchange rate for the euro, figured out several different flight options for Spring Break to Italy, retaught (for the milionth time) definite articles, graded 14 worksheets, and sang a song all at the same time.  No, that's not weird.  It's my life.

5.  Ability to extract at least one interesting tidbit from each and every one of our 120 students that we retain in our super secret safe and whip it out at the most unexpected times.  How else are we supposed to keep you interested?

6.  Unbounded creativity.  Can you make disjunctive pronouns funny, interesting, and memorable?  I can.

7.  Complete disinhibition when it comes to classroom behavior.  When other time would I sing, dance, and tell ridiculous stories from my own life?  If it will make you remember how to form the present perfect correctly, bring it on.

8.  Infinite ability to remember faces.  If you've ever had me as a teacher, I will always remember you.  I may not remember your real name but I will remember your Italian name and probably some ridiculous fact about your life.

9.  Magical powers to add hours to the day.  Have you ever had to grade 27 five page papers, write three lesson plans, study for your doctoral exams, and coach a swim team in the same day?  Been there, done that, wrote the book on doing it in style.

10.  Forgiveness.  If you were me, you would not forgive the excuses I hear for why students don't turn in their homework.  (Gem of the week: I thought lunedì meant Wednesday.  Liar!  I've taught you Italian for two years now, there's no possible way you didn't know lunedì means Monday.)  But, I forgive you and we move on.  Tomorrow we shall dance again.

Not everyone can be a superhero, but teachers are certainly among the most respectable.  So, dear students, please take a moment to thank your teacher, and give them a break once and a while.  Remember you are one (and a very important one), but only one of the nearly 245 students we deal with every year.  You are special, but you cannot dominate our time.

5 tips to survive your midterms

Everyone wants a midterm survival guide and believe it or not, there's no secret.  It's all time management skills folks.  (P.S.  so is life.)  But, if you are struggling, here are 5 tips to help you out:

1.  DO NOT wait until Wednesday at 10pm to start writing your 5 page paper in Italian.  You will not finish it.  And if you do, it won't be very good.  Start early, finish early.  You'll be amazed at how many errors you made when you revisit a paper.

2.  DO NOT email your professor at 2am expecting to get an answer before your 8am midterm the following day.  They will not get that email until 7am the next morning and will probably not answer it.  Even if they do, you'll probably be running late and not have time to check your email before the exam.  If it were me, I'd just laugh and delete it.  Mean?  Yes.  But there's no magic answer you're going to get from me 60 minutes before a test that is going to seriously influence your grade.  You're either ready or you're not.....my email will not change that.

3.  When professors ask you for a list of sources or a topic or an outline ahead of time, spend some time thinking about that topic.  If you follow their timeline, you'll have plenty of time to get everything done.  Professors set deadlines that seem "early" to help you develop your time management skills.  We can tell you a thousand times to start your paper early but you won't.  So, we just make you do it.....stick with us folks, we sort of know what we're doing.

4.  All nighters do not equal good grades.  Perhaps you are pulling that all nighter to study for biology....or perhaps you slept through the lecture on sleep, but staying up all night isn't healthy and you really just can't retain good information at 4am.  You'd be much better off studying efficiently and sleeping than staying up and trying to cram the information of 25 lectures into you head.  It's called cramming for a reason, you only retain it for about an hour and then it's gone.  If you're cramming for a class you need for your major, you seriously need to reevaluate your major.

5.  We're on your side.  There are always extenuating circumstances and learning disabilities and emergencies.  If you talk to us early we're MUCH more likely to make some kind of alternate arrangement with you.  If you wait until the day your 15 page paper is due to tell me that you broke your index fingers on both hands ten days ago......I'm going to tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope you've learned to type with your other 8.  If you'd come talk to me ten days ago, maybe we could have made some agreement that would have worked for both parties.

So, the secret is time management.  Act early.  You should feel good about visiting your professors' offices.....I sit in min pretty much all day every day.  I love interruptions!  Hence why my door is literally always open.  Come visit me and tell me your story and I will either give you a pep talk (which is usually all you need) or we'll work together to get to some arrangement.  If you're reading this and you haven't finished your paper for tomorrow, shame on you.

I know you're busy, but so am I and I don't complain to you about it so get over yourself!

We're headed towards midterms and it's that time of year when students feel the need to complain to their teachers about how busy they are.  WE KNOW!  We've already finished school (and a whole lot more than you by the way) and we've already been through that.  The whole point of midterms is that they happen at the mid point of the semester.  Surprise!  That's the same time for every class!  So are finals.  Do you think that life makes a list of everything you have going on and kindly schedules your midlife crisis around your child's birthday and your car breaking down.  Of course not!  This is training for real life.  If you can't handle midterms, you're going to have a very challenging life!

Here are a few things to remember:
1.  We know you're busy.  Believe it or not, all of your teachers have been through college, and graduate school, written a dissertation, and many of them have families as well.  We don't complain to you, please don't complain to us.  You signed up for school, so own it!

2.  Our to do lists are, and always will be, WAY longer than yours.  I'm looking at my Sunday afternoon to do list and it has 28 items listed on it.  I must, no exceptions, complete all of those things today.  I also have a weekly to do list that includes another 50 or 60 items that have to fit into my "free time" this week.

3.  I'm in school too!  I have already completed 4 years of college, 5 years of graduate school, and I'm currently finishing my dissertation WHILE teaching full time.  Your sob story of having to write a 5 page paper for me over the next four days does not stir me.  Try writing a book while working 70 hours a week.

4.  Grading takes half as long as writing.  If it takes you two hours to write a composition, it will take me about an hour to grade it.  Multiply that by my 120 students and then come cry to me about your busy busy schedule.

5.  I write the tests....of course I know how hard they are!  Perhaps you're unaware, but test writing is an art.  How many communicative activities can you come up with that test direct and indirect object pronouns without putting too much emphasis on other skills?  I've been teaching for 7 years now, so that means I've written at least 28 different activities on this one particular grammar element.  Take a guess on  how many hours of my life have been spent on test writing.

So, my dear students, get over yourselves.  Telling us you're busy does not accomplish anything.  We are too.  Furthermore, telling me that you have "literally only six hours" over the next seven days to write your paper does nothing but tell me you have poor time management skills.  I too went to college.  I also was a NCAA Division I athlete in college who practiced an average of 6-7 hours a day.  Furthermore, I traveled A LOT for swim meets and had to work around those crazy schedules to get my work done.  I also had a job and volunteered in the community.  Yes, I know what it means to be busy, and I feel for you, but please don't waste my time telling me how your life is so much more busy than mine.  It's annoying.

A note on appropriate classroom attire

Apparently there's a misconception among today's college students that they do not have to dress appropriately to come to school.  Let me set a few guidelines.  It may or may not (read may) be a good idea to follow these guidelines in the future.

Do not come to school in your pajamas.  All that does is tell me that you have zero time management skills.  Are you unable to set an alarm clock?  Or do you just not care than you're coming to school in clothes that are filled with dead skin cells from last night.  Furthermore, you're probably a wrinkled mess.....and that's a lot coming from me who doesn't believe in ironing.  But really, people, come on!

Do not come to school in shorts so short that I can actually see the crease where your butt and your upper thigh meet.  Just because they sell slutty clothes does not mean you should buy them.  If you do feel the need to buy them, save them for the discoteca folks.  School is for learning in PG clothing.

Do not wear shoes in which you cannot walk.  Sure, we all have shoes that seem fine until you walk out of the house.  But then you retire those shoes to the rack that you only wear to seated events.  Why would you repeatedly wear shoes that make you walk like you have a clubbed foot?

Do not wear see through clothing.  It makes me think that you cannot afford to pay for school and so you work at the local strip joint and your boss wouldn't let you off in time to go home and change.  I'm not judging, but my mind wanders.

Do not wear three different plaids.  If you think they go together, I seriously doubt your ability to match subjects, verbs, and adjectives since you clearly cannot tell what goes and what doesn't.

Do not wear your nasty sweaty gym clothes.  Sometimes you can't smell yourself when you stink, but I CAN!

Do not wear that shirt that you cut the sleeves off of.  If your muscles are good enough to show off, they'll look good without tattering up your clothing.

Do not wear a dress so short that you cannot sit down.  Perhaps you're not familiar with modern American schooling methods, but we generally provide desks and chairs and we encourage you to sit in them while we offer you knowledge and wisdom.  If you are too worried about your little thong hanging out, you're probably not listening to the knowledge I'm trying to offer you.

I realize that there are many designers out there that will try and convince you that tutus, tennis shoes, and tattered tshirts are high fashion.  They are lying.  Don't get sucked into all that crap.  Dress appropriately and then I won't have to worry about the fact that you cannot manage to dress yourself, so how will you ever learn Italian.  Many thanks.

You know you're a teacher if.....

1.  Your desk is a rainbow of Post-It notes so deep you can't even see the bottom layer.

2.  You receive more than 50 emails a day.....most of which are asking about the homework for today's class.

3.  Your students follow you around and visit even when it's not your office hours.

4.  You have red pens stashed in every pocket of every purse you own.

5.  You stock up on white board markers and colored chalk when it's on sale at Staples.

6.  You carry around scratch paper and diagram sentences for people at dinner parties.

7.  You respond to the following without being frustrated or annoyed: "Uh......Professoressa......I don't know what's going on right now."

8.  You often wear black clothing and discover a white line across your butt because you leaned against the chalkboard in first period and didn't realize it until now (7pm).

9.  You don't know how people live without knowing what Worldcat.org is.

10.  You actually want people to interrupt with questions when you talk.

Ahh yes, the joys of being a teacher.  Life settles into something pretty deranged sometimes.  I now hoard white board markers and have developed a pretty complex Post-It notes system.  I also have piles which make no sense to anyone and constantly have at least 86 new emails in my inbox.  The business cards I carry around in my wallet are all publishing reps and my volunteer work has morphed into critiquing new textbooks.  I often talk slowly and in mono-syllables.....and act out just about everything that comes out of my mouth.  I have an arsenal of choreographed dances not to songs, but to lists of pronouns, and I'm a little bit ashamed to say it, but I have a teacher sweater on the back of my desk chair.  Funny how things work out, isn't it?

Yes, my students are better than yours. And no, I'm not ashamed to say it.

Monday's are always my hardest teaching days because usually people have a really hard time waking up and remembering they're at school at not at home on the couch.  So, today I got a lot of blank stares (the Monday stares, as I call them), but after only 2 reminders that we're at school and it's time to engage, people pretty much woke up.

Mondays I teach three classes of two different levels.  The first two are the same level, back to back sections.  It's funny because the first class is mostly girls and they are hilarious....somehow everything always relates back to travel in Italy, not acting like an idiot, and the traffic on 35.  The second class is more boys than girls and they somehow were talking about a kid who impaled himself on a pole running away from a pitbull and fried beer.  Oh, and the crazies in Dallas who accost you until you buy "their" CD which turns out to be Ludacris's latest album.  Whoever says classes don't have personalities is a liar.

And then there are my babies.....my little 1020s.  I'm always a little worried I'm going to lose them.....they are usually just this side of a total breakdown but we do a good job of keeping eyes dry and the hyperventilation to a minimum.  And some days, like today, you just cannot accomplish anything.  Each class has their day when they need a day off and it was today.  It was clear from the moment I walked in there would be no Italian today.....instead it was a venting session.  What they hated, what they liked....about me, Italian, and life in general.  And student W who usually looks like he's trying to make my face melt off when he looks at me smiled and said today was the best day he'd had in a long time.

So yes, my students are better than yours.  They are cuter, funnier, and pretty much just better all the way around!  You should be jealous, and you can't have them.  They're mine!  All mine.  Today they tried to tell me I couldn't wear heels to the Texas State Fair.  We'll see about that.  Have they ever seen me in anything but?  Last summer someone told me I couldn't climb a mountain in sandals and I did just fine, so we shall see.  Do your students try to protect your footwear?  I doubt it.  Do you students keep you updated on all the gossip in the dining halls?  I think not.  Do you have a running tab of who's dating who in the dorms.  No.  But I do.  It's ok to be jealous.

Furthermore, people who take Italian are extra special.  It's the people who decided to take a new language, work a little harder and not rely on what they learned in high school, so you already know they'll be pretty special.  Add that to the fact that I see them pretty much everyday and that we travel in packs around DFW to the opera and to restaurants and stuff, yes, we end up like a creepy crazy little Italian family.  Tomorrow is our first Italian Club meeting of the year and I can guarantee that someone will laugh so hard they snort, someone else will throw some wicked insult and spend the next two weeks trying to apologize and get out of the doghouse (when the person insulted is really just milking the whole situation and was never really offended in the first place) and finally, there will be a love match that begins tomorrow.  Oh yes, Italian is its own soap opera.

Top 5 awkward exchanges with students

Yes, these have all happened.....I only speak the truth.  If you every find yourself as a student, be sure to avoid these situations!

ONE
Student: Why is your office so hot?
Me: It's not.
Student: It must be seeing you that makes me so hot.

TWO:
Student: Feel my butt!  It's hot!
Me: No thank you.

THREE:
Student: Remember when you told us we should have a soundtrack to our lives?
Me: Yes.
Student: Your should be "Unbelievable."
Me: ....thanks.

FOUR:
Student: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Student: And lips.

FIVE:
Student: I mean, who wears grey pants?!
Me: I'm wearing grey pants.
Student: Ya....but you make them look so good.

Top 10 Tips for surviving Professoressa Jessica's classes.

Top 10 tips for surviving:
1.  Do not skip my class.  I will hunt you down and ask you repeatedly why you're not gracing me with your presence.
2.  Do not refuse to print the syllabus, never check blackboard, never listen in class, and then approach me to ask when the next quiz is.  If you only did one of the afore-mentioned activities you would know!
3.  Do not refuse to buy the book, never turn in homework, rarely attend class, and then ask me why your participation grade is so low.
4.  Do not text in class.
5.  Do not sleep through my oh so interesting lessons......life skills, this is what I have to impart to you.  Knowledge and life skills.
6.  Show up for the tests.
7.  Smile - if I think you're trying to kill me with silent daggers shooting out of your eyes, I will call on you repeatedly and try to make you laugh.  It can be pretty awkward.
8.  Ask questions.  If you don't know what's going on, chances are other people don't either.  Be the hero.  Ask the question.
9.  Remember that I cannot dance but will if you ask me to.
10.  Never bash the Real Housewives.

You are so very capable of all of these things.  I promise you that my bark is harsher than my bite.  All you have to do is show up, smile, and ask questions.  ANYONE can do this if you try.  I promise I can make you laugh, and yes, I will perform some kid of whack job choreographed dance at some point during the semester.....it's kind of my trademark.  If you are afraid to meet my eyes, stare at my shoes, they're always pretty interesting.  These, my friends, are the secrets to surviving my class.  Welcome to the club, handshake to be taught at the next meeting.

I would totally survive the zombie apocalypse

Why?  Life skills, people, life skills.  Now, I will grant you the fact that I like triple platforms and animal print and bedazzled everything.....but at least I have common sense!  I don't, nor have I ever needed, someone to hold my hand through normal daily activities.  I have never asked my professor how I could be failing when I have missed 13 of 16 class meetings.  I have never signed up for a class, opted not to attend it, and then had the guts to email the professor for the location and time of the final exam.  I have never suggested to a professor that since I'm a senior, I'm really going to need to pass this class.  Why?  Common sense.  This is the pictures of common sense:



Yes, it's true.  Common sense is a spray tan, triple platforms, and a teal and zebra interview suit.  I know, you're amazed, but when the apocalypse comes and it's survival of the fittest, stick with me folks!  I can fend for myself, and probably for you to.  Why?  Because I have learned how to survive in the world.  Believe it or not, that's what college is all about.  If you can't handle that, not a big deal just  DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.

Sometimes I'm just amazed that people are even alive.  Like I'm not even sure they really remember to eat and bathe and sleep every day.  I just don't know.....when did people become so dumb?  I am definitely not the most brilliant person to roam the Earth, but I can certainly get myself up everyday, feed myself, and get myself to where I need to be on time and prepared for the events of the day.  So, bring on the zombie attack.....and my dearest darling students, be advised: I'm preparing you for life (as well as the unlikely, yet still very possible impending zombie attack).  Hints for the day: listen to what I say.  Believe it or not, I'm trying to impart knowledge that will help you in life.  Write it down.  Record it.  Take a photo of my chalkboard with your fancy phone.  Whatever, just take note of what I say.  If it were superfluous I promise I wouldn't bore you with it.  If it were worthless, I wouldn't have a job.  So get on board folks, one of these days it's going to be time to clean house and all the dummies are going to be sacrificed!