Thoughts of the day

Here's how I know I'm a very strange individual:

1.  I like having my eyebrows waxed.  I think it feels good.

2.  When other people dine alone I always wonder why no one wants to eat with them, but when I go out to lunch/dinner alone I always assume everyone thinks I'm very some important business person or secret agent.

3.  I hate everyone when I first meet them.  Including my best friends.....but it usually only lasts for about ten minutes.

4.  Sicilian women hate me.  I love that they hate me.  After seven years, now they seem to love me.  I think that means I've become partially Sicilian.

5.  I swam competitively in high school and college but don't know what to do in the ocean.  What's fun about being in water if you're not swimming back and forth?

6.  If I ever moved to Italy I would adopt every street cat I could find.  I've already adopted three street kitties: Angry kitty, hungry kitty, and fluffy kitty.  Angry kitty has only one tooth by the way.

7.  I love grammar and would be happy to do grammar exercises all day long.

8.  My mom is awesome and thinks I'm funny even when I'm not.

9.  Funfetti cupcakes have not made their way to Italy.  Get it together Betty Crocker.

10.  Noncommittal equals mysterious.  And in a small town mysterious is always good.

Honeymoon Island.

I've come up with a new brilliant idea (which I shall soon patent and then live off the royalties): Honeymoon Island.  Not too fast now, it's not just for newlyweds, it's for all of you who feel the need to broadcast your sloppy PDA to the world.  Guess what?  We (read I, but one must remember that in this blog I'm the only one who matters) don't want to see it.  It makes us (refer to previous parenthetical notation) want to barf and then gouge our eyes and ears out.  That is why for the low low price of $50/day you can go to Honeymoon Island where everyone will be all over each other all the time but you won't care because all you focus on is yourself anyway.

Not sold yet?  Here are some of the perks of Honeymoon Island.

1.  SEMI PRIVATE ROOMS.  Ok, so you have to share your room with six other couples, but you won't even notice because while you make out in front of me and hang all over each other you are completely oblivious to the death glares and gagging sounds I'm making, so I'm sure you won't even notice the other people in the room.

2.  JELLYFISH INFESTED BEACHES.  Perhaps this will teach you to stand in the water making out while poor innocent children point and stare and while the rest of us (or maybe just me, but somewhere in the world I'm sure there are people who share my sentiments) turn up the music on the ipod and try to block out our peripheral vision as we read our books.

3.  ALL MEALS ARE "SERVICE FOR ONE."  I know I love going to a restaurant and watching you sit on your partner's lap and eat off of one plate even though there are seven different plates of food on your table.  I especially love it when you cleanse your palates with each others' tongues in between courses.  This special service will provide you with one chair, one plate, and one fork.  The savings just keep rolling in!

4.  NO SPA TREATMENTS OFFERED.  Watching you straddle each other at the beach and massage each other in plain daylight makes even the little kids gag.  Here on Honeymoon Island we know you won't use our spa services so we've cut them all together.  Just another way we're saving you money!

5.  NO REFUNDS, NO DISCUSSIONS, NO QUESTIONS.  Chances are you'll start fighting and hating each other in about five minutes, and we don't want to hear about it.  All payments are due up front and in full.  If you break up or get divorced before you get here, we don't care.  If you break up while you're here, please don't talk to us about it.  If you get here and you're completely disgusted by the repugnant displays of affection that are taking place all around you, welcome to how I feel.

Thank you and good night.

A note on beach etiquette

Here in Cefalù most people have learned that there are certain things you always do, sometimes do, and never do at the beach.  Then there are people who are completely clueless and make me hate them (on a side note, my desired secret power to to paralyze people with my death glare).  I am not at all frugal with my death glare and here are some of the things that might warrant it.

1.  When it's windy and you pick up your towel and shake your sand all over me, I will give you a death glare.  Likewise, if you walk by in flip flops and flip sand all over me, I will give you a death glare.  Finally, if your child runs by me, kicking sand onto me repeatedly I will give you a death glare.

2.  If you are making out with your significant other and I have to listen / watch / be witness I will give you a death glare and then get up and move.  You are gross and I don't want to hear your slurping noises.

3.  If you insist on chain smoking and blowing the smoke in my face I will give you a death glare, cough like I caught the plague, and then glare at you again.  Next year I'm going to get a bikini with a giant picture of my rotting lungs from your second hand smoke, how do you feel about that?!

4.  If you wear swim trunks and roll them up like they're a speedo I will give you a death glare and then wonder why you didn't just buy the speedo?

5.  If you and your sixty five annoying fifteen year old friends opt to sit right next to me and annoy me I will give you a death glare and possibly give you a lecture on why you're annoying.

On the other hand, there are many things that will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

1.  If you have yummy smelling sunscreen and you reapply at a reasonable interval, you will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

2.  If you organize your belongings nicely, lay yourself down, and read quietly or chat with friends, you will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

3.  If your kids are super cute and you're not an annoying overbearing parent (or one who has no control whatsoever), you will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

4.  If you go swimming, drip all over me and then apologize, you will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

5.  If you are normal and don't stare oddly at me, you will attract my "please, lay your things here in my vicinity" smile.

Ten questions I could stand never to answer again.

As a young hot single (read independent shy book nerd) girl in her late twenties, there are a series of questions I could stand to never answer again.  I'm sure you probably have gotten these too, but it's always good to remind the greater public just how thrilled we are to answer these questions.

1.  So, are you dating anyone?
Well . . . if I were and I like you I would have told you by now.  If I were and you don't know, there's probably a reason.  But in all likelihood, no, I'm not, but thank you for reminding me how single I am.  Please refer to Bridget Jones before speaking to me again.

2.  So . . . you teach Italian?  Like the language?
No, in America when we say Italian we mean applied physics.  Didn't you know?

3.  When you do you think you'll get married and settle down?
It's scheduled for five weeks from the 21st of March, 2014.  Perhaps you should refer to question 1 and then decide if that's really a pertinent question.

4.  What's Texas like?
It's probably me, but how am I supposed to answer that question?  And what are you really asking?  If people ride their horses to school in the morning and play with their spurs in class?  Texas is like everywhere else I've lived just hotter.

5.  You're 28 and you've already finished you're PhD?  How?
Well, to tell you the truth I'm 47.  And second, I lie.  I didn't even finish high school.  I don't have a good answer other than I went to school, stayed in school, finished school, and now I'm 28.

6.  Dov'è Termini?
Anyone, anyone?

7.  Why do you have two middle names?
Because on my planet we give all the promising ones two middle names.  That's how we weed out the aliens that will be sent to earth to conquer your people.

8.  Wow, you teach Italian?  That's cool.  So have you ever been to Italy?
Nope.

9.  How did you know you wanted to study Italian?
How did you know you wanted to study what you study?

10.  You're an Italian professor?  What's that like?
It's thrilling.  Most days I read books in French, translate them into German, and then recite them aloud in pig latin to my officemates.  My other degree is in cynicism . . . I think that's where I really excel.

8 tips for touring responsibly

Sooner or later, if you're like me, being called a tourist becomes extremely offensive.  Granted, I tend to travel to the same place year after year and no longer consider myself a tourist here.  When I go to new places, fine, yes, I'm a tourist and I don't mind if you call me that.  But I also think that, when touring, one should be responsible.  Here in Cefalù, tourists are SUPER easy to spot and therefore get charged double for their coffee, dinner, lunch, beach lounger, etc.  Now, if you're like me and have pale skin and red hair you will probably not be mistaken for a local in places like equatorial Africa, but I can proudly say that after 7 years, people FINALLY think I'm from here.  Even when I was in Pisa last week three different people asked me if I was Sicilian.  I said yes.  

In an effort to avoid the "evil tourist" tag, here are some things you might want to keep in mind as you travel.

1.  Avoid yelling (maybe I have sensitive ears, but why can't you use your inside voice?) in your native language in the middle of piazza duomo on your cell phone.  You're annoying everyone and just inviting people to charge your 3 euros for a cappuccino when the rest of us pay 1.30.

2.  While you may be doing a lot of walking and opt for tennis shoes, select socks that can easily be hidden in side of them (or just avoid gym shoes all together like me).  Furthermore, consider the country in which you are traveling.  Are you in Italy, the fashion capital of the world?  Then perhaps you should put a little effort into making sure you clothes match and that your jeans are long enough.  I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

3.  When going to a foreign country where you do not speak the language, you should make the effort to learn (if nothing else) a few useful phrases.  When you go to someone else's country, refuse to speak their language, and then are offended when they can't understand you, it makes you look like a big giant a** hole.  Even if you just learn "Hello, do you speak English?" you'll gain points.  Did you know that shop workers appreciate it when you pull our your phrase book and make much more of an effort to help you if they see you're making an effort to communicate with them?  

4.  Jorts are not appropriate for men in any country.  Period.

5.  When you stand in the middle of the street looking at your tour guide and then up at the sky and then at the tour guide and then at the sky again oblivious to the car and walking traffic around you and unaware that you're blocking everyone's path, you deserve to be pick-pocketed.  Yes, it's harsh, but wake up and get out of my way.

6.  If you go to a country that exercises the afternoon pausa don't get upset when at 2:30 most of the stores are closed.  Also keep in mind that most people don't eat dinner at 6:00 in the evening.  Most restaurants in the world don't even open until 7 or 7:30.  Plan accordingly and don't be surprised every day of your three week vacation.

7.  In a small town in Sicily you need to learn to what to share, what to keep to yourself, and what you should never talk about even though you saw it happen out in the open.  If you have any common sense, you shouldn't have too hard of a time figuring out what goes into what category.  Small towns are the same everywhere . . . think before you speak.

8.  Always be reminded that drinking yourself into oblivion is a stupid American pastime that is not well-respected around the world.  Drinking yourself into a stupor only makes you look like an idiot and the drunken American stereotype live for one more day.   

Welcome to Palermo where the players.....strangle each other with their belts

The last stop on Jeff and Jessica's excellent adventure was the trip from Rome back to Palermo and then Cefalù.  Of course things are always very exciting and of course there's at least one good story at some public place.  Yesterday's took place at the Palermo Centrale train station.

Jeff and I boarded our flight to Palermo and then got on the bus to take us to the train station.  When we got there, we bought out tickets and realized we had about half an hour to wait.  And then all of a sudden there was a little scuffle (which of course I missed because I'm ALWAYS looking the other way when something important happens) and Jeff goes, "Wow, there's a big fight over there."  Now Jeff, the responsible American, turned to walk the other way.  Guess what Jessica did?  Joined the other Sicilians and went right up to watch.  (In all fairness, you have to keep in mind that Sicilians tend to be watchers not fight breaker-uppers and even though there's a police station in the train station it always takes at least ten minutes for them to get there . . . so more than watching I was just making sure no one died before the police could intervene.)  Ok, so we missed the beginning of the fight so I'm not sure what the problem was, but man #1 was REALLY mad at man #2 (I'm assuming it had to do with petty crime . . . man #2 looked like he might be the type to try and steal someone wallet or man purse or something).  Anyway, man #1 had removed his belt, wrapped it around man #2's neck and was alternating between threatening to and actually trying to strangle him.  At some point two men in pink polo shirts with popped collars stepped in to try and remove the belt and at least make it a fair fight, but not with much success.  So then it settled down for a minute and then man #1 launched himself at man #2 again.  Somehow man #2 got free and took off through a bar (which really pissed off the bar owner) and down the street.  By the time we got outside to see what had happened man #2 was gone and man #1 was being held back by a veggie vendor.

At this point everyone started heading back inside and then we realized that the police were standing there.  Man #1 started screaming, "Now you show up?!  Now?!  I called you ten minutes ago!  Now he's gone!"  The police, in true Sicilian fashion, pointed at their watches explaining, "Sir, you called us and now we're here, that's how it works."  Anyway, then they all started yelling in Sicilian so I didn't get much of it, but they ended up taking man #1 back with them to question him.

You can't really get the true Italian experience without an altercation of some kind I truly believe, and seeing as no one got hurt, this one makes a good story I think.

In other news . . . Maureen and Tim introduced us to the debauchery that is the Jersey Shore filming in Florence this week.  They (we think there are 8 - oh dear lord) are working in a pizza shop (keep in mind they speak no Italian) and wreaking havoc on the lovely city the rest of the time.  By the time I left Florence I managed to walk though their filming three different times . . . whoopsie!  First we saw them working, then another day I was sitting outside the Cappelle Medicee and two of them walked by and then later that day another two or three were getting tattoos at a shop in Via Faenza.  We think we saw Snookie (although I thought she was really short, but Jeff said it was here) working at the pizza shop but some annoying producer yelled at us to keep moving before we could really register what was happening.  The only good thing is that the mayor of Florence made them write into the contract that they couldn't be filmed drinking in public in Florence.  I'm not sure if that means they get drunk at home first and then go out or they just go out and not on camera, but Maureen said she's heard them (she lives on one of the main streets in Florence) late at night trying to make their way home.  Lovely.  Even though Florence is full of Americans I hope they don't think that group is an accurate representation of what the majority of us are like.  That would be a tragedy . . . and this coming from an avid reality tv watcher (although Jersey Shore is one show I have never seen and have no intention of watching).

Now it's back to normal life here in Cefalù.  Oh Cefalù, we are such good friends . . .

And this is only halfway

Tomorrow my best friend Jeff will return to his birthplace of Italy accompanied by tour guide and translator, Jessica.  We will then proceed to spend ten days in true Jeff and Jessica fashion as we make our way across Lazio, through Tuscany, and then finishing with a grand finale in Sicily.  I expect this will finally be the wake up call for BravoTV to give me my own reality show.  

In honor of Jeffrey's impending visit, I will now recount the top five funniest moments of my trip so far......and this is only halfway!

1.  Today as I ate lunch at Non solo pane with Susannah a VERY creepy Italian (dressed from head to toe in powder blue) stared at us up and down the street.  And then proceeded to follow us.  He also tried to hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me it was destiny that brought us together.  Uh, no sicky mcsickerson, it was the voices in your head telling you that you're normal.

2.  I often sit in the administrative offices of a friend and check my email, use skype, etc.  There are also a graphic designer and an architect who share this space.  Today, the graphic designer is apparently suffering from some kind of intestinal parasite.  As I write this, I am being serenaded by a symphony of burts and farts and groans.  Lovely.  Glad I'm not shut up in there with him.

3.  A few weeks ago I went with some friends to a bar where one of them was received as a god.  Apparently his tattoos were so amazing that they made several of the locals kiss his tattooed arms.  Weird.

4.  Last night, in true Italian fashion, I got to witness the ultimate screaming fight.  My lovely neighbors were fighting for hours.  I got home around 1ish and they were still going strong at 3:30.  The girl kept claiming "You've ruined everything!" then slapping the boy, then storming out in a huff, and then pounding on the door since she failed to bring her keys with her.  Here's a tip honey, if you're going to storm out, storm out.  If you're going to keep coming back, bring your keys with you.  

5.  At a recent wine tasting several Germans got themselves so drunky drunk that they tried to translate directly and ended up talking about all sorts of crazy sex stuff.  It was a little awkward, a lot funny, and just a tiny bit weird all at the same time.  Rumor has it no one made it to class in top fashion the next morning.