You know you're an academic when...

So this weekend was the regional MLA conference for the South Central region and somehow or another I got roped into it.  I say that not because I don't like going to conferences, but because I really didn't even know I was going until about three weeks ago when I got a urgent message saying I still hadn't paid my registration fees.  So, I figured, well, what the heck?!

So, after class on Friday I got in the car and drive the 5 hours to Hot Springs ("boyhood home of President Bill Clinton" for those of you who aren't impressed).  But of course I misprinted the directions and in the dark in the middle of a dark and twisty road in rural in Arkansas with questionable looking characters at a gas station I'm locked in my car, asking my mom in Seattle asking her to google where I am and how far I have to go.

When I finally got to the hotel I found out that they were "pretty booked" and despite my reservation didn't actually have a room for me.  While the lame-o clerk didn't have the authority to do anything but ask repeatedly in a monotone voice what language I studied and why my hair dryer had that "thing" (aka diffuser) on the end of it, we anxiously awaited the supervisor to "find" me a room.  So I got an upgrade (to a room with a tub and shower rather than just a shower stall).  But it was also and end room that looked at the loading dock, didn't have any heat, and had paper thin walls.  Lovely.

So I ordered room service since I got the last parking spot a block down in the free garage and didn't feel like trekking back through the 3" puddle (surprise it was the last spot and I didn't feel like paying $15 for valet) to go back out and get food.  I ordered a taco salad.....and an hour later it showed up.  Granted, it was good when it got there.  It was also the hottest thing in the room (regular room temperature whereas I was clearly sitting in Arkansas's idea of an icebox).

This morning I got up early and went to register.  No one showed up to our panel.  And when I say no one.  I mean, we even begged the woman who came into steal a chair for the panel next door to stay.  We even asked some random passerby to listen in.  They both said no.  So we read to each other.  That was fun.  Or awkward.  You decide.

So, about thirteen hours after my arrival in the bustling metropolis of Hot Springs, AR I was headed back home.  And I like to sing int he car as much as the next guy, but 10 hrs in 24?  It's a little much.  But, I'm glad I went.  Turns out the three South Central Region Italiansts (2 + me that is) are AWESOME.  You probably already knew that (because I'm one of them), but let me just tell you again.  WE ROCK.  You should be jealous.  And you should come listen to the next panel so we aren't alone again.  Having to do it more than once would just be weird.

Communal peeing

Critics agree that Harley is a little outside the norm when it comes to mature kitties.  And his latest quirk?  He likes to pee every time I do.....even if he doesn't have to go.  And if I try to sneak into the bathroom?  He comes running (you'll remember he wears a purple rhinestoned collar with a bell) from wherever he is and takes a running leap into his litter box.  Weird right?  Not only!  The other day someone who doesn't live here was over and used the bathroom (of course closing the door) and Harley was beside himself!  When I went, he actually opened the door while I was doing the deed and took a big leap into his box and squeezed out a drop or two.  Yup, that's my cat.

Teacher hell

Of course we're all familiar with Dante's inferno, but did you know that teachers have their very own?  See now, what would you want to deal with for the rest of eternity?

 Circle 1: The wannabes - Those poor souls that want to be teachers but have no idea about the grading, endless hours of lesson planning, curriculum writing, grading, planning, grading, student meetings, grading, grading, grading.

Circle 2: Committee work - You always think it's not going to really be that big of a deal and then before you know it you're banging your head against the wall because half of your day was taken up by writing new committee requirements or trying to chase down the right person to give you the right verbiage so you're not opening up your committee to law suits.

Circle 3: Stalker students - They come in many forms.  There are those that just don't realize they are only one of 200 students you see on a daily basis.  Then there are the ones that have little crushes on you and can't stay away.  Then there are the weird creepy one that just keep showing up and you're really unclear on why.

Circle 4: Study abroad - Yes, putting it together can be a nightmare.  Yes, schlepping 30 wide-eyed Texans can be challenging, but dealing with a system that changes every year is the worst part.  Especially when they change it, don't tell you, and then expect you to know what to do next.

Circle 5: Incompletes - Apparently students don't know why incompletes exist or why you can't even issue one until the last part of the semester.  Don't you love it when they ask you the day before the drop deadline for an incomplete for the semester?

Circle 6: Finals - You'd think this would be at the bottom, but no.  Finals are bad, but at least you don't have to teach the next week.  You just have to grade like the wind so you can get your grades in on time.

Circle 7: Drop deadline day - This is the day when every student who is on the verge of failing shows up expecting you to tell them if they'll pass the class (no matter you haven't seen them in days and assumed they'd dropped a month earlier when they stopped showing up, turning in hw, or taking tests).  And then of course, it's your responsibility to have drop forms and all the information on the appropriate offices to drop all of these things off.

Circle 8: Day after drop deadline day - This is the day when every student (who hasn't shown up at all since day 1) realizes that they're now screwed because although they're too irresponsible to drop the class they're not attending, you didn't email them to remind them to do it.  Therefore, they're screwed, it's the teachers fault, and there's no way you could ever understand how complicated, difficult, and demanding their life is.

Circle 9: Midterms - Here's why they're bad: they all happen at the same time.  This week I have to grade two sets of second year midterms, one set of first year finals, two sets of second year compositions, one set of first year compositions, one set of third year midterms . . . and teach normal classes on top of that.

Kate, this one's for you

So a friend from high school thinks that my mature kitty, Harley, deserves his own blog.  I'm not sure he can commit to that seeing as he sleeps 23 hours a day and only wakes up to move to the next room and go back to sleep, we're going to test drive this idea.

Here's what Harley has to say about this week at Chez Jessica.

1.  I prefer to keep my eyes closed, or only open in tiny little slits, while I sleep, walk around, eat, and poop.  I don't know why people keep trying to get me to open my eyes.  It's weird.

2.  Since I'm neutered, I can't really say if I like boys or girls, but here are three things I do like: purple, rhinestones, jingle bells.  Thank you mommy for my new collar.  

3.  Dear wind: I don't like you.  That's why I try to bite you every time you come through the window.  

4.  My current obsessions are two: playing with my laser toy (and when I say playing I mean I chase it for about three minutes then I lie down and watch it for the next ten) and playing scrunch rug.  It's a very complicated game where I find every rug in the house and scrunch it up into a ball and make people trip. It's super fun.  You should try it.

5.  I don't like sitting water.  Why would I drink from the strategically placed water bowls when I can drink directly from the faucet and get nice, fresh, running water?

6.  I don't like to be held.  I don't like to open my mouth.  Therefore when Jessica holds me for more than three minutes I whine.  With my mouth closed.  It's sounds eerily like a 2-year old child.

7.  I like small spaces, this is why I have burrowed my very own fort in the bottom of the pageant gowns in the closet.  Forts are only cool if they include rhinestones and silk charmeuse.  

8.  Since people are starting to doubt my masculinity I have decided to sit spread eagle on the bed for at least ten minutes each day.  I try to hit the time when people are around too.

Harley: my flamboyant kitty child

Today I bought Harley a new collar since his humane society ugly yellow one was getting a little old.  So, if course I wanted the pink rhinestone one, but seeing as my ten year old mature kitty child is a man, I opted for purple rhinestones.  Obviously that's more manly.  But then I really started paying attention and guess what I noticed?  Harley's a little prissy.  Does your cat:

- drink prissily from the bathroom faucet but be very careful not to get his paws wet and track kitty footprints across the counter?

- do pageant feet when he sits and stares away from you?

- sleep between all of your fluffy pageant gowns all day and all night long?

- lick the gravy but avoid the solid pieces of his food?  What other cat is on a liquid diet?!

- flirt with the dogs who are pooping two floors below?

I think I got a one of a kind cat.  What do you think?

Oh no they didn't

One of my (sometimes unwanted) hidden talents is to be able to make people feel comfortable enough to share their feelings with me very very quickly.  Sometimes that's a good trait to have, other times it makes me want to reach out and slap people across the face.  First of all, if you wouldn't normally say something to someone else why must you say it to me?  Here's a list of this week's "Oh no they didn't" declarations.  And let me just tell you, oh yes they did.

1.  "Don't go falling in love with me."  What?!  How could I not?!  I mean, I always fall for self-righteous, self-centered, egotistical weirdos.  The questions is, do you really think that after talking to me for ten minutes that I just can't help by falling hopelessly in love with you?

2.  After I explained twice that we offer this particular class at 10, 12, and 2.  "But my class meets 9:30-11 so obviously I can't register for any of those class times."  I can't help you when you're in stupid mode.  Come find me when common sense has kicked back in.

3.  "I don't know why everyone thinks English is so hard."  Until you've tried to learn it or explain it to someone who doesn't speak English, you have no idea.  Ever tried explaining the difference between lead, lead, and led to a non-English speaker?  

4.  "You take people to Sicily?!  Isn't that dangerous?  I mean, what if the Mafia starts acting up."  No comment.  Except that you're an idiot.  

5.  "You're so busy you never have time to go out?  That's too bad.  Can you do this for me?"  Look, don't knock my schedule if you're just going to add things to it.  Thanks.

It's the end of the world as we know it

I've come to a realization: REM was right and I'm finally on board (anyone who knows me at all knows I'm anti-fad and I'm always a little behind the power curve.  So while everyone else gets on board with something in 2004, I might make my appearance in early 2008).  Here are the top ten signs that we're all about to kill ourselves off:

1.  Common sense seems to have taken a permanent leave of absence from about 98% of the population.
2.  People have stopped investigating anything and instead just blindly believe whatever they're told.
3.  Students have suddenly become elitist and entitled.  "I pay for this class, doesn't that mean I should pass it with flying colors while I do nothing, show up only sporadically, text while you're talking, and roll my eyes every time you call on me?"  Uh . . . . NO.
4.  Reality TV watchers think that what they're seeing is actual reality.  It's not . . . . nor will it ever be.
5.  Texas universities shut down for an entire week because of snow and ice.
6.  It snows and ices every year here in Texas yet the city doesn't own one salt truck, one sand truck, or even have snow plows that can attach to the city trucks in our time of need.  Uh . . . . if it snows every year and every year the city shuts down for days on end, buy a freaking snow plow and some salt!
7.  Paris Hilton is somehow still famous.  For nothing.
8.  I can hold my phone up to my face and see live shots of Italy while talking on skype on my wifi app. Obviously the machines are about two nanoseconds away from taking over the world.
9.  Beam me up technology is clearly still being kept secret and we're all a slave to TSA and endless flights and stinky passengers who have BO and fart in our directions.  Gross.
10.  Google books is trying to take all the real books away from us.  I still say you understand something 20x better when you can hold it in your hand and write on it.

The Mid-Semester Slump

My dearest darling students,

It's that time again: mid-semester slump time.  Granted, usually in the Fall the MSS comes after midterms, this year just seems to be extra tiring for everyone (and by everyone I include myself although ya'll seem to think I'm some sort of super-being that doesn't have any work or need for sleep).  But of course, you're students, so you either don't realize, ignore, or don't care that teachers have work too.  Now, there are many indicators that the MSS has arrived, and while these situations can pop up at any time, a combination of three more of the following definitely means the MSS has arrived.  Think for a moment, have you engaged in any of these situations?

- You roll your eyes even more than normal - which is completely inappropriate in itself.  Keep you eye rolling for the hallway and your home please.  Thank you.
- You conveniently forget (or more likely ignore) my "no technology" rule.  I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind.  I can see you texting under your desk and after I've said something three times, I just note it and drop your participation grade.
- You decide that arriving on time is no longer important (because what important information could be divulged in the first ten minutes of class?!).
- You stop doing your HW (always a good tactic when teetering on the edge of a grade).
- You ask me repeatedly when the next quiz will be even though I can see the syllabus sticking out of your notebook.  What do you think a syllabus is?  Why do you think I write it?  Why do you think I killed trees making hard copies and handing it out to you the first week of class?
- You feel the need to lecture me on how hard your schedule is, that you have more than one class, etc.  I know you never consider this, but you're not my only student, so point taken.

Well, my little lovelies, believe it or not, I've been there.  And not just me.  All teachers.  Or maybe you forgot.....we all have masters degrees, some of us even have PhDs.  I'm sure that when you call me Dr. Greenfield you don't realize it means that not only did I finish college (and listen, if you can't handle my class you wouldn't have been fed to the wolves the first day of my college experience), and I also happened to finish seven years of graduate school too.  And in a crowning achievement, I actually published a dissertation while working full time and taking care of you wee little ones.  But yes, you're right.  Your life is so much harder than mine ever was.  There's no way I could ever understand what you're going through or how hard it is to learn Italian.  I was miraculously born as a perfect being with a perfect accent, a brain that soaks up new languages through osmosis, and I have 18 arms so grading and writing tests is a breeze.  Five minutes at most.

So here is my request to you: please stop acting like an idiot, remind yourself that the world is not all about you, and stop complaining to me.  Telling me how hard you life is doesn't make me feel bad for you, it only makes me feel good about the fact that I never complained to my professors about the college experience because now I know what it looks like from their perspective (and it's not a good impression, if you're wondering).  Also, my life is hard too, but do I walk in and spend half the class-time complaining to you?  When I do, that's your cue that you should fill the second half of the class with your own complaints.  But until then, NO MORE COMPLAINING!

A new phase of Jessica

Today was a big step in my life . . . . the new phase of Texas Jessica.  Now, it's true that I've already lived here for almost two and a half years, but I've finally given in and bought and worn my first pair of cowboy boots.  Here are my observations:

1.  I have not yet mastered how these girls pull them off with dresses and walk so lady-like.  I felt clunky and heavy.  I'm not used to super thick heels I think.

2.  People say you have to wear them in until they really fit your feet.  Either I have one weird ankle bone or my right boot is fighting me.  It rubs nowhere but on my inside right ankle bone.

3.  Socks.  One of my mother's worst pet peeves about me is that I refuse to wear socks.  And in all actuality, it's been years since I've worn socks anywhere other than the gym.  I hate them, they don't feel right, they fall down, and they make your feet sweat.  But it turns out there's no wearing cowboy boots without socks.  I will have to reconcile this displeasure in some way.

Well, that's all of my observations.  

In other news, I spent another six hours in the office today.  Luckily for me, though, Peggy showed up part way through and that is always nice because it allows me to see out a window and not completely loose touch with the world.  We also decided the following three things:

1.  This semester is worse than others.  I spent six hours catching up and getting ahead only to realize that next week I have to turn in the book orders for Spring 2012 and the schedule for Fall 2012.  Oh good.....that means I also have to settle on, design, and pick books for the upper division course I'll be teaching next semester.  

2.  The weather only gets gloomy and rainy when we're finally finishing up our work and heading outside.

3.  If we were to be paid hourly (even at minimum wage), we'd be rich rich rich.  Wouldn't that be nice.

That's what we call karma.

So last night Susannah and I went to a sneak peak of the new remake of Footloose (for free! thanks to Susannah's internet surfing skills) and had a great time.  We got pink Footloose shirts (which are oddly small) and Footloose engraved sunglasses plus about a million posters.  Anyway, about half way through the movie we both realized that not only did all the actors look really really short, but oddly out of proportion.  We decided it was probably some weird camera angle to try not to reveal how short the Renn McCormack character actually is.  It's probably the same one they always use for people like Tom Cruise, but for some reason it didn't quite work this time.

Ok, so after the movie we went to Sundance Square and had dinner at Piranha Sushi (because god forbid Susannah and I should eat anything other than sushi when we're together) and then to a concert by this cool cover band.  Now you should probably know that Susannah's nickname could be mini-barbie.  She's super cute and even when she wears her giant platforms I'm guessing she's about . . . . 5'6?  Well, I'm 5'8 and generally wear 3-4" shoes.  So I turn to Susannah as we walk into the crowded patio, "If I'm not taller than 75% of the guys here I'll pay you a million dollars."  Guess what?  My bank account is still intact.  BUT, turns out that karma didn't like that little friendly bet and guess what happened?  I threw my back out again.  How is that karma you ask?  Because now I can't really stand straight up and wouldn't dare risk falling off 3" heels today.  Yup, this is clearly the big man's way of showing me what it's like to be shorter.