I generally don't preach my conspiracy theories, but can we all agree that beam--me-up-technology is probably developed but being kept under wraps so the airline industry doesn't tank any more than it already has? If you don't agree, think about it for a while.....I promise you'll be on my side in about an hour.
I had the lovely pleasure to travel to Baltimore this weekend and I'm pretty sure I got to experience every nasty, annoying, stupid thing people do when they are cattle herded, shoeless and beltless, through giant metal detectors that are probably giving us all cancer. I could go on forever, but here are the top 5 most annoying things that happened last night.
1. The man behind me in the security line seemed to have some kind of turrets (at least I hope so because otherwise there's no excuse). Every 3.2 seconds he hiccuped, burped (read big fat beer belch), farted, gurgled, or spit into his handkerchief. It was disgusting. And to top it all off, he wouldn't cover his mouth so he was blowing all his yuckiness toward the back of my head....ewww.
2. The big haired Dallas woman who plopped down next to me, removed her shoes, and propped her bare, peeling feet on her suitcase (about 2 feet away from my bagel) felt the need to clear her throat every 90 seconds. And when I say "clear her throat" I mean she made some kind of super deep, old man grumble in her throat that made our whole bench shake. Lovely. I pretty much wanted to wipe cream cheese all over her feet and then make her swallow a whole bag of cough drops.
3. The sweaty man next to me, the same one who refused to remove his cowboy hat (which was accompanied by grey gym shorts and a matching threadbare tshirt) insisted on leaning on me the whole flight. That and updating his facebook status every five minutes with how many miles we'd traveled. I know in-flight WiFi is a new cool thing, but are you so important that an update needs to be made every three minutes? I think not.
4. Listen, this whole boarding zones thing is a racket. I don't get it....there's no rhyme or reason to how you get put into a zone, but whatever. Back to my point. When your plane is delayed an hour and you want to get home on the late night Monday of the three day weekend, why do you think you're the only one who should get on the plane first? And why do you get to take three bags on when the rest of us get one and a "personal time"? But please, run your raggedy a** suitcase over my feet and cut in front of the other twenty people in line, it's all about you. Go ahead, really, it's fine.
5. When you run an airport, you may have heard that accessible exits are an important aspect of public safety. So, when my plane (stuffed with 187 people) gets in an hour and a half late at 11:00pm and we all want to go home, why have you dismantled the main exit door? Thanks for making us all squish one by one through a geriatric revolving door. I love waiting for 20 minutes just to get out of the secure zone. Way to go DFW....I hate your signage, your stupid tolls, and now I hate your exit doors.
So now, I prefer to only travel through Star Trek technology. Who's with me?
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