Dear students, here is another pearl of wisdom to store away for a rainy day. Distributing D's and F's is, has always been, and will always be WAY more traumatic for your teacher than it is for you. Do you know why? Because if you ended up with an F (especially if you've received an F in the same class more than once) you probably don't care very much. Yes, everyone has a bad semester. Yes, everyone excels at different things. But folks, if you really cared, you'd be in my office every day like some other students. And guess what? You weren't.
I know you don't believe me when I say this, but grading is traumatic. You like to think we're all out to get you, make you feel stupid, trick you on the exams, and that we frame the worst exams and make fun of them in our spare time. Only two of those things are true. Just kidding, NONE of them are true. We are on your side!
Why do you think we teach? It certainly isn't for the glamour. It's not for the spacious offices or the shiny new buildings. And guess what? Even though we "get the summers off" most of us work through them, carting you around Europe trying to make sure that only a few of you end up in the ER and that the injuries are kept to a minimum. Even when we're "not working," we are. Do you think there's only one textbook out there? Do you think the syllabi magically appear? Do you think I can go online and find a syllabus, texts, writing prompts, lecture notes, and historical information for my literature survey course? No. So, believe me when I tell you that we teach you because we really do want you to learn this stuff.
So, yet another semester has come to a close. I have failed several students for the second time, some for the first. And guess what? I've spend the last three hours in this office trying to rework my grading system to bump you up as much as I can. I have curved tests, rounded up all semester, excused your lowest missed assignment, and even given some grace points on things that I shouldn't have. There's only so much I can do for you. And so, grades have been turned in and now I will brace myself for the emails and phone calls (please don't send your parents after me, you're a grown up in training now and mommy should let you handle this one on your own). Believe me, it hurts me to give you an F.....but when I look back at the semester as a whole and I see that you never turned in any homework, can I really help it? Food for thought.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's not always greener
Dear students: Once again, you've made that oh so annoying mistake of forgetting that all (yes, each and every single one) of your teachers has taken more finals than you can ever dream of, and that you complaining to us about it does nothing in your attempt to make us feel bad for you. But here is something else to consider: you will take 4, 5, 6 finals this week? You'll spend the next day or two cramming the information that we were hoping you would have been reviewing all along, and then you'll spit it out on the paper, turn it in, forget most of that oh so valuable knowledge and move on. What do you think I will be doing for the next few days? GRADING! COMPUTING FINAL GRADES! MAKING THE WORLD'S LARGEST PAPER TRAIL SO THAT IF YOU, FOR WHATEVER REASON, THINK I'VE ARBITRARILY ASSIGNED THE WRONG GRADE TO YOU, I CAN GO BACK AND ACCOUNT FOR EACH AND EVERY TENTH OF A PERCENTAGE POINT THAT HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THAT GRADE!
Let's look at my semester as an example. This semester I taught 4 courses, coordinated 9, and managed 3 part time instructors. That means, not only will I grade 27 7+ page papers, I'll also grade 40 6 page exams and 14 6 page finals. Then I will compute grades, compile them, store them away in my super secret stash (where they'll stay for 7 years until I can finally dispose of them confidentially) and then collect the grades, exams, and paperwork from the other instructors of Italian. You, by that time, will be on your way home to eat mom's chocolate chip cookies, complain about the impossible hearing of your Italian professor who caught you texting each and every time you did it in class, and adamantly refuse to acknowledge that the syllabus did in fact explain that your lack of attendance would result in a 0 in the attendance grade.
Obviously we teachers will grade our little hearts out and only complain to each other about because we love you....even though you mostly treat us like mildly stinky cheese found in the far corner of your refrigerator. It's ok though, one day you'll appreciate us. Or not, whatever. So, all I'm saying is, we've been there, done that, passed the test, and gone on to now attempt to teach you how to take an exam. Most of you probably opted not to listen (it's fine, your loss not mine) and will grumble through this test. One day I'll explain exactly why we test you on things (and no, it has less than nothing to do with trying to make you look bad, forcing you to learn obsolete information, or trying to make it impossible for you to get an A) but for now, please just don't complain to me any more about how hard your finals week is. I've been doing finals week (in heels, no less) since before you were born and I still look really good doing it. You'll live.
Let's look at my semester as an example. This semester I taught 4 courses, coordinated 9, and managed 3 part time instructors. That means, not only will I grade 27 7+ page papers, I'll also grade 40 6 page exams and 14 6 page finals. Then I will compute grades, compile them, store them away in my super secret stash (where they'll stay for 7 years until I can finally dispose of them confidentially) and then collect the grades, exams, and paperwork from the other instructors of Italian. You, by that time, will be on your way home to eat mom's chocolate chip cookies, complain about the impossible hearing of your Italian professor who caught you texting each and every time you did it in class, and adamantly refuse to acknowledge that the syllabus did in fact explain that your lack of attendance would result in a 0 in the attendance grade.
Obviously we teachers will grade our little hearts out and only complain to each other about because we love you....even though you mostly treat us like mildly stinky cheese found in the far corner of your refrigerator. It's ok though, one day you'll appreciate us. Or not, whatever. So, all I'm saying is, we've been there, done that, passed the test, and gone on to now attempt to teach you how to take an exam. Most of you probably opted not to listen (it's fine, your loss not mine) and will grumble through this test. One day I'll explain exactly why we test you on things (and no, it has less than nothing to do with trying to make you look bad, forcing you to learn obsolete information, or trying to make it impossible for you to get an A) but for now, please just don't complain to me any more about how hard your finals week is. I've been doing finals week (in heels, no less) since before you were born and I still look really good doing it. You'll live.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
My superpowers
Hello children. I have a theory that everyone has at least one superpower (or at least the people that natural selection isn't trying to kill off stealthily). Some people (like me) have several - I know, I'm amazing; it's ok, you can admit it. I'm sure you're now wondering what my superpowers are. I will list them for you now (has anyone figured out that this is my tribute to Baz Luhrmann?).
1. SUPER SENSES - My mother thinks it's weird that I smell and touch everything, but you can't deny your nature now, can you? And I can hear things that no one else can (perhaps I was oringally slated for a dog or something?).....including whispering students' voices who think they're outsmarting their professoressa, sneaky texting students who don't think I can tell that they're infatuated with some senseless texting convo. inside their backpack while I'm trying to impart wisdom and knowledge. I used to think it was just my sense of smell, but it turns out it's all of my senses. I think I was probably supposed to be some kind of caped superheroine but then I somehow mistakenly got lost and went to graduate school instead. Whoopsie. Whatever, SUPER DOCTOR is a fine title. That is the only name I will respond to come May.
2. ULTRA MAGNETISM - If you know me at all, you've probably come to realize that I attract quite a few.....weirdos (not you of course, it's everyone else). For some reason, I was entrusted with an ability to seek out all the freaks in the world and then make them comfortable enough to profess a never ending stream of inappropriate comments (again, this is not you, it's everyone else). I'm sure this trait will come in handy one of these days......I just haven't figured out how yet.
3. SUPER OBSERVATION - Turns out that observation is not a skill with which everyone is blessed. It's a shame really, you have no idea how handy it is to be able to know strange details of peoples' lives after a five minute conversation or a two minute perusal of their facebook page. I also think people don't realize that I can listen and remember. If you tell me something once, I'll remember. Therefore, my dearest darling students, don't lie to professoressa......I will ALWAYS know you're lying. Even if I let you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt one day. You've been warned.
So, friends, what are your superpowers? I think we should pool our resources and take over the world.
1. SUPER SENSES - My mother thinks it's weird that I smell and touch everything, but you can't deny your nature now, can you? And I can hear things that no one else can (perhaps I was oringally slated for a dog or something?).....including whispering students' voices who think they're outsmarting their professoressa, sneaky texting students who don't think I can tell that they're infatuated with some senseless texting convo. inside their backpack while I'm trying to impart wisdom and knowledge. I used to think it was just my sense of smell, but it turns out it's all of my senses. I think I was probably supposed to be some kind of caped superheroine but then I somehow mistakenly got lost and went to graduate school instead. Whoopsie. Whatever, SUPER DOCTOR is a fine title. That is the only name I will respond to come May.
2. ULTRA MAGNETISM - If you know me at all, you've probably come to realize that I attract quite a few.....weirdos (not you of course, it's everyone else). For some reason, I was entrusted with an ability to seek out all the freaks in the world and then make them comfortable enough to profess a never ending stream of inappropriate comments (again, this is not you, it's everyone else). I'm sure this trait will come in handy one of these days......I just haven't figured out how yet.
3. SUPER OBSERVATION - Turns out that observation is not a skill with which everyone is blessed. It's a shame really, you have no idea how handy it is to be able to know strange details of peoples' lives after a five minute conversation or a two minute perusal of their facebook page. I also think people don't realize that I can listen and remember. If you tell me something once, I'll remember. Therefore, my dearest darling students, don't lie to professoressa......I will ALWAYS know you're lying. Even if I let you lie, it will come back to bite you in the butt one day. You've been warned.
So, friends, what are your superpowers? I think we should pool our resources and take over the world.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
You might be cut out for academia if....
To all who think being a college professor is a cushy job: you've never been more wrong. You're so wrong there's not even a way to express how wrong you are. It's not a job for the faint of heart, the wishy-washy, or the gentle talker. If you can't say NO and stand firm no matter what the heck people come up with as an excuse, you cannot do this job. However, if you possess some of the following qualities, you might be cut out for academia.
You might be cut out for academia if.....
1. You spend 60 hours a week preparing for your 13 hours of teaching. And then another 40 grading.
2. You are ok with sleeping an average of 4-5 hours a night and dreaming about the papers that you didn't get around to grading.
3. You don't mind when people repeatedly tell you they understand and then it becomes extremely evident that they didn't when you grade their tests.
4. You don't get beaten down when teaching the same grammar point four days a week for three weeks straight and then on the quiz, 50% of your students still don't get it.
5. You don't mind when students blame you for their inadequacies and inability to read, write, or manage their own lives at all.
6. You enjoy being solely responsible for 29 crazy 20 year olds in a country where they can drink whenever, wherever and only sort of speak the language. Good times, my friends, good times. If you haven't gotten the Italian ER call at 3am, you haven't lived.
7. You can manage numerous assistants - read you can take the blame for their errors but allow the praise for your own work to be credited to them on occasion.
8. You can stand for the question "Do you have any questions?" to be met with complete and utter silence.
9. You can win a staring contest. If you can't stare down your students who refuse to answer you in class, you'll never make it. I'm considering shaving my eyebrows into angry brows ala Rob Rix circa 1996.
10. You can make disjunctive pronouns fun. Turns out students like stupid songs and a dance to go along with it.
So my dearest friends, please evaluate very closely your goals in life. You don't want to end up bitter and sleep deprived with a big a** pile of papers to grade.
You might be cut out for academia if.....
1. You spend 60 hours a week preparing for your 13 hours of teaching. And then another 40 grading.
2. You are ok with sleeping an average of 4-5 hours a night and dreaming about the papers that you didn't get around to grading.
3. You don't mind when people repeatedly tell you they understand and then it becomes extremely evident that they didn't when you grade their tests.
4. You don't get beaten down when teaching the same grammar point four days a week for three weeks straight and then on the quiz, 50% of your students still don't get it.
5. You don't mind when students blame you for their inadequacies and inability to read, write, or manage their own lives at all.
6. You enjoy being solely responsible for 29 crazy 20 year olds in a country where they can drink whenever, wherever and only sort of speak the language. Good times, my friends, good times. If you haven't gotten the Italian ER call at 3am, you haven't lived.
7. You can manage numerous assistants - read you can take the blame for their errors but allow the praise for your own work to be credited to them on occasion.
8. You can stand for the question "Do you have any questions?" to be met with complete and utter silence.
9. You can win a staring contest. If you can't stare down your students who refuse to answer you in class, you'll never make it. I'm considering shaving my eyebrows into angry brows ala Rob Rix circa 1996.
10. You can make disjunctive pronouns fun. Turns out students like stupid songs and a dance to go along with it.
So my dearest friends, please evaluate very closely your goals in life. You don't want to end up bitter and sleep deprived with a big a** pile of papers to grade.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
10 things you don't know about me
My dearest darling students: you have no idea who I am. You think you know, in fact, you even like to tell me (in an extremely flawed manner) about my own life. So, in an effort to show you that I am not the person you think I am, here are 10 (from a list of about 100,000,000,000) things you don't know about me.
1. I went skydiving for my 20th birthday and will do so on every cardinal birthday from now until I die.
2. I am the most talented multi-tasker you will ever meet. I watch TV and listen to the radio at the same time on a regular basis and can juggle more than you'd ever believe.
3. I am now, and will always be, the only professor in your life that grades things from one class meeting to the next. Even if the turn around time is less than a day and even if what I'm grading is a series of long, error-riddled papers.
4. I am a pageant girl - I've competed in 5 states, 3 systems, and I'm not done yet.
5. I base my outfit on my shoes and get dressed from the bottom up.
6. My goal in life is to be an FBI Special Agent...and yes, I am on my way there.
7. I am probably the most observant person you'll ever meet. I can tell you things about your own life, very detailed things, that would probably scare you. Don't underestimate me. I can see what you're doing when I have my back turned and my ultra-sensitive ears can hear your silly little conversations about things that have no business in my classroom.
8. I hate winter holidays.
9. I don't believe in extra credit. Welcome to life biotches.
10. I can always find the answer. You should always start with me, it will save you time in the end.
1. I went skydiving for my 20th birthday and will do so on every cardinal birthday from now until I die.
2. I am the most talented multi-tasker you will ever meet. I watch TV and listen to the radio at the same time on a regular basis and can juggle more than you'd ever believe.
3. I am now, and will always be, the only professor in your life that grades things from one class meeting to the next. Even if the turn around time is less than a day and even if what I'm grading is a series of long, error-riddled papers.
4. I am a pageant girl - I've competed in 5 states, 3 systems, and I'm not done yet.
5. I base my outfit on my shoes and get dressed from the bottom up.
6. My goal in life is to be an FBI Special Agent...and yes, I am on my way there.
7. I am probably the most observant person you'll ever meet. I can tell you things about your own life, very detailed things, that would probably scare you. Don't underestimate me. I can see what you're doing when I have my back turned and my ultra-sensitive ears can hear your silly little conversations about things that have no business in my classroom.
8. I hate winter holidays.
9. I don't believe in extra credit. Welcome to life biotches.
10. I can always find the answer. You should always start with me, it will save you time in the end.
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