If my dissertation were a person....

This weekend I was struck by a disturbing visual image:

Well....sort of.  Those of you who studied with me in the frozen tundra may have already figured out who I think this ugly baby (the new nickname for the Big D) resembles.  A disheveled absent-minded professor (minus the brilliance) whose socks are so old they don't have any more elastic so they sit in little pools around his ankles, whose belt is just a little too big so by the end of the day the front of his pants have migrated over to his left hip from the repeated one-handed pulling up of the pants, whose magnificent mane of hair never ceases to break the rules of gravity and whose glassy eyes never really reveal quite what he's thinking, or if he's thinking at all at that moment.  Yes dear friends, my ugly baby would be.....well, I'll leave that up to you to figure out.

I just can't get on board with that!

As most of you know I'm a reality show junkie.  Real housewives, Flipping Out, Kathy Griffin, Amazing Race....I love them all.  However, this recent string of reality shows has taken a turn for the worst and I've actually had to invest in Netflix instead of watching them (a big step for an anti-Netflix person).  Here are the top 5 reality shows that I just can't buy into and why.

1.  The Bachelor: I read in US Weekly that this bachelor already had a show.  I can't remember what happened....obviously they broke up, but I find it weird that they can't find some other guy.  Plus, of all the seasons of bachelor and bachelorette, isn't Trista the only one that worked out?  I don't now how many seasons there have been, but it's obviously NOT WORKING!  Here's the other thing: you're all basically making out with each other!!!  If he kisses girl A and then girl B comes along and kisses him, then girl A and girl B just kissed each other!  I think there are like 25 girls.....that's a whole lotta yucky if you ask me. And I'm pretty sure the "fantasy suite" has some hanky panky going on which means, again, THAT'S A WHOLE LOTTA YUCK!

2.  Jersey Shore: What do you people do?  Drink too much, get in fights, demand exorbitant amounts of money to appear at events....and all in front of a camera.  The only tidbit I every watched included one guy not wanting to make out with some girls, so his buddy came along and had a threesome with them in a dirty bar bathroom.  Then they all went home, peed in the hot tub, and yelled at the girls until one cried and the other punched the refrigerator.  Why would I watch that?

3.  Real Housewives of Atlanta: Annoying.  None of you even like each other, you can't sing, one of you is pregnant buy your married-to-someone-else-sugardaddy (or maybe an NFL player?), another screams at her soon-to-be-ex-husband in front of the camera while giving marriage advice to the run-away-bride, and then the others just sort of drift in and out without really contributing anything to the show.  Lame.  Boring.  Stupid.

4.  Survivor: I've never seen a whole season, and maybe that's the problem, but come on!  You're on season, what?  85?  How entertaining is it to watch people get eaten alive by tzi tzi flies and attempt to avoid skin cancer while living on some remote island on the equator without any sunscreen?  Any why are their challenges stupid things like holding your arms out to the side for as long as possible.  How does that earn you a scoop of rice, or a real shower, or a pair of sunglasses?  I think there needs to be a new show, new location, new host, and new challenges.

5.  Tabatha's Salon Takeover: This woman travels around to different cities fixing salons and helping them turn around their business.  There is no doubt a cockroach, a wad of dirty hair, unwashed towels, and most likely a pissy receptionist who can't answer the phone.  But....where is your salon?  Shouldn't the show be focused on your success rather than some crappy salons dirty nasty bad business?  Maybe it's better for stylists and I just don't get it because I can't understand the intricacies of the salon business....but then shouldn't you explain that better?  Anyway.  The whole "Give me your keys.  I'm taking over" things is a little tired for me.

Clearly, Bravo TV should be calling me.  How do I get a job telling them what shows are good and which ones are flops?  Obviously that was my true calling and I got lost in the language wing when I was in college.  Bravo TV, I await your call.

5 new semester survival tips

Welcome back my lovelies....it's January and the new semester has started.  Here are 5 tips for making a good start of the semester impression.

1.  Show up - Every professor inevitably receives this phone call on the first day of class: "I didn't know I was registered for that class so I didn't know I needed to come today."  Hmmm....if you didn't register for classes, who did it for you?  And if someone did it for you, why have you not learned how to do that for yourself yet?  "Tales of your inadequacies bore me."  I don't really care that you weren't there, just don't ask me to reteach day 1 in my office tomorrow.

2.  Hide your tired-head - We know you've been out of school for a month, but did you not get the memo that school started today?  Believe me, we know you're a little rusty on the academic discussion thing.....but close your mouth and take that blank stare off your face!  Fake it till you make it!

3.  Get dressed - Yet again please get dressed for school.  No one will take you less seriously than if you roll out of bed and come straight to class.  I don't even really care if you wear sweats if they're clean, or 1992 stonewash jeans, but please leave your PJs at home.

4.  Put your phone away - Yes, you've had four weeks to stare unblinkingly at your phone, but welcome back to my class.  If you know me at all, you know I'm anti-technology.  Perhaps you also haven't put together that while you sit in your desk looking at me, I stand in the front of the room looking at you.  I can see you better than you can see me......which means I CAN SEE YOU TEXTING IN YOUR BAG!  Put your phone away!  Nothing can be more important than the wisdom I'm teaching you right now!

5.  Take notes - Even if you think it's not important, it is.  Why would we tell you these things if they didn't matter?  WRITE IT DOWN!  Or at least pretend.

Happy studying to all.