We're headed towards midterms and it's that time of year when students feel the need to complain to their teachers about how busy they are. WE KNOW! We've already finished school (and a whole lot more than you by the way) and we've already been through that. The whole point of midterms is that they happen at the mid point of the semester. Surprise! That's the same time for every class! So are finals. Do you think that life makes a list of everything you have going on and kindly schedules your midlife crisis around your child's birthday and your car breaking down. Of course not! This is training for real life. If you can't handle midterms, you're going to have a very challenging life!
Here are a few things to remember:
1. We know you're busy. Believe it or not, all of your teachers have been through college, and graduate school, written a dissertation, and many of them have families as well. We don't complain to you, please don't complain to us. You signed up for school, so own it!
2. Our to do lists are, and always will be, WAY longer than yours. I'm looking at my Sunday afternoon to do list and it has 28 items listed on it. I must, no exceptions, complete all of those things today. I also have a weekly to do list that includes another 50 or 60 items that have to fit into my "free time" this week.
3. I'm in school too! I have already completed 4 years of college, 5 years of graduate school, and I'm currently finishing my dissertation WHILE teaching full time. Your sob story of having to write a 5 page paper for me over the next four days does not stir me. Try writing a book while working 70 hours a week.
4. Grading takes half as long as writing. If it takes you two hours to write a composition, it will take me about an hour to grade it. Multiply that by my 120 students and then come cry to me about your busy busy schedule.
5. I write the tests....of course I know how hard they are! Perhaps you're unaware, but test writing is an art. How many communicative activities can you come up with that test direct and indirect object pronouns without putting too much emphasis on other skills? I've been teaching for 7 years now, so that means I've written at least 28 different activities on this one particular grammar element. Take a guess on how many hours of my life have been spent on test writing.
So, my dear students, get over yourselves. Telling us you're busy does not accomplish anything. We are too. Furthermore, telling me that you have "literally only six hours" over the next seven days to write your paper does nothing but tell me you have poor time management skills. I too went to college. I also was a NCAA Division I athlete in college who practiced an average of 6-7 hours a day. Furthermore, I traveled A LOT for swim meets and had to work around those crazy schedules to get my work done. I also had a job and volunteered in the community. Yes, I know what it means to be busy, and I feel for you, but please don't waste my time telling me how your life is so much more busy than mine. It's annoying.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
A note on appropriate classroom attire
Apparently there's a misconception among today's college students that they do not have to dress appropriately to come to school. Let me set a few guidelines. It may or may not (read may) be a good idea to follow these guidelines in the future.
Do not come to school in your pajamas. All that does is tell me that you have zero time management skills. Are you unable to set an alarm clock? Or do you just not care than you're coming to school in clothes that are filled with dead skin cells from last night. Furthermore, you're probably a wrinkled mess.....and that's a lot coming from me who doesn't believe in ironing. But really, people, come on!
Do not come to school in shorts so short that I can actually see the crease where your butt and your upper thigh meet. Just because they sell slutty clothes does not mean you should buy them. If you do feel the need to buy them, save them for the discoteca folks. School is for learning in PG clothing.
Do not wear shoes in which you cannot walk. Sure, we all have shoes that seem fine until you walk out of the house. But then you retire those shoes to the rack that you only wear to seated events. Why would you repeatedly wear shoes that make you walk like you have a clubbed foot?
Do not wear see through clothing. It makes me think that you cannot afford to pay for school and so you work at the local strip joint and your boss wouldn't let you off in time to go home and change. I'm not judging, but my mind wanders.
Do not wear three different plaids. If you think they go together, I seriously doubt your ability to match subjects, verbs, and adjectives since you clearly cannot tell what goes and what doesn't.
Do not wear your nasty sweaty gym clothes. Sometimes you can't smell yourself when you stink, but I CAN!
Do not wear that shirt that you cut the sleeves off of. If your muscles are good enough to show off, they'll look good without tattering up your clothing.
Do not wear a dress so short that you cannot sit down. Perhaps you're not familiar with modern American schooling methods, but we generally provide desks and chairs and we encourage you to sit in them while we offer you knowledge and wisdom. If you are too worried about your little thong hanging out, you're probably not listening to the knowledge I'm trying to offer you.
I realize that there are many designers out there that will try and convince you that tutus, tennis shoes, and tattered tshirts are high fashion. They are lying. Don't get sucked into all that crap. Dress appropriately and then I won't have to worry about the fact that you cannot manage to dress yourself, so how will you ever learn Italian. Many thanks.
Do not come to school in your pajamas. All that does is tell me that you have zero time management skills. Are you unable to set an alarm clock? Or do you just not care than you're coming to school in clothes that are filled with dead skin cells from last night. Furthermore, you're probably a wrinkled mess.....and that's a lot coming from me who doesn't believe in ironing. But really, people, come on!
Do not come to school in shorts so short that I can actually see the crease where your butt and your upper thigh meet. Just because they sell slutty clothes does not mean you should buy them. If you do feel the need to buy them, save them for the discoteca folks. School is for learning in PG clothing.
Do not wear shoes in which you cannot walk. Sure, we all have shoes that seem fine until you walk out of the house. But then you retire those shoes to the rack that you only wear to seated events. Why would you repeatedly wear shoes that make you walk like you have a clubbed foot?
Do not wear see through clothing. It makes me think that you cannot afford to pay for school and so you work at the local strip joint and your boss wouldn't let you off in time to go home and change. I'm not judging, but my mind wanders.
Do not wear three different plaids. If you think they go together, I seriously doubt your ability to match subjects, verbs, and adjectives since you clearly cannot tell what goes and what doesn't.
Do not wear your nasty sweaty gym clothes. Sometimes you can't smell yourself when you stink, but I CAN!
Do not wear that shirt that you cut the sleeves off of. If your muscles are good enough to show off, they'll look good without tattering up your clothing.
Do not wear a dress so short that you cannot sit down. Perhaps you're not familiar with modern American schooling methods, but we generally provide desks and chairs and we encourage you to sit in them while we offer you knowledge and wisdom. If you are too worried about your little thong hanging out, you're probably not listening to the knowledge I'm trying to offer you.
I realize that there are many designers out there that will try and convince you that tutus, tennis shoes, and tattered tshirts are high fashion. They are lying. Don't get sucked into all that crap. Dress appropriately and then I won't have to worry about the fact that you cannot manage to dress yourself, so how will you ever learn Italian. Many thanks.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
You know you're a teacher if.....
1. Your desk is a rainbow of Post-It notes so deep you can't even see the bottom layer.
2. You receive more than 50 emails a day.....most of which are asking about the homework for today's class.
3. Your students follow you around and visit even when it's not your office hours.
4. You have red pens stashed in every pocket of every purse you own.
5. You stock up on white board markers and colored chalk when it's on sale at Staples.
6. You carry around scratch paper and diagram sentences for people at dinner parties.
7. You respond to the following without being frustrated or annoyed: "Uh......Professoressa......I don't know what's going on right now."
8. You often wear black clothing and discover a white line across your butt because you leaned against the chalkboard in first period and didn't realize it until now (7pm).
9. You don't know how people live without knowing what Worldcat.org is.
10. You actually want people to interrupt with questions when you talk.
Ahh yes, the joys of being a teacher. Life settles into something pretty deranged sometimes. I now hoard white board markers and have developed a pretty complex Post-It notes system. I also have piles which make no sense to anyone and constantly have at least 86 new emails in my inbox. The business cards I carry around in my wallet are all publishing reps and my volunteer work has morphed into critiquing new textbooks. I often talk slowly and in mono-syllables.....and act out just about everything that comes out of my mouth. I have an arsenal of choreographed dances not to songs, but to lists of pronouns, and I'm a little bit ashamed to say it, but I have a teacher sweater on the back of my desk chair. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
2. You receive more than 50 emails a day.....most of which are asking about the homework for today's class.
3. Your students follow you around and visit even when it's not your office hours.
4. You have red pens stashed in every pocket of every purse you own.
5. You stock up on white board markers and colored chalk when it's on sale at Staples.
6. You carry around scratch paper and diagram sentences for people at dinner parties.
7. You respond to the following without being frustrated or annoyed: "Uh......Professoressa......I don't know what's going on right now."
8. You often wear black clothing and discover a white line across your butt because you leaned against the chalkboard in first period and didn't realize it until now (7pm).
9. You don't know how people live without knowing what Worldcat.org is.
10. You actually want people to interrupt with questions when you talk.
Ahh yes, the joys of being a teacher. Life settles into something pretty deranged sometimes. I now hoard white board markers and have developed a pretty complex Post-It notes system. I also have piles which make no sense to anyone and constantly have at least 86 new emails in my inbox. The business cards I carry around in my wallet are all publishing reps and my volunteer work has morphed into critiquing new textbooks. I often talk slowly and in mono-syllables.....and act out just about everything that comes out of my mouth. I have an arsenal of choreographed dances not to songs, but to lists of pronouns, and I'm a little bit ashamed to say it, but I have a teacher sweater on the back of my desk chair. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Yes, my students are better than yours. And no, I'm not ashamed to say it.
Monday's are always my hardest teaching days because usually people have a really hard time waking up and remembering they're at school at not at home on the couch. So, today I got a lot of blank stares (the Monday stares, as I call them), but after only 2 reminders that we're at school and it's time to engage, people pretty much woke up.
Mondays I teach three classes of two different levels. The first two are the same level, back to back sections. It's funny because the first class is mostly girls and they are hilarious....somehow everything always relates back to travel in Italy, not acting like an idiot, and the traffic on 35. The second class is more boys than girls and they somehow were talking about a kid who impaled himself on a pole running away from a pitbull and fried beer. Oh, and the crazies in Dallas who accost you until you buy "their" CD which turns out to be Ludacris's latest album. Whoever says classes don't have personalities is a liar.
And then there are my babies.....my little 1020s. I'm always a little worried I'm going to lose them.....they are usually just this side of a total breakdown but we do a good job of keeping eyes dry and the hyperventilation to a minimum. And some days, like today, you just cannot accomplish anything. Each class has their day when they need a day off and it was today. It was clear from the moment I walked in there would be no Italian today.....instead it was a venting session. What they hated, what they liked....about me, Italian, and life in general. And student W who usually looks like he's trying to make my face melt off when he looks at me smiled and said today was the best day he'd had in a long time.
So yes, my students are better than yours. They are cuter, funnier, and pretty much just better all the way around! You should be jealous, and you can't have them. They're mine! All mine. Today they tried to tell me I couldn't wear heels to the Texas State Fair. We'll see about that. Have they ever seen me in anything but? Last summer someone told me I couldn't climb a mountain in sandals and I did just fine, so we shall see. Do your students try to protect your footwear? I doubt it. Do you students keep you updated on all the gossip in the dining halls? I think not. Do you have a running tab of who's dating who in the dorms. No. But I do. It's ok to be jealous.
Furthermore, people who take Italian are extra special. It's the people who decided to take a new language, work a little harder and not rely on what they learned in high school, so you already know they'll be pretty special. Add that to the fact that I see them pretty much everyday and that we travel in packs around DFW to the opera and to restaurants and stuff, yes, we end up like a creepy crazy little Italian family. Tomorrow is our first Italian Club meeting of the year and I can guarantee that someone will laugh so hard they snort, someone else will throw some wicked insult and spend the next two weeks trying to apologize and get out of the doghouse (when the person insulted is really just milking the whole situation and was never really offended in the first place) and finally, there will be a love match that begins tomorrow. Oh yes, Italian is its own soap opera.
Mondays I teach three classes of two different levels. The first two are the same level, back to back sections. It's funny because the first class is mostly girls and they are hilarious....somehow everything always relates back to travel in Italy, not acting like an idiot, and the traffic on 35. The second class is more boys than girls and they somehow were talking about a kid who impaled himself on a pole running away from a pitbull and fried beer. Oh, and the crazies in Dallas who accost you until you buy "their" CD which turns out to be Ludacris's latest album. Whoever says classes don't have personalities is a liar.
And then there are my babies.....my little 1020s. I'm always a little worried I'm going to lose them.....they are usually just this side of a total breakdown but we do a good job of keeping eyes dry and the hyperventilation to a minimum. And some days, like today, you just cannot accomplish anything. Each class has their day when they need a day off and it was today. It was clear from the moment I walked in there would be no Italian today.....instead it was a venting session. What they hated, what they liked....about me, Italian, and life in general. And student W who usually looks like he's trying to make my face melt off when he looks at me smiled and said today was the best day he'd had in a long time.
So yes, my students are better than yours. They are cuter, funnier, and pretty much just better all the way around! You should be jealous, and you can't have them. They're mine! All mine. Today they tried to tell me I couldn't wear heels to the Texas State Fair. We'll see about that. Have they ever seen me in anything but? Last summer someone told me I couldn't climb a mountain in sandals and I did just fine, so we shall see. Do your students try to protect your footwear? I doubt it. Do you students keep you updated on all the gossip in the dining halls? I think not. Do you have a running tab of who's dating who in the dorms. No. But I do. It's ok to be jealous.
Furthermore, people who take Italian are extra special. It's the people who decided to take a new language, work a little harder and not rely on what they learned in high school, so you already know they'll be pretty special. Add that to the fact that I see them pretty much everyday and that we travel in packs around DFW to the opera and to restaurants and stuff, yes, we end up like a creepy crazy little Italian family. Tomorrow is our first Italian Club meeting of the year and I can guarantee that someone will laugh so hard they snort, someone else will throw some wicked insult and spend the next two weeks trying to apologize and get out of the doghouse (when the person insulted is really just milking the whole situation and was never really offended in the first place) and finally, there will be a love match that begins tomorrow. Oh yes, Italian is its own soap opera.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Top 5 awkward exchanges with students
Yes, these have all happened.....I only speak the truth. If you every find yourself as a student, be sure to avoid these situations!
ONE
Student: Why is your office so hot?
Me: It's not.
Student: It must be seeing you that makes me so hot.
TWO:
Student: Feel my butt! It's hot!
Me: No thank you.
THREE:
Student: Remember when you told us we should have a soundtrack to our lives?
Me: Yes.
Student: Your should be "Unbelievable."
Me: ....thanks.
FOUR:
Student: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Student: And lips.
FIVE:
Student: I mean, who wears grey pants?!
Me: I'm wearing grey pants.
Student: Ya....but you make them look so good.
ONE
Student: Why is your office so hot?
Me: It's not.
Student: It must be seeing you that makes me so hot.
TWO:
Student: Feel my butt! It's hot!
Me: No thank you.
THREE:
Student: Remember when you told us we should have a soundtrack to our lives?
Me: Yes.
Student: Your should be "Unbelievable."
Me: ....thanks.
FOUR:
Student: You have really nice teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Student: And lips.
FIVE:
Student: I mean, who wears grey pants?!
Me: I'm wearing grey pants.
Student: Ya....but you make them look so good.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Top 10 Tips for surviving Professoressa Jessica's classes.
Top 10 tips for surviving:
1. Do not skip my class. I will hunt you down and ask you repeatedly why you're not gracing me with your presence.
2. Do not refuse to print the syllabus, never check blackboard, never listen in class, and then approach me to ask when the next quiz is. If you only did one of the afore-mentioned activities you would know!
3. Do not refuse to buy the book, never turn in homework, rarely attend class, and then ask me why your participation grade is so low.
4. Do not text in class.
5. Do not sleep through my oh so interesting lessons......life skills, this is what I have to impart to you. Knowledge and life skills.
6. Show up for the tests.
7. Smile - if I think you're trying to kill me with silent daggers shooting out of your eyes, I will call on you repeatedly and try to make you laugh. It can be pretty awkward.
8. Ask questions. If you don't know what's going on, chances are other people don't either. Be the hero. Ask the question.
9. Remember that I cannot dance but will if you ask me to.
10. Never bash the Real Housewives.
You are so very capable of all of these things. I promise you that my bark is harsher than my bite. All you have to do is show up, smile, and ask questions. ANYONE can do this if you try. I promise I can make you laugh, and yes, I will perform some kid of whack job choreographed dance at some point during the semester.....it's kind of my trademark. If you are afraid to meet my eyes, stare at my shoes, they're always pretty interesting. These, my friends, are the secrets to surviving my class. Welcome to the club, handshake to be taught at the next meeting.
1. Do not skip my class. I will hunt you down and ask you repeatedly why you're not gracing me with your presence.
2. Do not refuse to print the syllabus, never check blackboard, never listen in class, and then approach me to ask when the next quiz is. If you only did one of the afore-mentioned activities you would know!
3. Do not refuse to buy the book, never turn in homework, rarely attend class, and then ask me why your participation grade is so low.
4. Do not text in class.
5. Do not sleep through my oh so interesting lessons......life skills, this is what I have to impart to you. Knowledge and life skills.
6. Show up for the tests.
7. Smile - if I think you're trying to kill me with silent daggers shooting out of your eyes, I will call on you repeatedly and try to make you laugh. It can be pretty awkward.
8. Ask questions. If you don't know what's going on, chances are other people don't either. Be the hero. Ask the question.
9. Remember that I cannot dance but will if you ask me to.
10. Never bash the Real Housewives.
You are so very capable of all of these things. I promise you that my bark is harsher than my bite. All you have to do is show up, smile, and ask questions. ANYONE can do this if you try. I promise I can make you laugh, and yes, I will perform some kid of whack job choreographed dance at some point during the semester.....it's kind of my trademark. If you are afraid to meet my eyes, stare at my shoes, they're always pretty interesting. These, my friends, are the secrets to surviving my class. Welcome to the club, handshake to be taught at the next meeting.
Friday, October 1, 2010
I would totally survive the zombie apocalypse
Why? Life skills, people, life skills. Now, I will grant you the fact that I like triple platforms and animal print and bedazzled everything.....but at least I have common sense! I don't, nor have I ever needed, someone to hold my hand through normal daily activities. I have never asked my professor how I could be failing when I have missed 13 of 16 class meetings. I have never signed up for a class, opted not to attend it, and then had the guts to email the professor for the location and time of the final exam. I have never suggested to a professor that since I'm a senior, I'm really going to need to pass this class. Why? Common sense. This is the pictures of common sense:
Yes, it's true. Common sense is a spray tan, triple platforms, and a teal and zebra interview suit. I know, you're amazed, but when the apocalypse comes and it's survival of the fittest, stick with me folks! I can fend for myself, and probably for you to. Why? Because I have learned how to survive in the world. Believe it or not, that's what college is all about. If you can't handle that, not a big deal just DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.
Sometimes I'm just amazed that people are even alive. Like I'm not even sure they really remember to eat and bathe and sleep every day. I just don't know.....when did people become so dumb? I am definitely not the most brilliant person to roam the Earth, but I can certainly get myself up everyday, feed myself, and get myself to where I need to be on time and prepared for the events of the day. So, bring on the zombie attack.....and my dearest darling students, be advised: I'm preparing you for life (as well as the unlikely, yet still very possible impending zombie attack). Hints for the day: listen to what I say. Believe it or not, I'm trying to impart knowledge that will help you in life. Write it down. Record it. Take a photo of my chalkboard with your fancy phone. Whatever, just take note of what I say. If it were superfluous I promise I wouldn't bore you with it. If it were worthless, I wouldn't have a job. So get on board folks, one of these days it's going to be time to clean house and all the dummies are going to be sacrificed!
Yes, it's true. Common sense is a spray tan, triple platforms, and a teal and zebra interview suit. I know, you're amazed, but when the apocalypse comes and it's survival of the fittest, stick with me folks! I can fend for myself, and probably for you to. Why? Because I have learned how to survive in the world. Believe it or not, that's what college is all about. If you can't handle that, not a big deal just DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.
Sometimes I'm just amazed that people are even alive. Like I'm not even sure they really remember to eat and bathe and sleep every day. I just don't know.....when did people become so dumb? I am definitely not the most brilliant person to roam the Earth, but I can certainly get myself up everyday, feed myself, and get myself to where I need to be on time and prepared for the events of the day. So, bring on the zombie attack.....and my dearest darling students, be advised: I'm preparing you for life (as well as the unlikely, yet still very possible impending zombie attack). Hints for the day: listen to what I say. Believe it or not, I'm trying to impart knowledge that will help you in life. Write it down. Record it. Take a photo of my chalkboard with your fancy phone. Whatever, just take note of what I say. If it were superfluous I promise I wouldn't bore you with it. If it were worthless, I wouldn't have a job. So get on board folks, one of these days it's going to be time to clean house and all the dummies are going to be sacrificed!
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